Grew balls and called DB out . Nightmare holiday

[Pinkyyogapanties]

Over the past few years DB has been rude to me and caused me upset . I’ve chosen to swallow his comments but it’s hurt . DM said she doesn’t want conflict so lets DB’s behaviour slide .

side note - Db is very successful and a total alpha .

After a terrible holiday with extended family , DB sent me a message saying he had enjoyed the trip and wanted to book the same villa next spring .

For the first time ever I grew some strength . I said that I had not enjoyed the holiday and found it stressful and would not go again And would have appreciated some more support . I didn’t say he was a tosser which he was !!!!

DB fired back a message saying if I wasn’t happy it was my problem and that he wouldn’t be held responsible for me not enjoying the holiday and he was focused on his children . It was a cold and defensive message .

It been a month since the message and we have had no contact . I am guessing that DB will now ignore me and cut communication. I know he is proud and will now view me as a ‘nightmare ‘ woman who is way sensitive and pathetic . Okay I don’t know that but I am quite sure he will think this !

I am now kicking myself for saying anything . Why didn’t I just stay quiet ??

Now I am wondering , Was I being sensitive ??
Have I ruined our relationship. ( it was very strained though as his bloody rude !)
I

There have been so many times DB has been rude and I know this holiday was the straw that broke the camels back !
But I feel sad DB and I will most likely not repair this . I now am kicking myself for saying anything .

Ahhhhhhhh

I'm guessing she won't get listened to at all if her husband laughs at women thinking they have rights 🤷‍♀️

You had a choice, which could have come at any time: either put up with this behaviour forever or say something at some point. The turning point came recently. It would have come sooner or later, over this or something else, or you'd have turned into a total doormat.

People like your brother almost always only become worse.

Your reaction of Well that’s why i think > does he enjoy himself? Does he think his behaviour is ok!? Does he not know he is A prat. is a healthy one. The guilt reaction is much less healthy.

Your husband has the right of it and you've done well to say something at all. Whatever you said that wasn't silence or sucking up to him would have gone badly, the form of the words doesn't matter.

Hold to your guns.

Also, your mother might start putting pressure on you. But given that she'd not stood up to him, she'll be wrong to. But plan how to handle it if she does .

God what an arse.

Good for you OP.

I feel so sorry for the wife. I hope he treats her with respect, but I fear that is wishful thinking.

Oh, sorry, cross-posted.

It might clarify things if you read all the OP's accounts before your post, of what actually happened. Basically, he's an arse. If you click on 'see all' at the bottom R of any of the OP's messages, you can read them. (I didn't know at first you could do this, but now I do, I find it very useful to read before I post)
(He really is an arse, BTW.)

My DH has told me it’s not acceptable when he is rude to me and he no longer wants him in our house

He is right.
@Pinkyyogapanties your brother is an abusive bully. I don't know why you go on holiday with him. just go on holiday with your DH and DC. We have never done an extended family holiday, and never will.

@housethatbuiltme did you bother reading the OP's update or are you the brother? He is a deeply unpleasant, nasty bully.

Every single one of my brothers are self absorbed selfish twats. I have minimal contact with any of them and feel much better for it. Hope this helps :)

Op you feel anxious because no one seems to have told you that you are worth EXACTLY the same as everyone else, your brother included.
Why should he call the shots, who made him the boss? (actually probably your whole family).
He's your brother. You are allowed to love him as part of the family but also to see his flaws and point them out if necessary. No one likes overcontrolling people be it mums, dads or kids. Stay confident. You are doing him and his family a favour.

That son of a bitch! For the record I'm a registered nurse here in the states and was making six figures before I retired after 20+ years. Anyone who looked at my job with scorn would get an earful from me. Listen to your husband brother is a miserable asshole

The only way to stand up to a nasty prick like that is to refuse to stay married to him if he doesn't change.

What exactly is your db adding and bringing to your life op?

It sounds like you'd be well within your rights to have put distance in before now. Don't feel guilty for having healthy boundaries.

Holidays with anyone other than your household members are a recipe for Hell. Hold that thought.

Your brother is a fucking arsehole. I'm curious as to why your DH hasn't punched his lights out for talking to you like that.

OP, if my brother said anything like those things to me, let alone his mother, I'd never speak to him again. It sounds like you've all tolerated his shit for too long.

I get it OP. I have an alpha DB and it can be hard work. I had to put some distance between us when my DC were young as I didn’t want them to see him alpha-ing me and DH. He’ll never change so I now just accept invitations where I can remove myself from the situation.

Honestly, I think this is the first part of important therapy for you. You have done so well. You know you don’t want these misogynistic patterns in your DCs upbringing and you are cutting it out. Well done.

