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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messaging birthday party no shows

231 replies

Havanawinter · 18/11/2023 10:50

I’ve been stewing on this since last weekend and can’t decide if I’m BU. My son turned 6 last week and had a soft play party. We invited 20 kids, 18 RSVPd yes, all seemed well. Come the day of the party and 5 of the kids don’t show up. No messages in advance and nothing since. I want to say something to the parents of the no shows along the lines of “sorry X couldn’t make it in the end, please let me know in the future as we could have offered their spot to another child” but DH says that’s crass and I should just leave it. It’s £70-odd down the drain too and I think it’s just rude not to send a message saying “oh sorry X Is ill and can’t come to the party”

AIBU?

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 18/11/2023 11:25

So you paid £70 (did you ask for the parents to contribute?) and 13 instead of 18 children enjoyed the party. So it worked out at £5.88 per child instead of £3.38 per child.

As pp have said it just cost you a bit more per child, you didn't lose money if you paid a flat rate for the soft play. How can you say it was money down the drain?

pls don't go saying that you could have offered their place to another child when you know that you didn't have a queue of other children who had to walk away disappointed because the threshold had been reached. They'll think you're bonkers,

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 18/11/2023 11:25

wokbun · 18/11/2023 10:53

Sorry X couldn't come - I hope all is well. Please could you send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

Or send the first bit then see what excuse they have and say aw no sorry to hear their gerbil died please send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

You would ask them to send you money?

RoundTheBendThenBackAgain · 18/11/2023 11:26

I'd send a message saying "hope all is OK with X, DS missed them at the party".

daisychain01 · 18/11/2023 11:26

Or send the first bit then see what excuse they have and say aw no sorry to hear their gerbil died please send me £10 which is half the cost of the place. Thank you.

"Off your rocker" territory, right there.

Original poster
Havanawinter · 18/11/2023 11:26

It was £13.95 per child which is £69.75 for the 5 that didn’t show. Sorry if I didn’t make that clear :)

OP posts:
cansu · 18/11/2023 11:27

Leave it. Nothing good will come of sending any kind of message. Your child is going to be in this school and mixing with these kids for a long time. You don't want him to not be invited etc because of your message.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 18/11/2023 11:27

It's annoying but I wouldn't bother messaging. Someone did this at my sons party 3 years running so we just don't invite them anymore.

KnickerlessParsons · 18/11/2023 11:27

That's why I never did parties with a per child cost. I did things with a hall hire cost and something like a balloon man or a magician or something.

daisychain01 · 18/11/2023 11:32

Havanawinter · 18/11/2023 11:26

It was £13.95 per child which is £69.75 for the 5 that didn’t show. Sorry if I didn’t make that clear :)

It's always disappointing when people decide not to show up and meet their obligation. It's insulting to you as the hostess and it's disappointing to your DC, but honestly, it will haunt you if you send a snottigram to the 5 parents and they compare notes with each other (as so often happens with cliquey groups).

Yes there maybe a "dead gerbil" at play but if even one of them had a genuine reason for their no-show and you assume the worst, you'll have egg on your face.

Mothership4two · 18/11/2023 11:32

YANBU and annoying but it is probably best to leave it. They should approach you to give their reasons. Don't invite next time. I never sent out reminders (or even thought about it) and never was a problem except for one girl who didn't come two years in a row but there were issues at home and there wasn't a third invite - I did try to help her mother out.

Talipesmum · 18/11/2023 11:34

You absolutely don’t have to, but it does really help to send a reminder the day before. We had a few kids who often were no shows. It turned out that one had parents who often struggled to take the child places, car was needed for work etc, but they were too socially anxious to say so and just thought it was best to hide. Obv rude but also I know they were slightly odd v socially anxious parents, not nasty, and DC liked their child a lot. So we used to include suggestions of lift sharing and people would offer to take their child, and they were v thankful. Another parent was just chronically forgetful and always sent hugely grateful thanks for reminder as they’d have forgotten. Another was just a rude chancer and they never said anything so, despite a fair bit of effort to help their child get to parties as dc liked the child, it eventually became “not our problem”.

I guess I’m saying that it doesn’t hurt to send reminders though it’s not “your job” but it can improve things for your child and other children if their parents are a bit crap.

senua · 18/11/2023 11:36

KnickerlessParsons · 18/11/2023 11:27

That's why I never did parties with a per child cost. I did things with a hall hire cost and something like a balloon man or a magician or something.

