Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

It's ridiculous to suggest she goes round to your parents for Christmas. In what works Is that even normal. She has family of her own she can go there. I was 41+3, that's the average for a first baby so you might even be in hospital or giving birth on Christmas day.

Your husband can tell her you are not having visitors on Christmas day. You might be only 1 day post partum in which case your baby will be cluster feeding to get the milk in and you will have to be lying down as much as possible to save your pelvic floor so you aren't pissing yourself forever. So it might end up that your parents might bring you some Christmas dinner in Tupperware for you to enjoy at home while resting. The first few days post birth I had a baggy shirt on which was open all the time with my boobs hangin out and the baby was on them pretty much 24/7.

So it's just not appropriate for your your mil to go round. Also like you said.. you aren't hosting! If your husband disagrees then tell him if he ever has surgery on his testicles, not to worry because you will make sure your Mother will be round straight away after to sit right near him and make him host all day. And he can change his testicle bandages discretely in the room, she won't mind. He is selfish if he doesn't agree.

As someone who had a baby on 22nd December, went to inlaws on xmas day for a few hours and ended up having a breakdown in the downstairs loo until I was bundled out of the house to go home (couldn't cope with the noise) I'd say sack it all off and stay home.

I’d explain to her and your DP that you can’t make any firm plans, babies come when they are ready - you might still be in hospital. Suggest they all make their own plans for Christmas Day.
Get husband to buy a small stock of Christmas food treats - mince pies, chocolates etc and IF you are home, and IF you are feeling up to it she could pop in for a coffee/drink and see the new grandchild.

Sorry i pressed the wrong voting button. Yanbu, tell her no. Be that blunt, don't worry about her feelings as she hasn't worried about yours.

Does she drive and can she go home or stay in a hotel so she can move independently. Your DH has no idea what the first few weeks postpartum are like for you or for him. If she will needs lifts and/or to stay, hang firm and say no. You want an easy peasy day, just to pop for lunch and have no pressure or expectations on you.

My parents would be fine with that actually, but who knows if the OP will even be up to going?

@Kirstymwh it is very clear that you don't want her there on Christmas Day so just own it. There is no need to come on here to find others to support you if you feel that way. The fact that you have suggests that underneath you think you are being a little bit unkind.

FFS not wanting to commit to hosting your MIL (who will want to be waited on hand and foot) when you're recovering from giving birth is not "bending over backwards to exclude her."

I really don't understand why Mumsnet hates DILs so much, and thinks MILs should run the world and get to treat new mums like slaves with no rights or feelings of their own.

It's not the point is it, her mum is 10 minutes away and they already made loose plans. The DH is a dick and is going to end up upsetting everyone.

I don't know, just some ideas. As you may be able to tell, I am a mum of boys.

What does that mean in this context?

My own baby was born early December last year… MIL and FIL were very pushy about seeing us and to know our Christmas Day plans. We were very strict and said we couldn’t host and wouldn’t be going in the car due to a limit of time in the car seat and so they came to us for a couple of hours christens day afternoon for Christmas cake and a hot drink. It was lovely….but then they came back a few days later with BIL and SIL and baby cluster fed all day so that was pretty awkward on me.

Your Husband doesn’t want to upset his mum as it’s all new for him as well and he doesn’t know he needs to put you and baby first now. If he doesn’t say something call your MIL and explain that you’re feeling a little nervous about the whole thing and suggest times/days you can and would like to see her.

The whole “it’s her grandchild” phrase needs to do one…it’s your child first and foremost and your health too!

Just make plans for boxing day. They can come to you for 12 and instruct them to bring food for you all. You and baby can nip off for a nap an hour later. You may well still be pregnant at that point anyway so let them know that it will all depend on the situation at hand. If you've had baby then you may well still be in hospital anyway.

I was due around a week after you last year with my second and had no Christmas dinner / Boxing Day plans and I'd made this very clear. As it happened, I went into labour at 38 weeks anyway.

It's absolutely your right to have whatever visitors you choose with a new baby but be gentle with her. She just wants to fuss over her grandchild at Christmas.

Op YANBU and I really feel for you. No way can she visit. You will either be in the early days of new motherhood, which are amazing but trying, and your sole focus should be on bonding with baby and resting for your recovery. I was sitting around topless and didn’t want anything or anyone taking my time or energy. Or you’ll not have given birth yet, in which case you really need to rest as much as possible and conserve your energy so you’re ready as much as possible for Labour and birth. Maybe explaining this all to your husband will help? Good luck and don’t back down xx

You are being selfish. Both grans or neither is the only fair thing.

