Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Keep love at the forefront of your decisions?

Sorry but I'm proper laughing about this.

I am the age of the grandparent and there is no way at all that id consider pushing myself onto a new Mum who needs time to recover from birth.

The MIL needs to keep love at the forefront of her decisions and make other arrangements.

How far away does your MIL live?

Can’t believe people think it is fine DH has effectively invited his mum to your parents without asking anyone if this is okay?

I would be telling her she needs to be flexible with plans and to have a plan B. If you are 41 weeks on 21st I assume that could mean you could still give birth on Christmas Day or still be in hospital.

There are some very embittered people on this thread.

She's just given birth to her first child, and unsurprisingly she'd rather spend the day with her parents, whom she obviously, and understandably, has a closer relationship with than her in-laws. She's said she can see MIL on Boxing Day, it's literally a day later.

But my whole point is I don't even know if WE will end up going to my parents. It's completely a play by ear situation. If we don't even end up going then what would she do? She doesn't know my parents well and it would be so weird for her to go there without us so that's not an option. Meaning she might end up left with no plans at all on Xmas day which I wouldn't want for her hence why I've urged DH to get her to make other plans for that day and then arrange for her to come on boxing day or day after to our house for a couple of hours.

The op hasn’t guaranteed she will be seeing her parents. Her parents are hosting them, 10 minutes away so there would be zero pressure on the op to ‘host’. Of course she would be more comfortable with her own family post birth - and this is very likely to be only a couple of days after given the situation. The crux is the fact it’s Christmas, if it was any other time of year the baby was born and MiL was expecting a day of hosting, good food and company for herself then everyone would be saying unreasonable.

The op hasn’t even said his mum can’t come, just in Boxing Day instead. This works for millions of other families - some of us don’t even always have our kids on Christmas Day itself every year when we share custody/care. That’s simply how it goes to be fair.

He can fuck off round hers if he's that bothered.

THANK YOU - this exactly. I'm obviously more comfortable to get my tits out and breastfeed in front of my own family vs DHs, and if I'm feeling rough, bleeding, in pain etc I will just be lying on the sofa that day and me and my family have a very direct relationship where I will literally tell them to leave me alone if I need space or whatever - no fuss needed. It won't be the case with MIL there.

I come from a family where we welcome anyone who wants to join at Christmas, even if they’re a bit of a pain. But as usual the mumsnet attitude is that nobody should inconvenience themselves in any way for others 🙄 how lovely.

I think it’s wrong for the OP to plan to visit her family with the new baby, but exclude the mother in law. Honestly it’s no wonder so many couples have problems when they treat the people their partner loves in this way. I’m not a huge fan of my MIL but my husband loves her and if he wanted her to see baby on his first Christmas I’d make sure it happened because I value him and his feelings and my MIL is a part of that.

As a MIL, I wouldn’t dream of imposing myself on my DIL and my DS on Christmas Day with a new baby. I remember just how exhausting and terrifying those first few weeks are with your first or any baby. Your MIL and your DH are both being selfish. It’s not about the day - it’s the fact that they haven’t considered your wants and needs.

It would be a hard no from me. To my mum or my in-laws. Is she planning on coming to you in the morning and then travelling to and from your parents with you or staying over? What if you don't end up going to your parents and you spend the whole day in bed? Is she going to be happy to do nothing all day? I would also be concerned she would use this to judge you in some way.

Honestly I think its an awful plan and I don't think your MIL is showing you much respect by asking. I would contact her direct to say that you won't be up to hosting anyone and she can maybe pop by for an hour late afternoon if you're well enough/out of hospital. Does your sister or brother in law have kids? Would you be able to get them on side to invite her to theirs instead?

My most recent baby was born at 41+5 and I was in labour all of the day before. So there is a chance of that too!

If you don't end up going to your mums then what would be your plans OP? I would hate the pressure of not knowing my own plans and feeling responsible for someone else's christmas day. Is husband expecting that if you don't go to your mothers then you will be cooking your own Christmas Dinner at home? Could MIL help cook at your house while you rest? Does your husband cook?

Just because she has spent Christmas with her ex/other children in the past doesn’t mean it’s an option for her this year - have you asked what she might do otherwise? Honestly I think you are being a bit over dramatic- nobody is asking you to cook the dinner yourself.
I hope that one day my sons will let me join in with their family Christmases, rather than grudgingly offering two hours on Boxing Day!

Completely fair enough not to invite her to your parents, she won't be alone.

But I think you should be committing to seeing her given you're committing to seeing your parents. Let her call round for coffee and a bun on Christmas morning so she can have a cuddle with her new grandchild. "Maybe we can see you on boxing Day depending on how we're feeling" is just mean. At the very least, commit to that.

