Grew balls and called DB out . Nightmare holiday

[Pinkyyogapanties]

Over the past few years DB has been rude to me and caused me upset . I’ve chosen to swallow his comments but it’s hurt . DM said she doesn’t want conflict so lets DB’s behaviour slide .

side note - Db is very successful and a total alpha .

After a terrible holiday with extended family , DB sent me a message saying he had enjoyed the trip and wanted to book the same villa next spring .

For the first time ever I grew some strength . I said that I had not enjoyed the holiday and found it stressful and would not go again And would have appreciated some more support . I didn’t say he was a tosser which he was !!!!

DB fired back a message saying if I wasn’t happy it was my problem and that he wouldn’t be held responsible for me not enjoying the holiday and he was focused on his children . It was a cold and defensive message .

It been a month since the message and we have had no contact . I am guessing that DB will now ignore me and cut communication. I know he is proud and will now view me as a ‘nightmare ‘ woman who is way sensitive and pathetic . Okay I don’t know that but I am quite sure he will think this !

I am now kicking myself for saying anything . Why didn’t I just stay quiet ??

Now I am wondering , Was I being sensitive ??
Have I ruined our relationship. ( it was very strained though as his bloody rude !)
I

There have been so many times DB has been rude and I know this holiday was the straw that broke the camels back !
But I feel sad DB and I will most likely not repair this . I now am kicking myself for saying anything .

Ahhhhhhhh

Your mother will try and drag you back into the guilt. She does this to make her life easier not because she's right or because she has your best interests at heart. She is scared of your brother and doesn't want to admit she's part of the problem.

Remember this when she does: she has favoured your brother over you. She isn't interested in your well being and in dragging you back into it, she's using you as a shield to some of his behaviour towards her.

You have no obligation to make up to your brother, even if he is family. You have no responsibility to your mother, as she's demonstrated she isn't prepared to fight for you only for your brother.

You are allowed to put yourself first and 'be selfish' - it's not btw. It's protecting you and your family from him. And that's allowed. That's not creating conflict. That's escaping it.

Your husband and children are your family and it's better to have a small healthy family unit than a larger toxic extended one.

Alpha is just another word for arsehole.

"He's an alpha" translation "he's a fucking arsehole"

"I'm an alpha" translation I'm a huge fucking arsehole"

"I'm an alpha, fuck those beta simps" translation "I am king of all Arseholes. All other Arseholes down before me. I am the most Arseholish Arsehole in the history of Arseholery and should be placed in a rocket and sent off to planet Arseholia.

Sorry to cold but I think he saw you all as ‘staff’ on the family holiday. But he probably talked it up after as what a great big happy group you were.

OP, you feel guilty about challenging him because you’ve spent much of your life being conditioned by him and your parents to prioritise him and feel bad if you don’t. I think counselling could work wonders for you.

Think of this like any other kind abusive relationship - it’s a constant cycle which keeps someone trapped even if they’re smart enough to know better. You’re full of self-doubt because this new behaviour feels so unfamiliar. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I would focus on unpicking that and bouncing back stronger rather than having a chat with someone who has about a Ps much self awareness or empathy as a boiled potato.

Ah sorry, didn’t RTFT thoroughly enough

fair enough

but best to do so before jumping on a poster

The likelihood of ever having a decent, respectful sibling relationship with someone like that is zero. Grieve that, but it is not your responsibility.

It's a shame you didn't just say 'I didn't enjoy the holiday because of your behaviour'. He'd have thrown his toys out of the pram either way- you may as well have been honest.

Agreed… but I also think that once we get to a certain stage in adulthood we do need to stop looking to a parent to sort out sibling behaviour. Including standing back and observing where the parent enables it. It’s hard to see ourselves as having the right to stand up for ourselves if we look for others to sort it out or to blame.

And your point was relevant in that the OP’s Dd should not be witnessing her Mum being tested like that… but again she need to see her Mum calmly stand up for herself, not expect Grandmother to step in as if they are kids.

This needs to be the new you when it comes to his behaviour. It's not fair on you or your family to be dealing with it. You aren't treated well for accepting his behaviour, so where's the sense in accepting it?

Sadly you have an awful person as a brother, I don't see him changing so you are best off cutting him out of your life, or accept that he brings continual misery. Those are your two options.

I saw this about alpha males and find it makes a lot of sense.

He's not about to add anything to your life, why bother with him. Surely this is mission accomplished? He's not prepared to put effort in, so just let him go.

You do need to think about how you seek to protect your mum, who is as much being treated unacceptably as you are.

