Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

I was expecting this to be another the world has to stop because I have given birth, no one must come within 3 metres of my PFB without 3 months advanced booking type thread but actually you are completely reasonable and no one with the slightest bit of consideration for you would be putting you in the position you find yourself. I suggest you do what’s right for you and baby and don’t waste your time on anyone who doesn’t agree with this principle. If she had nowhere else to go that would be different but as it is I would say a firm no, especially with the pressure of it being Xmas day…. and I say this as someone who’s happily hosted family in the early post partum days with most of my babies, you just don’t know in advance how much you will be up to so I never commit to anything I might regret.

Oh behave, I have no mum, but if I did I would t want to be sat around leaking blood and milk in her presence on day 1 - and neither would she want me to have to host guests on that day!

YANBU.

Oh I'm so pleased he understood - and I bet you feel so much better getting that sorted! Wishing you a safe delivery and a brilliant Christmas op. If you get a chance (and feel like it) I'm sure many of us on here would love to hear back from you once it's all happened!

Best of luck to you x

DS1 was due about 8th January. I was very low emotionally_ had a period of about 3 weeks where I felt bizarrely angry at DH for nothing. Anyway, it all seemed to improve about 23rd Dec and we had already told his parents (mine are both dead) that we were having the whole of Christmas at home alone because we wanted one Christmas to ourselves, we weren't sure how I would be feeling (and they lived 2 hours away in the car), and I might be giving birth or just have given birth.
They were lovely, really supportive and said just do whatever you feel comfortable doing.
DS1 started to arrive on 27th December and arrived early on 28th, in hospital in Newcastle.
PIL, bless them, came up by train for two hours that afternoon, saw him, brought us and M and S picnic and went back home. We took him home the next day and spent the next 3 weeks just getting to know him and learning how to manage a baby.
There was no fuss or drama - it's the last thing we needed. PIL came up the last weekend of DH's paternity leave and stayed overnight.

I think your MIL should have been more sensitive and not asked to come on Christmas Day . Your DH should have bern firm with her. But it all sounds like there's a bit of drama about it all. Perhaps you'd have been better just saying you were staying at home alone and none of this 'I might do this or that, I don't know, just depends'. People like plans and certainty about Christmas.

You’d both be wrong as OP has already said she isn’t hosting- she’s going to her mum’s.

Great news. Well done @Kirstymwh

This is your 1st time being a mum.and it is all very daunting and totally understand that you don't want to commit to anything, especiallya whole day with MIL at yours, when you can'thelp but feel you need to entertain. Having the option to go to your parents and not have to do anything is a great idea. I would suggest that you call MIL and explain exactly how you feel, she has been a mum and will understand. Tell her you can't wait for her to meet baby when you are ready to reassure her that you want her involved and you focus on you and baby when they arrive x

yay so happy for you! hope you have the most amazing birth and christmas.

One day OP, you will read your post here and laugh at how over the top it is. I say that not wanting to upset you but honestly! Anyone can make a list of hyperbolic possible scenarios they may or may not be experiencing for dramatic effect. You'll giggle at it when you look back at it in 8 weeks time.

Honestly I had my first on the 18th of December (due on Christmas Day) and MIL came down the day I got out of hospital at 8.30pm from a C-section and expected me to get Chinese in for everyone, she then appeared unannounced on Christmas morning while we were just laying about, we had zero plans to celebrate as DD1 was a week old and breastfeeding like crazy.

She came for Christmas after DD2 and she was born in the summer and it was still to stressful so when I had DS last winter I straight up told DH I do not want her here for Christmas as it’s honestly too much, apart from being sore, having kids and dealing with scheduling meals around when other people like their Christmas dinner instead of when I feel like it’s just an inconvenience. Zero issues with any other day of the year but I think both sets of grandparents should know a visit on Christmas just an added bonus and isn’t set in stone once you have a family of your own.

Seriously??? Get over yourself! My first 2 births were incredibly traumatic. Presumably yours were not! Good for you. In 1900 child birth was the number one killer of women. In 2023 that figure is far lower, but much higher than most individuals realise. It's not called labour for no reason!!!! It still claims far too many babies/women than many would realise. That the OP is looking to create a cocoon for herself - bloody good on her. It's her only opportunity to do so because when the 2nd comes along that's no longer possible. BUT before you start to say that's the point I found my first absolutely the most frightening thing ever. I had massive PND but didn't realise. I honestly thought I'd have a baby and could continue as normal. I champion who realise that's not the case. So erm, get over yourself - you are not the rule!

