Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Get a grip. You sound like you'd be the nightmare MIL if you think grandma's desire to see a grandchild when she wants to is more important than a new Mum's wants and needs at a very stressful time of year. Entitlement off the charts

Be totally selfish and stay at home, my son was due Christmas day, but wasn't born till 11 days later, after I was induced and had a c-section.
You want to stay at home, I wouldn't travel to my parents or his. Just stay at home, they can come and vist you and baby. Trust me travelling with a newborn isn't easy.. It's very stressful, even for a few hours.
You could just buy some party food to nibble on, then you don't have to cook the big traditional meal, that would be too much, with little to no sleep...

if your parents are happy for the in-laws to attend then this is actually a good compromise. When I came out of hospital second time around my mother decided to host us for tea straight at her house and invite my in-laws so that once I’d had enough I could leave. First time round they descended on me (the in-laws) but my mum kept away to let me rest and regretted it as they saw me and baby and she didn’t. It worked out quite nice as I was fed, they helped me bath the baby as second time round they hadn’t got me to do it in the hospital. I was able to then go home.

Aaah, sweetheart - just read this. It’s the very LAST thing you should be worrying about at the moment. I’m a Granny, a mother in law, and a mum and my daughter had a baby eight years ago on the 18th of December. It started out as a lovely birth in a birthing pool but my grandson did something odd with his elbow and it was a very difficult delivery. She was then taken to the local hospital where she stayed for a couple of days. On discharge, she came straight to us, which wasn’t the plan at all - but she wanted her mum!! I cancelled/ dropped everything and her husband brought all the carefully laid out baby stuff down from their home -50 miles away. EVERYONE understood- including her own mother in law! She didn’t want to see a soul- was just an emotional wreck!! By the New Year she was up and running and all was well and she was hugely embarrassed about her behaviour - but that’s exactly what you’re saying about going to your parents. They’re your mum and dad. You can just ‘crash out’ - whatever. You don’t know what will happen or how you will feel.You can’t make plans and you’re obviously concerned that you may inadvertently let your mother in law down. You need a lot of love at this time. Big hug from me 🤗.

The first Christmas with our first child, all 3 Grandparents were together, and one of those hosted everyone else.
why? Because everyone wanted that first moment, specially the recently widowed grandparent. Was it what I wanted? Think I was too hormonal and tired to care.

But your MIL does need alternative plans, as you say you may have just given birth, you may still be in hospital with post-birth complications and not able to visit your own parents, or you baby may be in NICU with you visiting daily. Or you may have given birth and gone home with your baby.

Ridiculous. She’s doing this so MIL has a Christmas. OP isn’t hosting! If she comes to theirs they might not even be there?
what do you think she should do. OPs mum doesn’t want her to come round. She could do and see one of her other children, what about them?

I noticed someone already did the mumsnet bingo of ‘you’ll be sorry because they’ll be dead one day’

Because you have class; something @Ibizafun clearly lacks in spades.

Without knowing the whole dynamic, in the situation where you would be close to, or just have given birth, your OH's responsibilities and attention should be on you and the new born and no-one else.

NO your are NOT being selfish, your OH is.

I had my first child almost exactly on this date. DH and I spent Christmas at home together with the baby. My parents who live nearby popped round in the morning for a cuddle/cup of tea and went home. My PIL who don't live nearby visited a couple of weeks later for a few days.

I love my in laws and for the rest of our lives we see them a lot and make a big effort which runs both ways. However, I would not have wanted to see them straight after giving birth. Actually they did visit a week after DS2 was born but it wasn't my first rodeo and I didn't mind. Baby was very overdue and they offered to delay and come later.

Your DH is awful and really I think your feelings matter the most here - you're the one giving birth! Christmas is also basically irrelevant when you've got a tiny baby.

I find all the posts from people berating you really strange. Perhaps they are overbearing MILs who have been knocked back by their own relatives!

You def need to tell MIL to back off. We had similar situation to you, but second baby, moved house, MIL insisted (/blackmailed my DH) into having her and FIL ( they’re divorced) for Christmas. It was also first year after my dad had died. It was hell, she criticised our cooking, started somewhere else but banged on the door at 8am wanting breakfast despite me leaving a hamper for them at air b n b. FIL was gracious to come over later. My mum and sisters tried to help and have us all for Boxing Day meal, MIL was so awful made one sister cry. It took me years to deal with it, have no relationship with the woman now. Caused a lot of issues for me and DH. Try and be strong now it will pay off in the long run.

Don't understand all the people calling you unreasonable, they must be doormats. Your OH is a git for calling you selfish, and MIL is cheeky as hell to invite herself when everything is so up in the air. They should be pandering to you,not stressing you out..and why should your parents have to deal with her when they're not close. If she was planning to come to yours to cook and look after you, it would be different.

I can’t believe your MIL is so bloody dense to invite herself to your house. I agree with everything you have said on here OP. You need to keep reiterating ‘count us out of any formal plans this year - who knows where we’ll be’.

