Grew balls and called DB out . Nightmare holiday

[Pinkyyogapanties]

Over the past few years DB has been rude to me and caused me upset . I’ve chosen to swallow his comments but it’s hurt . DM said she doesn’t want conflict so lets DB’s behaviour slide .

side note - Db is very successful and a total alpha .

After a terrible holiday with extended family , DB sent me a message saying he had enjoyed the trip and wanted to book the same villa next spring .

For the first time ever I grew some strength . I said that I had not enjoyed the holiday and found it stressful and would not go again And would have appreciated some more support . I didn’t say he was a tosser which he was !!!!

DB fired back a message saying if I wasn’t happy it was my problem and that he wouldn’t be held responsible for me not enjoying the holiday and he was focused on his children . It was a cold and defensive message .

It been a month since the message and we have had no contact . I am guessing that DB will now ignore me and cut communication. I know he is proud and will now view me as a ‘nightmare ‘ woman who is way sensitive and pathetic . Okay I don’t know that but I am quite sure he will think this !

I am now kicking myself for saying anything . Why didn’t I just stay quiet ??

Now I am wondering , Was I being sensitive ??
Have I ruined our relationship. ( it was very strained though as his bloody rude !)
I

There have been so many times DB has been rude and I know this holiday was the straw that broke the camels back !
But I feel sad DB and I will most likely not repair this . I now am kicking myself for saying anything .

Ahhhhhhhh

not sure why you have put up with it for so long?

When he heard his daughter cry - he came into the room and snapped at me and my mum for not supervising the children properly yet he was messing around on his laptop in another room. We were supervising but his daughter an only child struggles to share so was getting upset - we were of course monitoring all children . So brother scooped her up and marched her off. We aren’t there to babysit !! We never said we were babysitting !

He complained about the dinners which we cooked and one night stormed off with his wife and daughter for another meal as the food was taking too long . It was ridiculous.

He booked a boat trip for the middle of the afternoon and demanded my parents went along to take pictures of him and his family on the boat . So they had to cancel the plans they had made to help me . He expected them to be there and lectured them until they agreed.

He constantly walked off and said everyone else was disorganized and wasting time . I think they words he used was ‘incompetent ’

When I said cost of living was hitting people and it was a reason that I would not be having more children he told me that I should get a better job than a nurse . I said -
someone has to be a nurse . I am proud of my role . He laughed and said i earn chump change .

lastly , he said women now think the my have rights !

Im just fed up of him. I’m not saying these comments are awful but after years of utter rudeness I’ve had enough .

He sounds like a throwback to another century.

Agree with others it's impossible to tell whether you were over sensitive without knowing what he said. I find it strange that you or your mum didn't make a comment at the time of him being rude. Or say something rude or sarcastic in response. (That's what would happen in my family). I also find it unusual that something so minor caused him to cut contact for a month, unless you said it in a very offensive way.

I’m not saying these comments are awful

They are.

We stopped holidaying with extended family because it was more stress than it was fun and nothing as rude your DB's behaviour was said or done. You've done the right thing.

Cross-post. The only thing that might be fine is going out to eat if food is taking too long (provided it's done politely). I hope they took their turn cooking. If I had to put up with that behaviour for a relationship I would sacrifice the relationship.

Voted you are unreasonable as you don’t need to reduce your reaction (which was quite frankly cunty) as it came from a (alpha?!?!) male. Your position is just as valid as his. You can now be free to make better choices fir yourself and not beholden to the almighty male child. Don’t dismiss your feelings or your family priorities for another’s ego.

I'm very low contact with my DB. He's opinionated to the point of being rude, lacks any kind of empathy towards others he can't identify with, and did consider himself the head of the family when my dad died, until my mum put him in his place (somewhat),
He is still difficult to deal with at times, but luckily me and my sister close ranks on him and outvote him if we need to.
I don't blame you for the way you feel at all, @Pinkyyogapanties. Let's hope he never gets ill and ends up under the care of simpletons like you, eh? He might just have to grow some awareness if he did.

