Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Heavily pregnant I cooked a meal for an incredibly ungrateful and rude FIL. It was a mistake I won't make again. It completely wiped me out for days. Stand your ground, you are absolutely right to do this and need to focus on yourself and the baby (and it's good to start that now as you will need your boundaries for many years ahead). Well done for realising it now than too late. DH needs to back down and apologise.

Your husband is being a dickhead. You can't make plans. You could give birth really anytime in December including Christmas. I had my daughter on the 14th. I had an emergency c section. I was kept in hospital for 3 nights. My mum delivered my husband and I food parcels over Christmas. Every day she would bring over whatever she had cooked. She might have popped in for a few minutes but I certainly wasn't up for company. I didn't have anyone over till the new year. I didn't take the baby to see my inlaws, who I adore, for a few weeks and even then the drive was agony. They couldn't come to us due to mobility issues. Anyhow, it sound like your husband is being a bit blasé about the labour and possible complications. I wonder if he can't put you first now, when you are giving birth to his baby, when will he?

So many people expecting OP’s parents to host the MIL, fine if they get on and are happy to do so, but there shouldn’t be an expectation that they should

I wouldn't be against MIL popping in for an hour or so on Xmas Day if she could facilitate that herself, but her needing to stay all day and come to my parents would piss me off too. Your DH really shouldn't have agreed, nor should he have called you names. Poor sap has no idea how exhausting and life-altering those first few weeks with a newborn are - he's in for a shock! Keep putting your foot down and, if he won't relent, tell him you're going to your mum's all day to be looked after and he ca stay at your house with his and they can entertain themselves!

Because on Boxing Day she knows she's just going to be at home - there's no potential visit to her mum's so it's an easier day to plan/arrange.

Bullshit.
There will be more threads if she lets herself be rode over roughshod by her MIL and her DH.
OP has offered boxing day. She is doing well to offer anything at all.

If more families backed off and gave space, there would be less PND for sure.

You don't host her. You rest and get waited on hand and foot. What she and your husband do is wait on you.
You feed baby and recover. They take baby when you need to rest. If you feel up to it get dressed.

If we don't even end up going then what would she do?

She’d spend it with you and DH?

If you’re in hospital she can visit when DH does, and spend the morning/evening with him given that he won’t be able to sleep over at the hospital and so will be alone himself on Christmas Day. Is that why he thinks you’re being selfish?

If your parents wouldn’t host your MIL that’s really the main thing.

Of course you don’t want to entertain straight after giving birth to your first child! You’ll be emotional, tired, and your life will be turned upside down (in a good way).

Stick to your guns saying you’ll be playing it by ear and won’t be hosting anyone except for a cup of coffee and mince pie.

Yanbu

I don’t think you’re being selfish. My in laws (who I adore and am closer to than my own mother) looked after my other kids for me when I went in to hospital to have my youngest, they flew over from another country especially and I still felt a bit awkward coming home with a brand new baby and having to get my boobs out in front of them while bleeding and sore!
(thankfully they’re also very kind and empathetic people so scarpered back to their hotel more or less as soon as we got back and were then far too respectful about visiting in the following days).

@Kirstymwh @YaWeeFurryBastard OP's mother might not have room for one more person!!! OP's hubby should not have said it would not be a problem. he should have discussed it with OP first. why has MIL changed her normal plans of renting a cottage with her ex is the question I would be asking!!

I'm sorry you're going through this stress - absolutely NOT what you need with a new baby and your husband sounds like he's not putting you first at all. (I hope it's not a sign of things to come.)

I literally said in my original post that I said to DH to tell her she was welcome to come to ours for a few hours on boxing day assuming I've had the baby and am not in hospital.

Couldn’t this be the invite for Christmas Day too? If not, why not?

For goodness sake, the op has offered for her MiL to come over! On Boxing Day, it doesn’t diminish any sort of grandparent relationship! People are really glossing over the point that the op hasn’t denied at any point for her mil to see the new baby at all. This is about the expectation of being hosted for Christmas itself. The baby will not know or care who they spent they first Christmas with, but the op will always remember how she’s had ridiculous expectations put on her for one ‘big’ day that really really isn’t that much of a big deal when you really look at it. Anyone can make Christmas work around the 25th, that specific date itself is not the be all/end all.

Why is it on OP to compromise?! She's the one pushing the baby out, she should be able to call the shots on this! Plus she says her MIL would have to stay all day because of logistics. It won't be a case of her just popping in.

Her husband won’t be bleeding and sore during that time though, will he?
as much as you are right in saying it’s also his baby, that time is not about him - sorry
people very much tend to forget about New Mother needs the second baby appears.
there will be time to be “fair” etc
it’s not during the first few weeks after birth

Sometimes people incl mothers in law aren't quiiiiite your cup of tea but if their presence on a happy day ruins it for you, that's not their fault. Don't over rationalise excluding her on Christmas day. It's a choice. Include or exclude.

It's so sad that families have come to this nowadays - one person literally being cut out on Christmas Day. Let's hope that you are never in this position in the future.

Why not tell MIL that you're welcome for her to come over on Christmas morning and Boxing Day, but Christmas Day lunch/dinner plans aren't going to work as we don't yet know what we are going to do. Yes, it's silly of your DH to say that's fine even though he hasn't checked, but the idea of your MIL going to your parents' house when they don't know each other well is a bit awkward.

OP, I feel for you.

At the risk of sharing some outing information, DS2 was born on Dec 14th (by C-section) and my birthday is the 22nd. DH decided it would be lovely to invite our friends and neighbours round for drinks on my birthday to meet the new addition to the family.
I hated every minute of it and am still traumatised by it more than 20 years later.

Because OP isn't intending to host Xmas Day! She wants to pop to her parents where her sibling who lives abroad will be at home for the first time in years.

Don't be guilt tripped by this nonsense OP.
I'm the mother of grown up boys.
I wouldn't expect to be at theirs for Xmas and have made my own exciting plans!
What is it with grandparents wanting to muscle in on new mothers? Just why? Give them some space FFS.

@Nonoatchristmas I assume you have never had to sit on your own on Christmas Day in a situation like this? This idea of "any date around Christmas works" just doesn't cut it.

It would depend if mil had an alternative or will she definitely be on her own? Also if you parents would mind. Do you get along with you mil?