YANBU. This is the kind of thing that can cause loads of unnecessary stress in your final weeks of pregnancy so you need to nip it in the bud ASAP and reduce the amount of conversations with your dh about it. I would feel EXACTLY the same as you. It’s a stress you don’t need and it sounds like for you this year Christmas needs to be left totally open and without any obligations. Be really clear with you dh about how you are feeling and ask for his support. MIL clearly has other options. And Postpartum weeks are not the time for people pleasing (I am a total people pleaser the rest of the year but not the couple of weeks after my babies).

I think it's nice to spend Xmas with your extended family the grandmother of your child. Depends on how she is if course and whether she's helpful, but assuming she's not going to want a service, this might bond you. Why not give her a chance, spend it all together including your parents. After I had children I really understood the importance of grandparents and the precious time our kids have left with them.

I'm surprised by how many people are telling you that it's not a big deal or just get on with it basically. I think it's a very difficult one. My first born was lockdown so not much of a problem but with my second born I limited visitors in the first couple of weeks. I was glad that I did it as I feel you need the recovery time especially if breastfeeding however it was not Christmas BUT this doesn't matter. It is YOUR choice and do not feel any guilt or stress because of it.

Dh has no idea what you will do through in labour, if he is decent he will be in awe of you afterwards and will do whatever you want him to do..

I think having your mil go to your parents and then home is the most sensible thing as much as it won't be your ideal Xmas day, she is still you dh's mum. If you can see one set of parents should probably make the same effort for both...

Also as a mother of 2 I would say do not go anywhere if you do not feel up to it. If you are a few days postpartum that is very soon. Xmas is one day, seriously the pressure we put ourselves under to get up and dressed and ready. Just stay at home in your PJs, get dh to collect a dinner or even better have your parents drop one off and spend the day eating and tending to baby. It is extremely stressful leaving the house with a new baby especially if you don't want it..

I don't know if you get on with your MiL, the cynic is me is saying is she just doing this because she doesn't want you to have the Xmas day you want? If so then absolutely tell her no.

Tbh best case scenario you are still in hospital after having baby and you and dh can spend the day in there unapologetically 😊

Last thing- this seems like the biggest deal ever now but once it's passed it won't seem as important. I know from experience x

I think you're being sensible. Your DH needs to follow your lead too and your MIL can do one.

I'd say no. Loose arrangements only, assume for now my home won't be open to visitors, maybe next year....

Yanbu.

I'm baffled by your height statistically though? What does that mean lol?

I think this is slightly different than their usual family Christmas, given she’ll be bleeding, torn, exhausted, attempting to breastfeed, possibly weeping at nothing, probably needs the support of her own mumma (if she even decides to and even then she’s only committing to a few hours to be fed)! Her MIL can have next year!

YANBU at all. As you say, who knows what state you'll be in on the day so it makes sense to keep plans fluid. Tempting to tell DH that if he insists on putting his mother's self centred wants over your needs as a first time mum, he can fuck off and spend Christmas on his own with her. The pair of them sound selfish.

It's probably already been suggested but you might be best off going to your mum's while your DH looks after your MIL.

Sort it out soon. My partner's father told me to shut up earlier because I called my DP in for lunch as it was getting cold.

I'm still seething. The resentment that sets in will eat you alive.

OP already said her parents barely know her MIL, what if they don't want an almost stranger at their home on Christmas?

I think some people don't get that for a lot of people being an 'in law' is a technicality and you're not necessarily that close...you're not actually family members in the same way you are with your own family. I would never want to be suppressing pain around my in laws, nor would I want to lie around in my pjs not dressed or washed in front of them if I wasn't feeling well or was knackered, and I'd be too polite to say 'I'm exhausted so we're leaving now' to them. But any of these things would obviously be fine in front of my own parents.

I think that OP and hubby need to tell everyone that they are not making any plans whatsoever and waiting to see how they feel when the time comes.

I thought the same! That MIL is thinking that, if OP is in labor, she will get to be at the hospital and force her way into the middle of everything.

MIL should never have asked her DS about visiting on Christmas. She should have asked instead, "Let me know when the baby arrives! I'll be on pins and needles. Then, let me know when your DW feels up to a visit. I hope I can see you all during the holidays, but understand that everything is in flux until the wee one is born. Give your DW my love and tell her i am thinking of her."

THAT is how an adult handles a situation like a birth/surgery/illness during the holiday season.

I really can’t believe how many people here have given NO consideration to the fact you could be just a few days post partum. Those first few weeks were the hardest of my life, and it is completely different as a post partum woman being around your own family than your partner’s! The people disagreeing with you are probably just some mums of sons who worry more about competing with the other grandparents than their future daughter in law’s wellbeing.

What part of the OP may be in hospital giving birth, may be poorly after giving birth, so wants to commit to NOTHING regarding Xmas Day didn't you understand??????

🙄