@TurquoiseMermaid luckily not everyone in the world thinks like you and would extend some kindness to others around them. You are entitled to be like that but you also need to be aware that others are not and would be more open.

But I think you should be committing to seeing her given you're committing to seeing your parents. Let her call round for coffee and a bun on Christmas morning so she can have a cuddle with her new grandchild. "Maybe we can see you on boxing Day depending on how we're feeling" is just mean. At the very least, commit to that.

OP shouldn't have to commit to anything! That's her entire point! She can't realistically commit as she might still be in hospital, she might be in labour, she might be recovering from a difficult birth. Hence why OP has NOT commited to going to her parents, she has said they MIGHT pop round to her parents IF she is not in labour/in hospital/feeling too unwell. But she can't keep things flexible if her parents are also expected to host MIL, who they barely know, as OP then becomes responsible for her.

It is absolutely not "mean" to resist making firm plans when you're due to give birth at any time, in fact it's perfectly sensible.

I don't think OP is being selfish at all, but even if she was, if you can't be just a tiny bit selfish when you've just pushed a small human out of your vagina or undergone major surgery then when can you??

I strongly suspect that OP knows even if she is recovering from a difficult birth, in pain, exhausted and getting to grips with breastfeeding and says she just can't face going out, she will be pressured by her DH to go to her parents house for Christmas Dinner purely because if she doesn't MIL will have nowhere to go.

Your DH thinks this is selfish? He doesn't sound as though he's worked out what having a small baby is going to involve. I think you need to have a serious chat with him about his priorities. At Christmas you'll probably have just given birth, you'll definitely be exhausted, you'll be concentrating on your baby. You'll have every right to be as 'selfish' as you want.

If you're due the 14th theres a reasonable chance you'll be in labour on christmas day. If it was my MIL I'd call and explain. Obviously this is your DH's doing so most would say he should sort it. But for fear of the communications being confused and him blaming you, him not fully explaining it and leaving anything open to interpretation etc. I'd call myself. My parents would be falling over themselves to help in this situation and would leave an open invitation to MIL as well. Maybe chat to your parents about it.

Any woman would understand this. She should too. She probably just wants to see her grandchild on their first christmas. Despite the fact it'll mean nothing to them and will just feel like any other day to you its the fear of missing out. Keep your plans fluid and suggest MIL does the same. You'll have women on here telling you they cooked a 10 course dinner the day after giving birth and for some women that's the case. It was for me even after a c section within a week or so i was out and about walking and being fairly 'normal' and would have happily cooked a christmas dinner. But for alot of women this isnt the case. But you simply don't know how you're going to feel till it happens or whats going to happen in general.

As for your DH well others have summed it up well. He's being a bit of a dick for calling you selfish. You get to be selfish when it comes to pregnancy and choices like this! Good luck.

I’m surprised at the suggestions that your MIL should go to or accompany you to your parents when they haven’t invited her and haven’t even been asked if it’s okay. Your husband has made a mistake. He should have said that you can’t plan anything as you don’t know when the baby will arrive. Your MIL has other family and you haven’t said that you intend to stop her from popping over to see the baby just not on Christmas Day.

Hugs this sounds stressful. I would tell dh his mum is going to end up missing out on a Christmas Day as she can’t come to your parents. Make sure he knows he will be sitting at home with her and hosting her on his own.

Absolutely not. What new mum wants only, end of.

It's not difficult op, but as we know this is MN where women must routinely sacrifice any need for self care at the altar of just about everyone else - and especially the mighty penis owners!

Your dh has no idea of what's to come but is happily giving away your time and energy on your behalf? Fuck that noise!

It's ridiculous to suggest she goes round to your parents for Christmas. In what works Is that even normal.

It happens in lots of families, including mine on occasion. We have parents that live internationally, and they are always welcome at the inlaws for Christmas if that's where we'll be.

Why are people so mean ?

Christmas hosting and having a newborn that ‘must be shared’ at the same time - really brings out a clusterfuck of misogyny doesn’t it? Women, due your duty. You’ve had a baby, your needs and self care doesn’t matter anymore, everyone else comes first.

It means that usually it is the daughter in law who dictates the amount of contact.