Another one who clearly hasn't read or understood my OP. Why bother commenting if you can't be bothered to read and understand.

Hi @Kirstymwh - YANBU.

I would feel exactly the same. I think the fact she has even asked to spend Xmas day with you is wrong tbh. I understand she might want to spend some time with you all and the baby but I really think she is only thinking of herself here.

The best thing everyone can do is just leave you to it and let you and your DH decide what works for you on the day, because - like you said - your plans might change that morning.

my only advice would be try not to make it into a big deal with the DH or MIL. Just keep calm and tell them it really doesn’t make any sense and you don’t want the pressure of having any plans at all. It’s a big deal right now - but you don’t want this to ruin/overshadow relationships forever.

also to those who think it would be fine for MIL to just rock up to Xmas at DPs…. I wish I had a family like that. My in laws and DPs would absolutely hate to spend Xmas together. Sad but true.

I had no one visit for the first 2 weeks post birth. I had no idea how i was going to be, and i wanted to get a grip on how to look after my first child because i had no idea how newborns could be.
Turns out i made the right decision. I had a traumatic experience giving birth and im someone who needs the quiet and no people around when im anxious.
Do what works for you. If your husband is willing to argue with you and cause distress while pregnant because he cant understand women change post birth and CANNOT be the same afterwards and priorities change, then im not surprised he cant handle what youre saying. He should have bags more sympathy and i wouldnt be surprised if you dont want to go anywhere on christmas day. You'll be shattered. You need rest and others need to be respectful.

You are not being unreasonable. There is a chance you may even be giving birth on Christmas day. The last thing you need is to be worrying about entertaining people at Christmas. You need flexibility this year so you can cancel plans/sleep/feed/do whatever as and when you need to. Stand your ground.

Why would her parents want her MIL staying with them over Christmas? Very nice if they all happen to get on wonderfully, but that seems unlikely? Having someone stay in your house over Christmas is generally considered quite a big deal.

You're not unreasonable or dramatic OP. It's only sensible to plan for the worst case scenario when it's Christmas day and will be agg to let people down etc. If all goes smoothly then happy days, I'm sure you'll be able to sort something out on the day - if not, then you haven't got the additional stress of cancelling plans etc. Anyone suggesting you do otherwise is frankly a fool.

People saying yabu are INSANE! Your husband is being a knob. You are firmly in the right, don’t make any plans that put any burden on you for at least a month after D day (and I say this as someone who had uncomplicated births and was trying wedding dresses on 7 days post partum!).

OP, you are absolutely right. There is literally zero point in he making plans.with you when you may not be able to fulfill them. If she really doesn't want to be alone ton christmas she needs to make alternative plans for Xmas day. Then once baby arrives she can arrange to come see you guys and baby.

Best of luck with the rest of the pregnancy!

Hope she saw sense and accepted your proposal. I’m totally with you. You want to be comfortable in your own home just after giving birth, not having essentially a stranger around you for a whole day just because it happens to be Xmas. Your husband was inconsiderate to say yes without consulting you. After all it won’t be him giving birth!! Hope he’s apologised profusely. It was his mother who was being selfish not you. Mine accused me of breastfeeding to keep my daughter away from others! Hopefully yours is not as extreme!

Your poor MIL
im worried to become one in the future because of those daughters in law like you
she is your family ffs she is a grandma to your child
some grandchildren don’t even have one granny

Can she just come for an hour or so late afternoon? I do understand why she'd want to see her grandchild on his/her first Christmas. Especially as your child's other grandparents are see them.

It's such a hard time for you to plan though, as you don't know how you'll be after the birth. I was perfectly fine after mine and was able to drive to the hospital 15 miles away for my midwife check up 2 days later. I did give birth a week early though. I never knew your height played a part. I'm 5ft8.

Don't be an entitled dick towards your future DIL and I'm sure you'll be fine, nothing to worry about 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely this. Well said @Backagain23