Is he your older brother, OP?

Growing up, my older brother was often put in charge of us younger ones and he enjoyed the power it gave him and he never really wanted to let go of it. He hasn't been so bad with me of late but he would bully and belittle my other brother. A couple of years ago I had it out with him publicly on SM. It was one of those occasions where someone leaves just the right opening and I thought 'Right, I'm having you' and for the first time in my life I gave him my thoughts on his behaviour over the years, most of which he'd completely forgotten about.

He told our dad and step mother who went mad at me, saying I shouldn't have remained quiet. I contacted DB and we agreed to meet, have a walk, and talk things over. I said to him then that all I'd ever wanted was for us siblings to stand and face the world together and be family, supporting each other and if he could only do that things could be so different. I was rather School Ma'am about it, which is an act I'm quite good at. Amazingly, he said I'd terrified him. Even more amazingly he's improved massively and has stopped being such a Toad. A while back we visited our dad and step mother together, taking a lunch we'd prepared between us. It was a public display that we intend to be friendly and, I think, a pleasant relief to our elder, but I'll never let him be rude to me again and he knows it.

I disagree with this.
Thus far op hasn’t be capable of protecting herself from her brothers behaviour. She’s made a small step and is now second guessing herself and feeling guilt. Also it sounds like her mother enables the behaviour.

So personally I think op needs to prioritise herself and work on getting boundaries sorted for herself. If she manages that then she might be able to think about helping her mum. Bearing in mind her Brother didn’t appear from nowhere, he was raised….by their mother.

I am inclined to agree with you about the whole “cut toxic people out of your life” narrative. But there’s a whole wide blue sea between that and saying you don’t want to go on holiday with him again.

I don’t see that you have “ruined a relationship “ . You have been straightforward and honest. Clearly I don’t know him but his response sounds very strange. Most people would ask for more detail etc to understand your view etc. He has chosen not to do this. Best to wait until he contacts you. Well done sounds as if this is tough for you.

Can we be friends? I agree with you. 🙏🏻👍🏻

You did the right thing speaking up. Why let him treat you like that? Why would you want a relationship where he treats you like rubbish anyway? I’d cut contact with him in your shoes

He sounds like a spoiled little boy has no one ever said no to him?

Good on you - don’t enable him to make you feel bad.
wait for him to contact you, if he does ok - if not good riddance !

I consider a registered nurse very successful. Degree educated with a highly responsible job that contributes massively to society.

Don’t beat yourself up over your confrontation with your DB - sometimes you have to make a stand like this to get your point across or you’d be forever taken advantage of.
I bet he’s stewing over your comments & is hurt & upset over your opinion of him as he probably thought you looked up to him as a ‘Big Bro’ 🤣. It may take some time (if ever!) for him to come to terms with how you perceive him, you might receive an apology from him in time, maybe not 🤷🏻‍♀️ but just remember you were right in what you said, and you no longer have to spend significant amounts of time in the company of this obnoxious bully in the meantime, enjoy your liberty!

He's not an 'alpha', he's a bullying, narcissistic asshole who thinks he's better than everyone else.

You would be well rid of him from your life.

@Pinkyyogapanties - Please try not to feel anxious about saying what you said to your brother. It will be easier said than done. It's done now and you have no more control over it than you would a fart hanging in the air. In fact treat it just like that.
It's done. You can't unfart a fart!

He on the other hand is a class A arse. He should be better and he isn't so all you can try to teach yourself to do is how to deal with a Class A arse. Firstly you don't have to go on holiday with him ever again. Ever!
Next, you'll have to practice saying no to things, even simple things in your own family. Your brother clearly has no issue with saying no to you or being horrible to you so time to find your gumption and you don't have to put up with it anymore. You should practice in front of a mirror if you need to, or ask your DH to pretend he's your brother and you role play how you're going to deal with something. Your DH sounds like a keeper as he clearly had the measure of your brother long before you did. It's not going to be an easy road but, I'll let you know something, the baggage that your brother has weighed you down with (by being the way he is) will be gone and you'll be better able to deal with him and his foibles.

The key thing is at the moment to not give him a moments head space more than he deserves (and he really doesn't deserve any) so forget about him or how he might think X or Y or whatever about what you've said. You have no control over that.

Best of luck to you as you take your first steps to dropping the rope and not worrying about what your brother thinks.

This 🤷‍♀️

Why are you torturing yourself . He is your brother but you owe him nothing if he is awful to you . Just have your own holidays that you can enjoy