Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

I’m with you and think your dh is being unreasonable.

we had our first baby a couple of weeks before Christmas and family put us under so much pressure to see everyone, it just left me very emotional and our little one had a grizzly day and we ended up being over an hour late for dinner, keeping everyone waiting.

it was such a stressful day and I wish we had just not made any plans and just suited ourselves!

She also doesn't say she's 'committed' to seeing her parents. She's said they may not even make it round there, depending on what's happening.

She might be in hospital giving birth!

I think you should spin it that there is a chance you might still be in hospital having or just had the baby and that you won't be home to have her at all on Christmas Day. So, best for her to make alternative plans rather than end up having to stay home on her own.

Yes saying she can possibly come around for a couple of hours on Boxing Day is quite reasonable

But that's you? Surely you appreciate that not everyone is the same?

Personally I'd have hated being surrounded by people with my first, and only wanted my husband and my mum. Surely as the one that's carried the baby for nine months, and then been through labour and birth, @Kirstymwh 's needs 'trump' her husband's and her MIL's?

The entitlement of MIL’s pisses me off! I hate mine so my opinions are biased! However I have one child and would not be wanting anyone to mine over Xmas just after a baby. It’s one day, you’ve offered Boxing Day. Stick to your guns.

I gave birth on a Sunday by EMCS was home Wednesday and back at the hospital Thursday on the cardiac unit for Ds. Not everything goes to plan. My sister had postpartum haemorrhage and stayed in for a few days with a blood transfusion, even when home she was completely wiped out.

OP is a first time Mum, she has no idea how she will feel, emotionally, physically and mentally. This is why you don't confirm anything until you know how you are feeling. She has offered to have her MIL visit on Boxing day, she isn't refusing to let her see the baby once he is born.

You are not selfish @Kirstymwh you are being very sensible.

YANBU and your husband is being a dick.

You have no idea how you will be feeling or whether you will even be out of hospital. You need total freedom to decide how much you feel up to on the day.

Your husband has some fucking audacity to call YOU selfish for not immediately agreeing to host his mother when you’re 7 days PP!

Ok, fine - everything obviously has a big "unless we're in hospital" asterisk, which obviously is fair enough. But do you really think there's any chance they won't be at OP's mum's house for Christmas dinner if they're home?

Can I ask if there are cultural factors involved here? Or are you all the same ethnicity and nationality?

Potentially, yes. If she has a difficult birth, she may not want to go anywhere. The point is, she doesn't know how she'll feel or where she'll be, so can't commit to anything.

I think there's some leftover caveman instinct to keep others away after birth but in this day and age it's less likely that the newborn is in danger. You have to get in touch with your rational brain, look into the future to when your kid gets so excited to see grandma that they run down the street with no shoes on. Is this woman going to be a kind grandmother to your child? If yes, the yabu - your hormones are ruling, jealousy rules but it really it makes no difference. If she's going to be an awful grandmother then yanbu. Start as you mean to go on.
I felt the same way for no 1, but it really was misplaced and whilst it flared up a little bit for no 2. it was more upsetting when pils couldn't be around for number 3. Then covid hit and they didn't meet him for months. It was awful.

Can you not compromise and say you can't plan to have your MIL on Christmas Day due to the uncertainty of the situation, but if you have had the baby and are seeing your parents, MIL could pop over to yours/pop into hospital to see you all for an hour or so. I'm sure she will want to see her DS and new grandchild if your parents are seeing you. I wouldn't let her miss out if you do see your family and I don't think it's fair on your DH.

Everyone will want to see the baby and congratulate you, it’ll be a very special time that people want to share. Yes you’ll be sore, feeding and bleeding, but it can still be special and a positive time.

Yes, a very special time for everyone else whilst forgetting that the mother is human, has just been through one of the most physically and mentally difficult things a human can go through. It still seems the idea of a new baby is for everyone else and the woman’s existence cease to matter once she’s ‘done her job’, that the recovery is something that can be put aside for such a ‘special family time’. It’s ridiculously selfish to pressure a (very) new mum into giving her recovery time up for the wants and needs of others.