Me neither.

Ive always been little sister so assumed all brothers were abit mean.

We don’t see our dad and I guess have desperately wanted my brother to fill that gap.

I have such low confidence and anxiety.

What changed is 5 years ago I met my husband and had my children and I started to get some value and respect myself . I finally am happy and I see my brother is mean.

i now feel I don’t want to accept this almost bullying I get from my brother . That it’s affecting me and this is ruining my happy life. I’m always a mess after I see him.
also now I have children I don’t want them to see him being rude to me or them
to think his behavior is normal .

I realized that every time I see my brother I become anxious and I’m so upset after.

My DH has told me it’s not acceptable when he is rude to me and he no longer wants him in our house .

You're well out of it.

There isn't anything else you need to say to him (and if he ever tries ticking you off for that, then just say that he didn't say anything that needed an answer).

What is your usual pattern of contact over Christmas? I'd try to do that as normally - and neutrally - as possible.

Has your DMum mentioned any of this? Not suggesting you raise it with her (I think that would be a bad plan), just wondering if he's been stirring in that way

Sounds like NC would actually be positive for your mental health, yes he's family but you shouldn't have to put up with that.

Good for you for finally speaking up don't regret it people like that don't expect people to speak up.

@Pinkyyogapanties

Based on your update he's an absolute dick and I wouldn't holiday with him even if it was to a golden palace right on the beach with round the clock servants. I'd rather stay home and eat crisps with my feet in a paddling pool in my backyard.

TBH, I don't think you were wrong to speak your piece, but you shouldn't be surprised at his response. It sounds like par for the course to me.

And you haven't 'ruined' the relationship. The relationship was shitty to begin with. If his attitude was that he'd never speak to me again if I didn't apologize I'd be thinking 'result!!!'

And why should you care what such a misogynistic, out-of-touch neanderthal thinks of you? His opinion isn't worth a cent.

I'm not sure what you're really worried about. Is it your parents wanting you to 'make nice'? Because I wouldn't do it. And if they 'pick his side' then they don't value you the way you should be valued.

It's not almost bullying, it is bullying. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant

I’m glad you said something.

Why did you go in the first place though? You must have known he’s he a knob.

Thank you everyone for replies.

I hate confrontation and I doubt myself .

However I am pleased I have stood up for myself . I know my brother would never have said - I’m sorry you felt that way ……..

His cold and u tone was exactly what I expected and the reason I’ve never said anything before . I was scared of him.

But what have I to lose ? Nothing really. Thanks for the support all.

Enjoy a more peaceful life.

You've done absolutely the right thing. He is a bully and disrespectful. You absolutely don't have to have a relationship with him if this is how he acts. Well done for not putting up with another crap holiday. Maybe he'll pause for thought about why you don't want to spend time with him.

I'm not sure what you are actually worried about. He sounds grim.

Stand up for yourself more often. Life is better that way.

You're right to say you don't want to go on holiday again (life's too short.) But the next step is to repair the relationship (life's too short.) In some ways the easy bit is the confrontation and the harder bit is finding a way forward from telling others how you feel. Good luck!

Hi,

I'm really sorry to hear that you have this. I have it too but recently solved it because my Dad intervened and told DB to mind his manners. I think if your Dad is not there then that makes it harder.

I can think of nothing worse than going on holiday with extended family. I would never do it under any circumstances.

Why are you kicking yourself for speaking out when clearly what he says upsets you?

You sound very confused and conflicted.

This.

So he upsets you but then is your problem? Why are you even feeling guilty about this? You didn’t ruin the relationship, it was gone long time ago, you only expressed your feelings, which is a good opportunity for him and you to talk about it but instead he is punishing you for that?

Your mother is a wet blanket as well, so he is upsetting you but she doesn’t want to get involved, sorry OP but what kind of mother is she? She should have grown a pair years of perhaps decades ago.