I'm with you op.
You need to tell your dh to sort it out, I'd be calling him out seriously for saying your selfish, he's a complete dick.
Stick to your loose plans and no mil can't come to your dps, what happens when you want to leave, mil comes with you to your house, that's what will happen, there'll be no rest for you.
Postpartum is your time to recover and get used to the new little person in your life not to be hosting or worrying about mil.
Put your foot down, she has other options so she won't be alone.
Tell your H to sort it out or you'll be going to your dps alone

But why don't you just call her or message her and say better not make any plans for Christmas Day because we've no idea what's going to be happening?

It seems that emotions are running high on this one.

I can see that it was insensitive of your DH to invite your MIL without asking. I also see that your MIL is likely very excited about being a grandmother and spending time with you both.

Personally, I would just have her round and let your DH do all the work. I also don’t really see the problem with her coming to your parents for a few hours but that’s my outsiders view. One extra for lunch and then an hour of chat before you leave isn’t a huge problem.

Everyone will want to see the baby and congratulate you, it’ll be a very special time that people want to share. Yes you’ll be sore, feeding and bleeding, but it can still be special and a positive time.

I had a horrible birth but enjoyed visitors, it took my mind off things, they were all lovely and joyful, and respectful of not staying too long and being helpful.

Seeing the pure joy that the baby brought to them was wonderful at a time when I was struggling mentally.

You’re totally going to stress yourself out overthinking all of this. You need to skip giving messages to your husband to tell MIL and go straight to MIL yourself and just explain your due to give birth very close to Christmas so aren’t making any plans, let her know depending on what date you give birth you might not feel like heading out to your parents so you don’t want to make plans involving her in case you don’t go and you’d hate for your MIL to end up being alone with no Christmas plans.
edited just to say wether you give birth early or late it doesn’t sound like you want MIL at your parents or your parents don’t so that needs clearing up with MIL anyway and let her know there’s no invite

I'm confused with the bit about you being tall and therefore may give birth early? I'm the same height and never heard of this. Three kids later two born later than due dates and one born on their due date.

Tell your DH to just let MIL know how you will be feeling for her to visit Boxing Day. You may surprise yourself and feel ok after birth.

Not unreasonable for your family to not want an extra person at their small family Christmas or for you to want the whole day with her. Does she live close enough that she could pop round for just a couple hours in the morning, maybe for breakfast, a couple baby snuggles, presents and then she goes to spend the afternoon with other siblings?

Firstly, I've never heard height being a thing. I'm the same height and my DS was 2 weeks late and had to be pulled out kicking and screaming!! 🤣 I stayed in hospital 2 days, so if your dates are the same, you wouldn't be home anyway. And what would MiL do then? Still go to your parents n her own? That would be weird. And she could end up massively disappointed anyway.
After birth, I could barely stand and walk for days, and didn't want anyone around me. Your husband is being unreasonable as he has no idea what will happen. Everything could be fine, baby pops out a few days early and you be up and walking with no issues straight away. But no one knows, so it's best to not make any plans whatsoever.

I have 2 sons, both young 20s. No way will I ever make them or their partners feel responsible for my happiness over Xmas (or any other time of the year).
I also perfectly understand that a woman who has just had a new baby and is therefore vulnerable (PND) would feel more secure and relaxed with her own parents.
I have lots of friends my age who really take against their DILs for all sorts of ridiculous reasons and I try to put them straight. It's hard being a young woman and a young mum and I think a lot of grandparents forget that.

Put yourself and your baby first OP.

He shouldn't have invited her to someone else's house without asking. I think I would ask my parents to say no. I do also think that you need to make a firm commitment to see her another time, either Boxing day or in the days after that.

I think that the big issue here is that it’s all about you and your family- your parents don’t want MIL, you don’t want MIL, you ostensibly don’t want to go anywhere but you’re happy to make this “loose” arrangement to go to your own family, which sounds to me like it’s going to happen TBH. And that’s not great for her or your DH. Your DH was not right to shout at you though.

I totally understand why this is what you’d prefer to do- it’s probably what anyone would want to do- but I do think you need to plan make space for her, and not just Boxing Day for a few hours, either at yours or your parents (I’d suggest having her at your parents for a few hours in the afternoon) or to you for a few hours mid morning.

If she does come to you then she needs to know that if for whatever reason you don’t feel up to it everything might change (I.e. be cancelled), she will have to muck in and be flexible and also your DH needs to do all planning, food buying, catering, tea making, bed making etc. You absolutely don’t have to run yourself ragged being the host if you do agree to it.

She doesn't say this. She says 'on or after'. That is not early!