Messaging birthday party no shows

[Havanawinter]

I’ve been stewing on this since last weekend and can’t decide if I’m BU. My son turned 6 last week and had a soft play party. We invited 20 kids, 18 RSVPd yes, all seemed well. Come the day of the party and 5 of the kids don’t show up. No messages in advance and nothing since. I want to say something to the parents of the no shows along the lines of “sorry X couldn’t make it in the end, please let me know in the future as we could have offered their spot to another child” but DH says that’s crass and I should just leave it. It’s £70-odd down the drain too and I think it’s just rude not to send a message saying “oh sorry X Is ill and can’t come to the party”

AIBU?

YANBU. How are people so rude? We live in an era of “main character energy” fuelled by social media. Everyone thinks the world revolves around them and has stopped being considerate of others. Completely disagree with PPs saying you should have sent a reminder text—they’re not children! Agh I’d be furious. I’m so sorry, as others have said, make sure they’re not invited next year. Or just choose a handful of DC’s good friends? Someone once said the same number of guests as the same age is a good rule!?

It's annoying and I only did one party where I paid by head. Never again, last minute cancellations from known "offenders" (mum was known to double-book her DD and then realise it in the last minute).

After that we only did parties where I couldn't be bothered if people came or not.

Does passive aggressive even work, surely people just ignore these types of message.

I can't see how it would worry anyone at all.

OP, I suggest using paperless post (or something similar) to manage your RSVPs in future. I used it for my son's birthday invites and it was around £30.

You can send a broadcast reminder via the app (which guests receive as an email). I did this the week before, and a couple of people who had previously RSVP'd replied to say that they now couldn't come.

I think with birthday parties, it's good to send the invites early so that people don't get booked up with other things, but they will also need a reminder nearer the event.

I think you just have to let relatively minor stuff like this go. People will let you down, for a million different reasons, and if you choose to dwell on it then you can prepare to spend a decent chunk of your life stewing over something or other. Each to their own but it's not how I want to spend my time feeling.

It's understand that it's really annoying. I guess there were probably some parents who genuinely forgot because they have their own things going on that are taking up headspace (illness, family issues, divorce etc. Just life stuff) or have genuine difficulties with organisation, and some parents who couldn't be bothered and don't have the manners to text and let you know. You'll never know. We had a similar experience at DD's last party. I now know which kids not to invite to expensive parties with limited numbers in the future. I was annoyed initially but then we cracked on and enjoyed the party and just didn't give it any more thought.

The last whole class party DS had was when he was in Y6 for his 10th birthday.

There was one parent whose DS ran up to her with the invite (handed out at school drop off) and she popped it in her bag, so I know she’d received it. Didn’t have the courtesy to just let me know her DS couldn’t make it! Radio silence!

Every invite DS ever received was accepted or politely declined, it doesn’t take much.

To not turn up at a party after accepting is extremely rude of the parents, not the DC. I would never take it out on the child.

If I was paying on the day I would have sent a message the day before, just checking that DC can still make it as paying individually, no problems if you can’t make it but please let me know if not. Something along those lines!

I wouldn’t message afterwards though, just share the photos and move on, annoying as it is!

You make it sound like the OP is wrong to be annoyed. It is downright rude and a reflection of the very self-centred society we are quickly becoming.

I don’t blame you for being cross OP but sadly those type of people have think skin and loose morals so you’ll get nowhere. I hope your son had a good time despite flakey parents.

About as subtle as a punch in the face.

@NerrSnerr. Great user handle. Are you from Hull? 😂

No don't send any message . Remember you child will grow in friendships with the children that attended ... there's nothing more bonding at a young age to have gone to a peers birthday party.

Also If you message your child might be excluded from invites ( some parents can be very petty and think nothing of taking it out on a child ).

Just keep a note of it for next time and when invites next go out ask if I they would like an invite as it may clash with something as they didn't attend last time !

your son had a great birthday, just keep that In mind , that’s the most important thing. Really in the big picture of life just get over it.

Very rude..I would always send a message a few days before reminding people to flush out this sort of thing.

I love MN for tips like this. My DD is is only 2 and hasn’t had a party yet, I know now we won’t be doing anything cost per head until we know who are the flakey, ignorant parents who won’t turn up and don’t let you know. Top tips!

This happened to me I couldn't take my child to a birthday party and I did message the parents to let them know. It is rude not to at least message you.

When I had birthday parties what made me laugh is that parents would leave their children's siblings with me as well. I didn't mind more the merrier and they all had a great time.

In my job I’ve worked both privately and for publicly provided services. When it’s provided ‘free’ it’s very common for children/adults to be sick, cars to brake down, buses to be missed. Funny enough when I charge this almost never happens. People will tell you a load of bollocks the up shot is they didn’t prioritise it or they got a better offer.

It's just how it goes, OP.

Not great of course. Some of the parents will be flakes in general. So will be in shit situations where a kids party on a Saturday could fall by the wayside if something happens.

Either way, probably a disappointed 6 year old who didn't get to go to a party due to a situation they couldn't do anything about so I wouldn't take it out on them for future parties 😞😞

@Havanawinter I’m another one for not complaining even politely about this. It’s just bad luck, my ex used to work in events and he always said if you have a free guest list, always a third won’t show up out of the rsvps. No one knows why, maybe it’s the same rule for birthday parties? I bet at least one of them was sick so while they should have contacted you it was probably a better party for them not being there.
try to imagine that they all had a really good reason which might be embarrassing to share, then text them a friendly message to give them an opportunity to say something, then you can graciously say “don’t worry, I’ve been there”. It’s rarely personal.

Fuck em. Send a text “Sorry little Timmy didn’t make it to the party - hope everything is okay. Please drop DS gift off at next school pick up.”

Take the high ground. You are stuck with these people another 5 years.

A collective memory loss for so many on one area? Highly unlikely.
Why do people on here support/make excuses for those who do wrong?

This.
Don't send a pass agg message, you'll just look petty.
Don't invite the kids next time and send a reminder message if you're paying per head.

Why waste your time and energy stewing on things like this?

I wouldn’t send a message, but I also wouldn’t invite those kids again. I had similar happen to me - the mum messaged a week later to say she’d forgotten but they’d love to have DC over for a playdate to make up for it. I’m holding my breath waiting for that invitation.

I don't remember all that much about my young childhood, but one memory I have is this:

I was playing on my swing in the garden, when my mum rushed out in tears and hugged me, telling me how sorry she was (my mum was tough and not the type to cry or apologise to us) because Harriet's mum had called to ask if I was okay as I'd not been at the party. My mum had thought it was next week, and now I'd missed it.

My mum is a bit Hyacinth Bucket and instilled in us manners/punctuality to the point of being neurotic, so this probably killed her inside.😂

I do think it's incredibly rude not to turn up to something you've RSVPed "yes" to with no explanation, but I have a) no interest in kicking off drama over something so small and b) no desire to make a Hyacinth Bucket type sob with embarrassment.

They're grown adults. They don't need reminders