In front of your mum and dad and the people coming from abroad, but not your MIL?

You are being very blind to the fact that you're treating your parents differently from MIL.

And on it goes. There will be more threads from you along this line in the future as you treat your parents as grandparents and your MIL as not even family.

All family dynamics are different. Some people enjoy being surrounded by family, others might not. The fact is OP has said she hasn’t got any firm plans because she has no idea what is going to even be happening so isn’t wanting her mother in law left with no one to spend Christmas Day with which I totally get. It’s just an additional stress at a time when she doesn’t need it.
OP you need to do what’s right for you. You’ll get a mix of opinions on here depending on what’s happened to people in the past. I’d feel more comfortable around my parents if I was emotional, tired etc so it’s understandable you’d be ok going there. Hope you manage to find a solution as stress free as possible.

Just thinking back to when our first was born, I'd had an EMCS, struggling with getting breastfeeding established etc, certainly didn't have the rush of love for the baby.

DH did though, he was so full of love and pride for that little bundle, I think he would have happily taken an ad on national television to announce her birth and show her off. It would have been so cruel to deny him the chance to share that love with his parents, who are wonderful grandparents.

Eldest is 5 now, when she was born she had 4 living, healthy grandparents and already that is no longer the case. We have such lovely memories from those early days. No one will expect any more from the new mum than to sit on the sofa eating biscuits. Lean into the extended family love thing.

I’m with you OP. Literally with you. I’m due on the 14th with number 2 and I’ve refused to make any plans this year. We are getting M&S pre prepared everything and staying put unless we feel like popping into anyone’s for a mince pie (where we have been told we are welcome to do so).

If this is your first, DH will likely change his tune after you’ve had the baby. Mine was also a bit like this before the baby when I expressed feeling overwhelmed but once the baby arrived, he also wanted people to eff off and leave us alone.

This Xmas, you have every right to prioritise yourself. You don’t also need to be responsible for other adults.

I literally said in my original post that I said to DH to tell her she was welcome to come to ours for a few hours on boxing day assuming I've had the baby and am not in hospital. Literally one day later than Xmas day. I'm not refusing her to come and see the baby, I just don't want to make any plans for Xmas day itself because there is too much up in the air to be able to do that.

Sorry, but it’s your DH’s baby too and if you are making loose plans to visit your parents for lunch on Christmas Day you should also make loose plans to see your MIL on the morning as well (obviously depending whether you feel up to it). I think inviting her instead on Boxing Day is going to make zero difference in terms of your recovery and will make her feel deliberately excluded and second best. Remember that you may be a MIL yourself one day.

If your parents are happy to host for one more then that's great. Unless she's been awful in the past, include her rather than excluding her.

Honestly, I feel sorry for your MIL. I have sons and I'd hate to be treated like this. Our baby was born Xmas week. Everyone brought xmas lunch to ours. All lived couple of hours away. It didn't have to be perfect. We had a joyful day. I got to rest and family played with my other children.
You need to chill a bit.

What’s the difference between Christmas Day and Boxing Day? You say yourself it’s only one day apart, so why can’t you say the same ‘we’ll see’ for Christmas?

I would hate the pressure of not knowing my own plans and feeling responsible for someone else's christmas day.

This^^

Op is not excluding anyone. She's saying 'I don't really know how I'll feel - we may pop up to mum's for an hour or two, but if I don't feel up to it I won't'

The minute another person is included the op can't just focus on her own recovery- she now has to factor in the needs of someone else and that's precisely what she's trying to avoid!
I would absolutely just want the option of just being able to flake out on the sofa if I needed to.

Mil can come over on Boxing Day and naje get own arrangements for Christmas Day.

And you're allowed to be bloody selfish when you've just pushed a person through your foo (or had them cut out of the sunroof)!

Your Mil and dh are the selfish ones here

Lovely new baby at Christmas, wonderful. Just remember though that one day you will be the MIL and your son's partner may not want to include you. Your DH would like his mum involved would it hurt so very much to have her visit for a few hours? She is as much a grandma and your mum.