Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

I opened this thread thinking you wouldn't be being unreasonable but with this particular scenario, I don't see why mil can't come for ONE Christmas. She's not done anything wrong by asking and imagine knowing you're with your family, having a jolly time together but she's not allowed? It's unfair.

Had you said you were having a quiet Christmas at home with JUST DH and baby, I would've understood. But it's a bit cruel really.

Have you considered therapy? 20 years ago..

Melodramatic much?! The MIL isn't being cut out! She normally has a big Xmas in a cottage in the countryside with her other DC and their dad but has asked to spend it with OP, who is saying it's not practical because a) she might be in hospital or b) she might be popping to her parents for lunch, as they are hosting this year. MIL has an alternative option.

have some thought for your dh and your mil @Kirstymwh
i am sure she also wants to be involved in her grandchild

The issue is you’re contradicting yourself. All that applies on Xmas day should apply on Boxing Day. If they can come for a few hours on Boxing Day why not Xmas day etc.

Just say “we cannot commit to anything.”

and leave it at that.

She has two other children she could spend it with. I already know her daughter invited her to spend it with her and her husband but she apparently isn't overly keen because they live further away. Her son is single and could spend it with her no problem. She has plenty of options

"Completely hypothetically, in 30 years you might be in a situation where you can't drag a woman who has just gone through labour out of bed and bully her into waiting on you" really isn't the win you think it is.

Whenever anyone complains about pushy MILs the response is always the same, you won't might have a DIL one day!! Yeah as long as OP isn't a massive twat who treats women as slaves that won't be a problem?

Only on MN, MILs can do no wrong, and women only exist to be walking uteruses and slaves and are "mean" if they want to take even a single day after pushing a person out of their body to rest.

I’m with you OP. Did she know it was your parents hosting when she invited herself? Rude to do so really! Why does she have to spend it with your DH if she has 2 other children she could go to? It isn’t unreasonable to want to recover in peace after birth, Christmas or not! I’m sorry your husband wasn’t more understanding of your needs.

This

You can magically have her round for a few hours on Boxing Day but not Christmas? What kind of difference do you think 24 hours will make? Your breastfeeding argument fails on that one.

You currently have no plans, other than to 'maybe' go to your parents for a couple of hours. It's Christmas and she's excited to be a grandma, just like your family. Your family's dynamic is already going to change with you and a newborn ... I think you could all be a bit more welcoming.

Your DH is right.

lso she has a tendency to never sit sit and constantly fuss over things which is exactly what I DONT want in the immediate aftermath of birth.

what on earth do you mean?

If you go to 41 weeks you may still be in hospital.

And all the posters just shrugging and going "just invite her to your parents!" - really, would your own parents be happy if you invited a random near-stranger to be hosted by them on Christmas Day without asking them?

Exactly.

OP is bending over backwards to exclude her on Christmas for a few hours but it's magically 'ok' to see her the following day. When she has no firm plans herself.

I'm normally in favour of making accomodations for family. But in this case I think YANBU - you can't really predict where you will stand this Christmas, and she should make plans with one of her other children (and they should accommodate this because they are not giving birth over Christmas).

It may be that you give birth a week early and would be fine with visitors on Christmas day, but you don't know that. The situation is not within your control so it makes sense not to commit yourself.

Never sit still I think it's meant to be

Why can't she see you for a few hours on Christmas day morning, then arrange to go somewhere else for dinner? Surly, all the problems with breastfeeding, bleeding, and tiredness will all still be there on boxing day. If you had had the baby by then, she would probably just want a cuddle on their 1st Christmas. With dc 1, my waters broke 1.5 weeks before Christmas. He was born until 2 days after Christmas. That Christmas, I had my family down ( they lived an hour away then). We went out for lunch, and we visited my inlaws in the morning. Everyone was aware the plans may change at the last minute. I do understand the dynamics part, but that said, it may be a great time for your families to merge. My dc love their grandparents on both sides equally. The dc want both sets of grandparents at their birthday parties, etc. The relationship between my parents in laws and has developed over the last 12 + years, and we all enjoy each others company. Maybe your mil coming for lunch with you as a loose arrangement could be the start of a new relationship? I don't know, just some ideas. As you may be able to tell, I am a mum of boys.

Do you often struggle with English comprehension?

I am totally with you on this.
You absolutely do not want your MIL round for the entire day on your first Xmas with a baby.
It's a time where you need to be getting used to such a massive change in your life and you don't need the extra stress.

Grandkids tend to send MIL's loopy (not always I know!!), but suddenly they want to tell you exactly how to look after your baby, tell you what you are doing wrong and generally try to take over. She should know already that you will feel all over the place after having a baby & it's just added stress for you.

Put your foot down this year. She can always come for the day another year! Sounds like she's just forgotten how hard it is and is just really excited and wants to spend the day with new grandkid.

Honestly, some of these responses are batshit - and clearly written by MILs. Usually on MN the wisdom is it's okay to alternate Xmas with both families, but this year OP is being told she's U and selfish not to accommodate both sides on the same day when she'll be only a couple of weeks, if that, post-partum? MIL is being offered Boxing Day this year. Next year she can have Xmas Day – which, frankly, will be more entertaining as baby will be a year old. Plus OP's sibling is back in the UK for the first time in years - why shouldn't she prioritise them too? It might be years before she sees them at Xmas again.

it does cut it. I’m spending Christmas alone this year. Kids are with their dad (quite right to take turns, we both love our children and want to spend big days with them!), my mother is dead, my family are scattered miles and miles away. I’m doing ‘Christmas Day’ on Christmas Eve - we’re going to have an absolutely fab family time. The date really doesn’t matter at all, it’s about making the best of the season as it’s meant to be celebrated. And Christmas Day itself, I will not be bloody miserable and self pitying because life isn’t always what you expected. As long as you have connections with family, that is what matters.

Why is this wholly on the op and her family to be guilted over? Not one mention of the op’s other children…

absolutely

For a start your DH has no right to invite her to someone else's house at Christmas! That's the host's prerogative. And secondly, being your first you're very likely to be in slow labour/in labour or possibly in hospital or with a days old newborn on Christmas day. She really needs to make other plans or she is likely to be on her own.

Right. So if we make "loose plans" to see her just in the morning, then what does she do for the rest of the day? She's on her own again. Or if we are in hospital because I'm in labour or had complications, again she is on her own. I don't want her to potentially be on her own for Xmas day - I'm actually THINKING of her when I say it doesn't make sense to try and include her on Xmas day when we have no idea if I will or won't have had the baby or what state we will be in. She has her own family she can happily make firm plans with this Christmas. Why is that so difficult for some people to comprehend?!?!

But she's NOT committing to seeing her parents, and she doesn't even know if the baby will have arrived at that point.... Honestly what is it about simple reading that's too hard for some people?

MIL knows you will have your hands full with a new born. Why should your parents host her? She's not helpless, why didn't she see this coming and ask you to come to her for a couple of hours? Why can't she host you?