Don't feel guilty, you have done an amazing thing for you and your family. If you weren't related, would you be friends with someone who behaves like your brother? I'm guessing no. Being related shouldn't change that response.

Listen to your DH. He is giving you permission not to go and spend time with your brother. He is making a point of telling you, your brother's behaviour isn't acceptable. He can not TELL you not to go because he understands this is your brother. But he is letting you know that its not YOUR fault and that your brother is the one causing the issue.

I'm going to stress this point again:
Have I ruined our relationship?

NO YOU HAVE NOT.
Your brother has.

You need to let go of that sense of guilt and realise that others see that your brother's behaviour is abusive and unpleasant. You need to forgive yourself over this. You need to realise that standing up to your brother and saying NO was a good thing to do. You do not need the permission and approval of your mother over this. You can free yourself of this. And its okay for you to do this. You are allowed to and this is for the better for you.

Your brother is the one that has made this happen. It is his actions. Not yours.

Well done OP, you've done what I have never had the courage to do. I'm NC with my eldest DB, but never told him why or held him to account. I'm sure he knows and doesn't care.

Maybe you could meet him for a chat on your own and ask him to let you speak and not instantly dismiss you, then tell him what a dick he has been (personally I would use those words) and give him some of the examples you mentioned. He may listen more one on one? Ask him what he would think if it was you or another family member behaving like that to him. If he still overrides you and behaves like a pompous ass then just say “we’ll I’ve tried, think about what I’ve said and if you want another chat you know where I am, but the high handed-ness stops now”. He’s your brother, not your parent, husband or boss, tell him he’s being a prick (and be glad you’re not his wife or employee!)

Please stop doubting yourself, OP. Well done on standing up for yourself. You know you are in the right here and recognise that your brother is a terrible bully. Your husband absolutely backs you in this and I'm sure neither of you want to expose your kids to such an awful person.

Did your mother spoil your brother when you were young? Let him get away with everything & anything? She might be afraid of confrontation, but how could she just stand aside when one of her children treated the other so badly? I think I'd be looking at my relationship with her, too.

Why bother trying to have a relationship with this misogynistic arsehole? So he's your brother, so what? He brings nothing of value to your life. Cut him out, he's no loss. And if your mother is too weak to stand up for you, that's her problem. She's chosen a side by saying nothing - his.

Brothers who are shits should be cut off. I haven't spoken to mine in over fifty years.

He’s a prick. I bet he listens to Joe Rogan and Andrew Tate. Can’t believe you didn’t say “I’m not your fucking babysitter, mate. You’re rude, controlling and clearly have issues.”

Why? He is a sexist arse. The answer to food "tasking too long" is yo ask what you can do to help, not take your wife/kid out. And then offer to cook the next day.

What OP has to decide is how much of a relationship she wants with this throwback ("women think they have rights"? Who says county shit like that? He has a daughter FGS)

In your shoes, OP, I would reduce to LC then NC and adjust your expectations of him to zero. And then get on with your life

You haven't done anything wrong but I haven't voted as it's not clear how a vote would be interpreted.

You didn't enjoy the holiday and said so. That is fine.

Your DB is a whiney arsehole whose reaction to hearing this was to blame you rather than inspect his own actions and think about what he could do differently. What a selfish cock. Of course you don't want to holiday with such a person.

Whatever the fallout from this it is no loss to you. You don't benefit from being a people-pleaser doormat. Don't regret a thing.

I've kept quiet for decades.

About this time last year I blocked my brother's phone number and stopped talking.

I know it is hurting my dad but I just couldn't continue any more.

The messages my brother has left he had no idea why I wasn't speaking so I put it in a letter, not all of it, just some particularly hurtful things he had done.

It's been a standing joke for years that my brother never remembers my birthday, I get a text the day after.

This year my dad was staying with me and strangely my brother remembered my birthday and a parcel arrived

My brother had spent a fortune at 'hotel chocolat'.

I'm diabetic.

OP YOu choose your friends not your family.

I wish I had done this years ago.

Oh I did send him a final Xmas present - this

https://hordeumbotanicalstudio.co.uk/products/prickbook

You feel guilty because you were raised to ‘keep the peace’ and let him get away with being a bully to you. It’s right in your OP, when you mentioned your mother.

You FINALLY had enough and stood up for yourself, but if I’m reading correctly, your mother will soon be pressuring you to apologize and make amends so she can play happy family. “You know what he’s like, be the bigger person, it’s the holidays/insert whatever occasion here”

Nope. Your brother is a misogynistic bully and you ABSOLUTELY don’t deserve that kind of treatment from anyone, and should ABSOLUTELY not set yourself on fire to keep your mother warm.