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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messaging birthday party no shows

231 replies

Havanawinter · 18/11/2023 10:50

I’ve been stewing on this since last weekend and can’t decide if I’m BU. My son turned 6 last week and had a soft play party. We invited 20 kids, 18 RSVPd yes, all seemed well. Come the day of the party and 5 of the kids don’t show up. No messages in advance and nothing since. I want to say something to the parents of the no shows along the lines of “sorry X couldn’t make it in the end, please let me know in the future as we could have offered their spot to another child” but DH says that’s crass and I should just leave it. It’s £70-odd down the drain too and I think it’s just rude not to send a message saying “oh sorry X Is ill and can’t come to the party”

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lemsipper · 18/11/2023 10:53

yanbu but Personally wouldn’t say anything but would remember this for next time in regards to who are flakey people and not put any effort into a relationship with them

wokbun · 18/11/2023 10:53

Sorry X couldn't come - I hope all is well. Please could you send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

Or send the first bit then see what excuse they have and say aw no sorry to hear their gerbil died please send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

Arrivederla · 18/11/2023 10:55

wokbun · 18/11/2023 10:53

Sorry X couldn't come - I hope all is well. Please could you send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

Or send the first bit then see what excuse they have and say aw no sorry to hear their gerbil died please send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

Do not do this!!

Lockupyourbiscuits · 18/11/2023 10:55

I wouldn’t bother contacting them tbh
as long as your son had a lovely time that’s the important thing
some people are just rude

If he wasn’t close to those children don’t bother to invite them next time
If he likes them you just have to suck it up as it’s not the child’s fault

Gowlett · 18/11/2023 10:56

Be prepared not be invited to their parties if you do.

ThinWomansBrain · 18/11/2023 10:56

No voting, but YANBU

& with messaging, they don't even have the embarrassment of squirming while they lie through their teeth.

Talipesmum · 18/11/2023 10:59

The only time you can message is during the event in a “just checking if x is still coming?” kind of way. Def be prepared to do that next time - for one thing, it’s possible the parent completely forgot and might be able to get the child there in time (we forgot once, and a friend forgot to come to one of ours and was able to show up slightly late after a reminder!). And if they’re just planning on not bothering it’s an honourable way of nudging them while keeping high ground I think.

jadey1991 · 18/11/2023 11:00

wokbun · 18/11/2023 10:53

Sorry X couldn't come - I hope all is well. Please could you send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

Or send the first bit then see what excuse they have and say aw no sorry to hear their gerbil died please send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

Oh really.. come on...
I don't no if im old school but i have never asked anyone to contribute to a party that I have organised for my own child regardless if they have been invited and didn't turn up...

I'm sorry op you feel a certain way but there really is no point in saying anything. 1) they could have forgotton 2) an emergency had arisen..

RampantIvy · 18/11/2023 11:03

Do not message the parents. Just don't invite the children next time.

I'm with you though. It is incredibly rude to not message if you can't go.

Notjustfish · 18/11/2023 11:05

Your not £70 down. If they had turned up you would have still paid the money? It was rude of them not to message but I wouldn’t say anything. Did you send a reminder message the day before?

Petrine · 18/11/2023 11:11

it is very rude and you’re right to be annoyed. However, I wouldn’t say anything - I simply wouldn’t invite them next year.

MidnightOnceMore · 18/11/2023 11:13

Don't message them. You'll never live it down.

Original poster
Havanawinter · 18/11/2023 11:15

I’m not going to say anything, but I am annoyed! I totally understand life happens but it takes 30 seconds to send a message. I’m certainly not going to ask them for money back. My son will know these kids for many years and I wouldn’t do anything to affect his relationships with them. I will continue to stew in private 😆

and no I didn’t send a reminder message… why should I? We’re all adults, keeping track of our kids’ social lives is our own individual responsibility, not that of other people.

oh and it is money down the drain: at this place you pay the balance on arrival based off the number of children who RSVPd yes. So I paid for them and 15 minutes later they didn’t show. If they knew they weren’t coming they knew further in advance than 15 minutes.

OP posts:
Nousernamesleftatall · 18/11/2023 11:16

If you didn’t send a reminder message they probably forgot.

QuietDragon · 18/11/2023 11:19

We had this just yesterday!

One child didn't turn up, no message, apology, nothing. So rude and annoying because we would have invited another child and it's £25 down the drain.

I told DS we wouldn't be inviting that child to any future parties. I, like you, feel tempted to send a message but decided against it. Instead I just put passive aggressive messages/photos in our group chat 🙈

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/11/2023 11:19

It’s very annoying. Totally with you on that. But you will look weird messaging about it; particularly a week later. Just don’t invite those children again.

SandyWaves · 18/11/2023 11:20

and no I didn’t send a reminder message… why should I? We’re all adults, keeping track of our kids’ social lives is our own individual responsibility, not that of other people.

I agree.

Ever heard of a calendar?!

It is so rude for people not to turn up and further, no apology before or after. Don't invite them next time. I wouldn't say anything anyway but i wouldn't be smiling at them at the school gate either. It would be a different story if it was their child's party. Imagine if only 5 children had been invited, 5 said yes and then all 5 didn't show up. Its awful.

susiedaisy1912 · 18/11/2023 11:21

This is normal in the world of kids parties op, mine are adults now but this sort of thing was common when mine were small. Your child had a good day that's all that matters.

Leafsliding · 18/11/2023 11:21

Next time just send a reminder message . You aren’t doing it for them , your doing it for your own DC ( and their DC- who’s not at fault)

Notjustfish · 18/11/2023 11:21

Havanawinter · 18/11/2023 11:15

I’m not going to say anything, but I am annoyed! I totally understand life happens but it takes 30 seconds to send a message. I’m certainly not going to ask them for money back. My son will know these kids for many years and I wouldn’t do anything to affect his relationships with them. I will continue to stew in private 😆

and no I didn’t send a reminder message… why should I? We’re all adults, keeping track of our kids’ social lives is our own individual responsibility, not that of other people.

oh and it is money down the drain: at this place you pay the balance on arrival based off the number of children who RSVPd yes. So I paid for them and 15 minutes later they didn’t show. If they knew they weren’t coming they knew further in advance than 15 minutes.

You don’t have to send a reminder message but it does reduce the number of no shows. You never know what other people are trying to juggle in their lives.

Mamato29192 · 18/11/2023 11:22

YANBU

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/11/2023 11:23

Just to add when mine were small I always sent a reminder message early on the day of the party “….is so looking forward to seeing…today at his party”. I know you say you are all adults. But people forget stuff. Some quite often. I’d bet that of no shows, most of them just forgot about it.

SparklingSparkle · 18/11/2023 11:23

People are so rude.

willWillSmithsmith · 18/11/2023 11:24

wokbun · 18/11/2023 10:53

Sorry X couldn't come - I hope all is well. Please could you send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

Or send the first bit then see what excuse they have and say aw no sorry to hear their gerbil died please send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

No matter how annoyed or frustrated I was I wouldn’t do this! This really would be crass.

I’d make a mental note of those who haven’t acknowledged (unprompted) their absence and boycott them for any future invites.

Concannon88 · 18/11/2023 11:24

I'd send it. Its polite and means you havent let someone walk all over you.