Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Why can’t your MIL just go to your parents for Christmas? And then if you’re not up to going over there your parents and MIL could pop round for a few hours to see you?

I understand what you are saying ...but she will be grandma and probably wants to marvel and enjoy a little bit of time as that ..
Could she come late morning and go with you to your parents for however long you stay ...and then go home from there ?

I’m with your DH. You are not being asked to host. I really don’t see the big deal. Is this because you don’t like your MIL?

DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem and His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

Your poor MIL hasn't done anything wrong, she just asked if it would be ok. Your DH is the one who has invited her and then had a tantrum when you said it wouldn't work.

Do your parents mind? If not then why would her being there too be such a problem? If you make it clear you might only be there for a short visit, she can decide whether it's worth it. Just be clear you don't want anyone coming to your house, draw that line and stick to it. I know it's hard to predict how you will feel, but it's only one day and you might be fine. If you're not, just go home.

I think I’d have felt like this too at the time and it does seem very odd that she hasn’t made plans but also I don’t think it’s as big a deal as you are perceiving it as. I do expect DH to discuss plans before agreeing though
For me it would depend on how helpful she is likely to be and how much she would be expected to be “hosted”. I’d make it clear that you don’t know how the day will go.
I do think it’s rude about your parents though as they should also have been asked.

I wouldn’t make a big deal of it. But I think I’d ask hubs to have a word with MIL, remind her that you can’t have firm plans and this year would be a good year with her to spend with her other kids.

My parents also don't really want other people involved on Xmas day this year as my sister who lives abroad and hasn't been here for Xmas in 3 years is back and they wanted a small family Xmas without anyone else changing the dynamic. MIL is very different to my parents and it wouldn't be an "easy" day hosting her and would absolutely change the dynamic. She doesnt know my parents well so it would be extremely weird for her to go to theirs without myself or DH present. Also she has a tendency to never sit sit and constantly fuss over things which is exactly what I DONT want in the immediate aftermath of birth. It just makes things a lot easier if we plan to see her another day at OUR house - I feel I should be able to set my own rules and boundaries for the immediate days following birth just like any woman.

Your DH is a dick

YANBU at all.

First time Mum, brand new baby, you do what you want to do. Do not give in and let her dictate what you do whilst you are freshly post-partum and also on your first ever Christmas as a Mummy!

You've made your decision, DH should support you and MIL can suck it up and wait the whole extra day until Boxing Day.

Edited for typos.

How difficult for you! Would your parents be happy to host an extra on Christmas day for Christmas dinner? Give MIL another "time slot" to see you on Xmas day?
I understand it's very difficult, the only thing I would urge you to remember is that MIL is DHs mum and she will love your new baby just as much as your DM will. Don't leave her feelings out. Your DH loves his mum just as much as you love yours.
As the mother of a son and a daughter I am gently reminding you of this and whatever your decision remember you could be the MIL in this situation in years to come.
I mean this kindly, try to be fair but at the end of the day it's your decision but if you get on well with her just keep love at the forefront of your decisions.
She hopefully is understanding and you can come to your own arrangements together. X

No, you're not being unreasonable at all. Those first few weeks after a birth are exhausting as you begin to adjust to fragmented sleep, night waking, and explosive nappies; so it's really a time to focus on resting, healing and bonding with your little one, not hosting guests.

Maybe MIL and OP’s parents don’t get on ? My late MIL and DM disliked each other intensely.
It’s a bit rude to assume that someone else will welcome an extra ( uninvited) person !

Would you do this to your mum? She is grandma too. Why can't she come for dinner with your family.

It’s tricky as totally get you wanting to be alone post birth, but for your DH it’s hard as you’re ok to see your family, but not his. At Christmas that is going to sting a bit, and I’m sure he might think it’s a convenient excuse not to see his mother (not say if it is). Hence the row.

I’ve name changed for this as it’s very outing.

I was 9 months pregnant in December a few years ago and my partner invited his father for Christmas. I was actually due a couple of days after and our first baby had been 10 days late. I shouldn’t have agreed to it, his parent should have had more sense than to think it was sensible coming over and expecting a ‘proper Christmas’ when I could have had a newborn already and I was already in pain and ‘done’ by the start of December. Stupidly I ‘powered through’ the day. That was a mistake - utterly exhausted by Christmas Night I took myself to bed, and my waters broke. His father packed his bag and left the next morning, leaving us with a toddler, post Christmas chaos and me in on/off labour not being able to do much (I also had a lovely wake up call to how useless my now ex was but that’s another story).

Long story short, tell your husband to bugger off. This is physically, emotionally and every other way one of the toughest times for a woman. Being heavily pregnant, the anxiety and anticipation, those first few mad days/weeks that are simply inexplainable unless you experienced it. You have the right to say what you’re comfortable with right now. There will be other Christmases you can spent with MiL, but for this one you need support and understanding.

Yanbu and your DH is being a dick.

His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it

Yeah, I would take bets on DH doing absolutely fuck all whilst MIL expects to sit and fuss over baby as you run around making xmas dinner etc.

Postpartum time is about you and the baby.
It’s time to recover, get used to being a Mum and settle
It is NOT a time to consider anyone else’s wants or feelings.
YANBU, please look after yourself and tell your husband it’s his job to get you out the situation that he put you in.
I think your MIL is very unreasonable to even ask

Its not impossible for you to all muck in together, you might all end up havng a lovely day - new mums, returning sisters, grandmother's, everyone

I think it's awful tbh...and without even opening the thread I knew you'd be seeing your parents on Christmas Day and not your husband's.
My PFB DS is also a December baby, there is no way I would have deprived her of both seeing her son and her new Grandchild on Christmas Day while I enjoyed time with my family.
I'm hoping my son grows up seeing how I treat all Grandparents equally and with love in the hopes I'm not the MIL sidelined in the future.

YANBU,your MIL needs to make other plans.

Not all husbands and grandmothers are useless and need to waited on hand and foot and not all families are dysfunctional and at each other's throats. This could be a pleasant day for all of them if they are reasonable grown-ups.

You've saved me from typing same! Also op would of course need to be grateful for all the childcare help!

You're going to be either very early post partum, with all the associated exhaustion and bleeding and pain and general discomfort, or you might still be heavily pregnant and very fed up and uncomfortable. I went to nearly 42 weeks with both pregnancies, and the last two weeks were the absolute worst. In one case I was in early labour for several days, basically from 41 weeks, and in no state to have visitors.

So I think your mil is being ridiculous to even ask. And your dh needs to recognise that your needs are going to come first over this period. You could have an easy birth and straightforward recovery, bit it's still bloody hard work. And if you have any complications at all, you could still be in hospital, for goodness sake. Playing it by ear is exactly right, and planned visitors expecting to be hosted just doesn't work with that. Especially ones that are a bit high maintenance like your mil sounds. You're not unreasonable to say no.