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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messaging birthday party no shows

231 replies

Havanawinter · 18/11/2023 10:50

I’ve been stewing on this since last weekend and can’t decide if I’m BU. My son turned 6 last week and had a soft play party. We invited 20 kids, 18 RSVPd yes, all seemed well. Come the day of the party and 5 of the kids don’t show up. No messages in advance and nothing since. I want to say something to the parents of the no shows along the lines of “sorry X couldn’t make it in the end, please let me know in the future as we could have offered their spot to another child” but DH says that’s crass and I should just leave it. It’s £70-odd down the drain too and I think it’s just rude not to send a message saying “oh sorry X Is ill and can’t come to the party”

AIBU?

OP posts:
Saschka · 19/11/2023 18:28

Honestly, this is normal. You’ll get 10% not showing up, 10% bringing unexpected sibs, surprise dietary restrictions, you name it. You just have to roll with it and try to have fun.

Promette · 19/11/2023 18:45

Sometimes people completely forget. My daughter turned 5 and it was only as the party was finishing that I noticed two of her best friends (twins) were missing. I called the Mum immediately and she was mortified. Her twins had kept saying they thought the party was that day but she was convinced it was on the Sunday. She then brought them round the next day for a little private party as her twins were so upset. I never told my daughter that their mum had forgotten though. Life happens. Mistakes happen. Let it go

LarkspurLane · 19/11/2023 18:50

Saschka · 19/11/2023 18:28

Honestly, this is normal. You’ll get 10% not showing up, 10% bringing unexpected sibs, surprise dietary restrictions, you name it. You just have to roll with it and try to have fun.

Not normal where I am.
Yes, there'll be ones who don't reply, but in this case 18 said yes and 5 didn't come - that's nearly 30%.
Don't invite them again, or if any become special friends of your DC, just send them reminders the morning or night before any future parties. The others seem to be able to manage to remember.

senua · 19/11/2023 19:12

Saschka · 19/11/2023 18:28

Honestly, this is normal. You’ll get 10% not showing up, 10% bringing unexpected sibs, surprise dietary restrictions, you name it. You just have to roll with it and try to have fun.

We shouldn't be normalising it, though. It's bad enough taking on the mental load for your own family without taking on the rest of the class(es), too!

BetterWithPockets · 19/11/2023 19:15

I completely forgot about a child’s birthday party once — said we’d go, failed to write it down in the diary, so just didn’t go. Got called out on it and was horrified. Wasn’t intentional at all. I fear it’s easily done…

BooBooDoodle · 19/11/2023 19:20

Get used to it is all I will say from experience. People just don’t have manners these days and you have to pick your battles. A party we put on for our youngest a few years ago was the last one we did. A child in his class had a food and dust allergy. We bent over backwards for him as we wanted to include him. Accepted the invite, we catered (cost extra) and made accommodations for him, never turned up. I got angry and sent a reasonable message to his mother and she’s blanked me ever since. I was really rattled by this and was close to calling her out on the playground but that would have made me look an idiot so I just ignored her.

carrotcakee · 19/11/2023 19:36

i had this today! Out of 20 confirmed 3 didn’t turn up. I messaged them during the party and 2 apologised and said their kids was unwell (why not bloody message me earlier?!) so I took name off list and wasn’t charged the other one I didn’t hear back and I had to pay for her kid as host was saying I must pay now before the kids had their food. I shouldn’t have been chasing them up. It’s so rude. One other parent didn’t think I’d noticed but she have no gift at all, before anyone says I’m not being “grabby” and no she’s not struggling she’s very well off. She just had a huge party for her child and I got her a really lovely present and included gift receipt if she wanted to exchange.

I hate how some people are.

Ryeman · 19/11/2023 19:43

toodleloop · 18/11/2023 11:48

I wouldn't message. Certainly not a week later!

I agree with a PP that some people do forget (despite the fact it's a sin on MN to make any kind of mistake and nobody here ever does).
Forget to put it in the diary/child that isn't so close to party child doesn't ever mention it again/you're not a playground mum/lots going on - I think it's fairly easily done.

I'd definitely send a text the day before, or in the morning confirming plans.

It's not ok that you haven't received any apologies.

Exactly this. YABU to not have sent a reminder, if you have all the parents on WhatsApp. Why wouldn’t you?
We forgot a party once and felt awful about it, messaged the parents as soon as we’d realised. It was a genuine mistake as we’re so busy.

PeachyPeachTrees · 19/11/2023 20:07

I've had parents forget but only 1 per party and I've had to suck up the lost money. I'd be very annoyed about 5 not turning up though! The only time to text parent about it is during party, afterwards is too late.

Teenagehorrorbag · 19/11/2023 20:32

Do you see them at the school pick ups? Did you have party bags prepared - hopefully with names on? If so I would go to each parent and say 'sorry Flossie couldn't make it, bit awkward as I had to pay in advance but anyway, here's her party bag'.

I've missed parties due to last minute DC illness etc but still taken the present either to drop off at the party or to school on the Monday.

