To not plate my 10 year old's pizza?

[Mastmw7g]

DH does most of the cooking and tends to cater to DD. I've become concerned that she will not eat when hungry unless he puts food in front of her. He was out and we had pizza. She told me she didn't see her plate. I said to then grab a plate and join me. She said no and went to her room without eating. DH came home and became upset that she hadn't eaten and said I should have put her pizza on a plate for her.

I find this an odd post.

I'd never cook dinner and not dish it up for whoever I was cooking for.

Buffets usually have plates and cutlery available for people to help themselves. Or do you have to get your own?

Regardless it’s fairly evident the OP does the bare minimum practically and emotionally.

trampoline123 · Today 10:40
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I find this an odd post.
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I'd never cook dinner and not dish it up for whoever I was cooking”

Indeed. All that needs saying, really. Some very strange attitudes on this thread.

@Hibiscrubbed please stop referring to OP's dd as a spoilt princess, it's horrible and sexist. Only a grown up with some personality issues would take delight in passive aggressively putting down a 10 year old girl who went to be hungry. It's the OP who has massive issues, not her young dd.

OP is making a big fat drama out of her dd not eating a slice of frozen pizza. She is thriving on getting all this validation for her inefficient and cold parenting from other posters. That's the reason she posted, to get validation, not to get help parent her dd better.

But @Hibiscrubbed you go on calling OP's dd a spoilt brat it says so much more about you than the dd. How grown ups can act so spiteful to children, I will never understand. I hope the dad continues taking care of his dd's needs so she has a fighting chance to develop into a healthy and happy adult.

I've only read the OP's posts but I'm surprised more people have voted YANBU.

Why wouldn't you just hand the plates out when you got yours?

Honestly, it sounds like the kind of shit my ex husband would do with our Autistic Teenager.

He can't cut his own food for various disability related reasons, so i cut his food.
Apparently ExH arbitrarily decided the other day that he wasn't doing it any more and DS needed to cut his own (Even though he isn't capable) and DS went hungry because he couldn't eat his food.

It's abusive, and it does nothing other than leave your child hungry, which is neglectful. As a parent, your job is to feed your child, and if they need it cutting up, or putting physically on a plate on the table for them to do so, you do it.

What?

Just bloody plate up food for each person on the kitchen counter, and bring it to the table. Or plate it up at the table, where everyone should be sitting already. Whatever.

It's only the sodding basics of eating properly. Why is that too hard?

Don't make things difficult for your kids. There's are good reasons why it's standard to eat together, at the table, with a plate set out for each person.

I'm sorry but I don't really understand this. When I cook dinner I put dinner on plates for all four of us - myself, DDs 4 and 1, and DH 47

I then carry two of the plates to the dining room, DH will then usually come and get the other ones to save me another trip to the kitchen, and then we all eat together as a family

I can't fathom thinking "my 10yo won't put her own dinner on a plate so rather than plate it like I just did for myself I'll leave her to go hungry"

Respectfully what is THAT about!?

Abuse?! How sheltered is your world experience if you think not serving a pizza to an able, NT child is abuse, or cruel.

Allowing children to serve themselves is recommended by some "parenting experts" as it helps teach self regulation and gives them autonomy. It isn't neglect. Slagging off everyone who does this is wrong.

If people bothered reading all the OPs post they would see the bit where she says the plates were next to the pizza.

Her reaction to the situation may have been wrong. The initial premise of allowing children to serve themselves wasn't.

Oh yes the OP is abusive. And some idiotic posters clapping and cheering her on. Disgusting.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4941611-to-expect-dd-to-tolerate-her-brothers-playing-while-shes-trying-to-sleep

She really seems to hate her 10 year old dd.

What, pray tell, are you smoking reading?!

wow, i remember that thread, i didnt know it was the same person. she doesnt care if her daughter sleeps well, she doesnt care if her daughter eats well. awful.

Maybe she’s fed up with one child being pandered to by the husband?

Well, I've learned a lot from this thread. When I cook I always tell my partner to help himself from the pans of food, so he can choose how much he wants of what. He must think I don't love him. I'll be sure to include love and napkins for all future meals so he doesn't leave me for my abusive ways.