Same here!

Mylovelygreendress · 18/11/2023 11:40

Nousernamesleftatall · 18/11/2023 11:16

If you didn’t send a reminder message they probably forgot.

Do people not have calendars these days ?

purplemunkey · 18/11/2023 11:41

It's sad for your DS and annoying for you, but I wouldn't sent a message.

I agree with others though that a reminder nearer the time is a good idea. Yes, we are all adults but honestly, it's for your DS more than anything.

I remember my DDs first year at school, there were parties almost every weekend. This plus constant school reminders, DCs hobbies and my own calendar it can be very hard to keep up - especially if you have multiple children.

A quick 'DS is looking forward to his party this Saturday, see you all there' may have nudged a few people into either letting you know they can no longer come, or reminding them it was on.

Seas164 · 18/11/2023 11:42

In invitation is just that, and although it is bad manners not to appear at a party you've been invited to, it would be far more crass to chase them for a reason, or for payment.

It's just cost you £70 to find out who not to invite in future. Keep your composure.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 18/11/2023 11:43

Nousernamesleftatall · 18/11/2023 11:16

If you didn’t send a reminder message they probably forgot.

I forget a lot of things but have never needed a reminder for a birthday party my kids have been invited to. It's rude.

Fionaville · 18/11/2023 11:46

I've thrown lots of kids parties and never known this. If one or two don't turn up, there's always a text beforehand to apologise.
It's just plain rude. I wouldnt contact them. But I'd remember it.

Barleysugar86 · 18/11/2023 11:47

It is awful of them, and if they forgot I'd expect them to send a so sorry message and a present along after.
It seems crazy to me they could forget in theory but then I messed up last week and took my kid to a party on the wrong day (thankfully a day early, so we could still make the party as well, just felt a little foolish!)

senua · 18/11/2023 11:47

A quick 'DS is looking forward to his party this Saturday, see you all there' may have nudged a few people into either letting you know they can no longer come, or reminding them it was on.
I had a (very) few occasions over the years where people couldn't come to a party but the present turned up afterwards. We even had Declines, with plenty of notice, but they still sent a gift! Very generous and gracious.Shock
Did DS get presents from the no-shows, OP?

toodleloop · 18/11/2023 11:48

I wouldn't message. Certainly not a week later!

I agree with a PP that some people do forget (despite the fact it's a sin on MN to make any kind of mistake and nobody here ever does).
Forget to put it in the diary/child that isn't so close to party child doesn't ever mention it again/you're not a playground mum/lots going on - I think it's fairly easily done.

I'd definitely send a text the day before, or in the morning confirming plans.

It's not ok that you haven't received any apologies.

NoSquirrels · 18/11/2023 11:48

YANBU, it’s horrible it cost you money for nothing, but it’s too late to message now if the party was last weekend. Rude buggers.

It’s possible that they knew that you pay the venue on arrival, and didn’t realise it was tied to RSVPs, so didn’t think it would cost you. Our soft plays usually do a minimum of X guests e.g. 12 but then you pay per person who shows up past that. So as long as 12 turn up you’re not losing money.

Talkingtothecat247 · 18/11/2023 11:48

Nousernamesleftatall · 18/11/2023 11:16

If you didn’t send a reminder message they probably forgot.

Not if the invitation is staring them in the face on the fridge, and their child is counting down the days to their friend's party.

I've never had a reminder text from a parent saying "Don't forget party in two days time".

Imagwine · 18/11/2023 11:49

They would be on my never invite again list, or if your dc desperately want them to be invited next time, I would be chasing them up just prior to the event to make sure they are still coming. I have a long memory…

Halfemptyhalfling · 18/11/2023 11:49

It's possible they couldn't afford a present and so felt really embarrassed iand so decided just to not turn up

lottiegarbanzo · 18/11/2023 11:50

Don't.

What would you be aiming to achieve? Embarrassment? Apology? People who lack the manners to let you know on the day are not going to feel embarrassed or apologetic now.

What would you achieve? Social ostracisation, for you and your child. You'll make yourself 'that nutcase'. People will avoid you and exclude your child.

Presumably your child will be at school with these people for another 5+ years? Keep it civil, don't destroy his future friendships now.

Just take note and encourage friendships with the DC of the reliable parents.

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