Messaging birthday party no shows

[Havanawinter]

I’ve been stewing on this since last weekend and can’t decide if I’m BU. My son turned 6 last week and had a soft play party. We invited 20 kids, 18 RSVPd yes, all seemed well. Come the day of the party and 5 of the kids don’t show up. No messages in advance and nothing since. I want to say something to the parents of the no shows along the lines of “sorry X couldn’t make it in the end, please let me know in the future as we could have offered their spot to another child” but DH says that’s crass and I should just leave it. It’s £70-odd down the drain too and I think it’s just rude not to send a message saying “oh sorry X Is ill and can’t come to the party”

AIBU?

Think you've misunderstood the money part; it was 70 quid for the 5 who didn't show up, not in total.

Don't say you can go or at least text and make a reason up as to why you can't go then.
Although most people aren't bothered about presents.

I agree they are rude and I would have messaged you to say sorry, even if after the event, but I don't think you can message them now.

It's not £70 down the drain really, as you would have had to pay it if they had turned up, so presumably you had accounted for it. Sunk cost surely?

NO WAY would I said that message from @wokbun !!

Hopefully your ds had a lovely time with those who came; maybe just make a mental note of who these flaky parents are for future reference. (haha I see the first reply literally says that!)

It’s possible that they knew that you pay the venue on arrival, and didn’t realise it was tied to RSVPs, so didn’t think it would cost you.
That's no excuse. If you say you are going then you go.

it's a sin on MN to make any kind of mistake and nobody here ever does
I admit I once forgot. Not to deliver the child to the party ... but to pick them up afterwards!

I wouldn't send a message to the no shows it just comes across as bitter. In a class of 30 you can be invited to 30 birthday parties so the less polite probably suffering from party fatigue and either forget or can't be arsed to apologise.

Tho I agree with the PP who suggested a reminder on the morning - 'looking forward to seeing you at the party - just a reminder it starts at 1pm' - especially if you will be paying cost per head on the day like this one.

Life happens, sometimes people forget things especially when they've got multiple children going to parties and clubs and so on. I'd just forget about it and move on.

This happens all the time, it's really annoying and I'm now not prepared to invite people I can't rely on attending to these sort of parties any more

It's shit, and bloody annoying.

Don't message them though.
Just don't invite them next time.

It's too late to say anything.

Next time, send a text 2 days before saying something like "We're looking forward to seeeing you at the party - DC is excited! If you can't make it for any reason, please just let me know as I need to pay up front for the kids. Thanks xx"

I think people are so used to (what I think of) as big "paid for" parties that they think if they drop out it won't matter.

Of course enough people thinking that & it does matter!

There was something to be said for a few kids to a birthday tea & party games!

@Talkingtothecat247

At this age it's usually whole class invites and the kids often aren't best buddies - so there isn't the countdown.

I don't have anything stuck anywhere in my kitchen? Did the OP even send paper invites or was it all done on the group chat?

Either way, people forget. Pretty standard to send a looking forward to seeing you all message.

Those who haven't acknowledged not turning up are rude as hell.

Also I think it's really important to remember that people 'give parties' for their / their DC's friends. It's an old-fashioned phrase and concept perhaps but a really important one. You are giving something, offering it to people. The invitee might accept graciously, or not - but no one is obliged to accept a gift.

Party invitations are not contracts. People do not owe you.

Of course these guests have been ill-mannered and it is upsetting but they don't owe you anything. You chose to offer the party that you did. You pay for it.

The same goes for wedding invitations. This is why people with old-fashioned manners write afterwards to thank their hosts.

It's interesting how that idea has shifted, so that guests are now seen as doing their hosts a favour by turning up - and wedding guests generally sit back and await a thank-you from the couple for their gift, without acknowledging the lovely day they have been given. So self-centred and materialistic.

This

Why didn't you speak to the venue before you left and said that 5 people didn't show up and could they refund?

Please could you send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

And then wait for the response that simply says "No."

I'd put a comment on whatever social media post you pop up with some photos of the rest of the kids enjoying themselves like "Some photos of X's party - such a pity that some of his friends couldn't make it - a wonderful time was had by all who were there"

Subtle and still gets your point across.

That's verging into bending over backwards to come up with excuses that would only ever be heard on here. Did they also lose all their money between accepting the invite and the party and then run out of credit to send a text and have their wifi cut off to WhatsApp a little white lie about their child being ill?

Of course not, they simply forgot or didn't forget but were rude not to send a sorry we can't make it message

A few parents, I have noticed, once you accept the invite they add you to a party whatsapp group. Not something I have personally done but might make it easier to remind people, like 'look forward to seeing you all at the party' either on the day or the day before. (It may prompt them to say, 'actually we can't make it').

It is rude not to fire a quick message off though, to say they cannot attend, it's only happened once where we could not attend and the first thing I did was message the mum to let her know.

I think the best way to deal with this is to message during the party. Just ‘hi, just checking xxxx is coming today?’ Then you call them out but it’s less awkward than a week later. Obviously too late now but for the future!

Party invitations are not contracts. People do not owe you.
An 'invitation' is not a contract but an 'accepted invitation' certainly is. If they accept the invitation then they owe attendance.

I find that a strange way to judge it.

I had exactly the same. There was another child I really wish we’d invited instead, so it bothered me for ages! The child who didn’t turn up is fine, but I have no time at all for her rude and inconsiderate parents.

It's really rude and annoying but it's the parents that are to blame, not the kids. It's a shame to punish the children by not inviting them to future parties due to their crappy parents.

No shows without a message drive me mad! Although I wouldn't and haven't messaged, but I could understand wanting to (and if I knew them well I might send a hope X is ok we missed them at the party?' ).

When my son had a joint whole class party, the venue was open to public but the party room only fitted the exact number as in the class, so we agreed we'd put our other kids / birthday kids siblings in the party if there were any decline from the class, or pay extra for them to enter as a Normal customer and give them separate food if not. 2 declined but we had 3 siblings. I deliberately mentioned the party on the class WhatsApp the day before to jog memories, in the hope that if anyone needed to back out last minute that would remind them, but no one did. So we paid extra on entry, and then 2 more didn't show. Never heard from their parents, not even afterwards when people has been thanking us on the WhatsApp group that I know they are on. It just annoys me that not only had we had to pay in advance but even if we'd been told that day we could have filled most of the spaces we'd paid for and not paid extra on top. Even if they forgot an apology afterwards would be nice.

But not much you can do unfortunately!