Name and shame - it's appallingly rude on their parts!

kneehightoacat · 19/11/2023 21:20

I wouldn’t message those people but it
is incredibly rude

of course those parents know what they’ve done. They know you would have had to pay. they know it’s rude not to send apologies but they don’t care

Yourcatisnotsorry · 19/11/2023 21:58

Message with ‘I’m sorry X couldn’t make the party, hope they aren’t unwell’. Parents who have genuinely forgotten will be mortified and apologize. You know to avoid the others. I think people can forget these things (multiple kids, work, elderly parents, divorce, house moves, adhd the list is endless) and so would try to remind people the day before or of the party to prevent the genuine forgets. I’ve had a couple of no shows before, sadly those are the kids I won’t be inviting to the paid per head parties.

Illbebythesea · 19/11/2023 22:08

Sorry MN… but some people don’t have calendars at all clutches pearls.

Some people definitely not me, stick party invitations on the peg board, check the date intermittently and hope for the best! If my DC had a birthday party I’d feel like I was pissing into the wind not sending a reminder 24-48 hours before! No one could turn up at all! I think you were lucky it was only 5 frankly.

TwinkleTwinkleTwinkleTwinkle · 19/11/2023 22:11

Nobody showed up to my kid's party two years ago. Two then appeared an hour late. I haven't thrown a party since.

littlebopeepp234 · 19/11/2023 22:21

TwinkleTwinkleTwinkleTwinkle · 19/11/2023 22:11

Nobody showed up to my kid's party two years ago. Two then appeared an hour late. I haven't thrown a party since.

Some people are just downright rude! And that is so heartbreaking what happened to you!

I sent 28 invites out for my DD’s party (a whole class invite). Out of those 28, only 11 responded. The rest just completely ignored the invite, never even acknowledged it! Fast forward 2 months and my DD gets 2 separate party invites from 2 of the children whose parents couldn’t even be arsed to respond to my DD’s invite or let us know either way. Needless to say that I have not responded to either of their invites either!

CountessWindyBottom · 19/11/2023 22:47

I think reminder messages are essential for both the host and the recipient. Life can be hectic juggling multiple social diaries and have luckily avoided having my children being no shows at parties simply because the host sent a timely reminder.

Joeylove88 · 19/11/2023 22:57

I think the excuse of forgetting cant always be justified. The kids probably never stop talking about it in the run up to the party date so surely parents would get 100 reminders from their children?! I threw a party for my little girl this weekend and several of my friends told me their kids had been going on about it for ages!

Gingerbee · 19/11/2023 23:02

I once had a child turn up a day late for a fancy dress birthday party.
I now send a reminder on the day or the day before to anyone invited to one of our parties.

Pinkfluff76 · 19/11/2023 23:07

You lost £70 and your child didn’t get presents from those kids. Some people are so rude!

surreygirl1987 · 19/11/2023 23:50

Really annoying and rude but definitely do not message!
Another perspective- it really can be hard to keep track of all the parties, if you have multiple kids. I have two children, and last weekend there were 3 parties between them. It really is a juggle. I'm very organised with my calendar but I imagine some people are less so. Also, it wouldn't cross my mind that people are paying per place; all the parties we go to at the moment have exclusive hire (eg aodtplay etc) or pay a fee for a maximum amount of kids. We definitely had a handful of no shows at my son's soft play party and I didn't bat an eyelid as didn't make a difference at all to us- we paid a flat fee. I imagine when they're older and doing Go Ape etc, that would be more annoying though.

girlfriend44 · 20/11/2023 00:39

Just because you want to.invite kids to parties dosent mean they will always turn up.
It's the same with adults there's always someone who says they will come to something and don't.
That's life.

Move on and accept it.

SandyWaves · 20/11/2023 06:43

littlebopeepp234 · 19/11/2023 22:21

Some people are just downright rude! And that is so heartbreaking what happened to you!

I sent 28 invites out for my DD’s party (a whole class invite). Out of those 28, only 11 responded. The rest just completely ignored the invite, never even acknowledged it! Fast forward 2 months and my DD gets 2 separate party invites from 2 of the children whose parents couldn’t even be arsed to respond to my DD’s invite or let us know either way. Needless to say that I have not responded to either of their invites either!

Edited
Show quote history

Fair enough.

See how they like the stress!!

Cattenberg · 20/11/2023 09:22

It’s not always possible to send reminders. For DD’s last party, there were two families I didn’t have any contact details for, because they never texted me to accept/decline the invitations. Both told me in the playground that their child was “definitely” coming. On the day, one turned up and the other didn’t.

littlebopeepp234 · 20/11/2023 10:08

SandyWaves · 20/11/2023 06:43

Fair enough.

See how they like the stress!!

Show quote history

if I’m being honest, the invite went in the bin! Probably not fair on the children but then their parents didn’t care about my DD’s feelings either or about leaving me in limbo not knowing. It was heartbreaking the amount of people who just never responded (more than half the class), even if it was just to let me know they wouldn’t be coming!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 20/11/2023 10:54

Dear no-show
So sorry that X didn’t come to the party.
I didn’t get a msg from you so I hope s/he is ok? The cost included a party bag so I have x’s bag here, I’ll ask teacher to pop it into X’s book bag. Have a great day. Y.