@Hibiscrubbed Maybe that's common in your circles but don't bother projecting.

@Mastmw7g has clearly issues with her 10 year old dd. So much so that the dd is hoping to live with her grandmother.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4930526-to-be-bothered-by-what-mil-said

MIL doesn't live close, but gets a lot of time with the kids when there's no school. I have four kids, but her bond with my 10 year old is just special. DD calls her on the phone a few times a week, and MIL acts like everything she says or does is brilliant. Whereas my son's just wave into the video, say hi and I love you, and then go back to doing what they were doing.

MIL acts like everything she says or does is brilliant.

^OP has an issue with this.

Socks and puppets also come to mind..............

Good. Because your current approach is crap.

@Mastmw7g she might be on the edge of an eating disorder. She might think she has to restrict food. In her head she thinks you also think she is fat and you are testing her by leaving her to help herself and she thinks (wrongly) that you want her to not eat and loose weight.
For the love of whatever god you pray to, please keep her eating whatever way that is. I was a similar age when I started restricting and in my head my parents were in on it and wanted me not to eat and I would have seen you not playing me food as testing me and my will power to see if I could not eat.

Your DH is a loving parent; you are being weird about this. However she eats please keep her eating. For a 10 year old to voluntarily leave the room and not eat and say she’s hungry and you don’t provide food is fucking worrying

Why do you feel it is important that she puts food that you have cooked onto a plate herself? Important enough that if she doesn't you would rather she goes without food than do it for her.

I'm not asking that to judge you, it's just that if I understand why it is so important to you I might possibly be able to suggest things. My sons are Nd and so over the last 20+ years I've had to do things very differently. I'm the furthest thing from an expert but I do have a bit of experience dealing with different behaviours.

What is it you are wanting to teach her by this, well, stand off really, wasn't it?

Is it because you feel she lacks this skill and is physically unable to do it? Is it that you want to assert your authority? Is it your husband that you're actually pissed off at because you feel he babies her and you want him to stop and it's really not about the pizza on a plate at all? Etc

I won't post anymore on this thread as it's nasty. Posters cheering on a mother who has at the very least very questionable parenting skills and worst case scenario is an abusive nasty piece of work.

This thread is full of people jumping in to validate Op's strange and neglectful behaviour and those who don't see the difference between kids serving themselves and a mother picking endlessly on her 10 year old enviously commenting on family who seem to love and support this poor girl.

It's an abuser looking for validation. Yuck.

Please see my previous post. You’ll be posting back here in 6months that you don’t know why your DD is in hospital with an eating disorder that came out of no where. Please keep her eating and don’t reinforce to her that you want her to not eat, which is the thoughts going round in her head.

The plates were next to the pizza.

That isn't what happened. The OP described pizza cooked and sliced in the kitchen ready for everyone to choose their own pieces to take to the table. Not bread and water to take back to her cell whilst the rest are lovingly served a feast.

Three people including the six year old managed to take their food back to the table whilst the 11 year old leaves to go to her room without even asking for a plate.

Honestly people are so desperate to blame the OP here whereas I'm picturing someone more bemused at an 11 year old who won't eat unless food is plated up in front of them. It is a concern if its a regular occurrence.

OP strategically I'd put food on the plate for now but I agree its not normal behaviour and I'd want to get to the bottom of it as well. Does she ever help herself from shared dishes on the table at meal times or is it the same then?

This OP. It’s a big red flag.

if she’s otherwise competent, helpful and independent then there’s something around food going on.

Does she not like touching it.

Im suspecting some form of AFRID.

What are her eating habits like. Is she picky.

Pizza is a classic beige food which a lot of ASD people are happy eating but there can be a lot of internal rules in her head about how food is presented and how she must consume it.

The fact she’s rather go hungry suggests there’s some sort of rule in her head about how food must be presented before she’ll eat.

You don’t know what those rules are, even she may be unaware of them.

The sensitive scalp is another giveaway about sensory issues.

Im not sure how you probe into this carefully.

Maybe you could just ask her if the plate is very important to her.

Asking her why won’t do much good but ask her about the place and see what importance it holds.

It may be very very important. In a sequence of steps. So it may be early sign of OCD.

Your DH is right that you should get a plate.

But you need help externally as this may grow.