To be bothered by what MIL said?

[Mastmw7g]

My MIL has a special bond with my 10 year old. She told DD that she'd have her live with them if we'd let her. She even said she'd put DD in the school nearby. Now DD keeps referring to MILs as "home" and our home as the place she "visits"

I wouldn't be happy with that ..... She is undermining your household and parenting. You can't verbalise 'wishful' thinking with a child. I think you should gently correct your DD when she refers to MILs house as her home and her actual home as the one she visits. And perhaps ask your DH to have a word with his mother about boundaries.

Agree. And to a10 year old the wishful thinking of an adult is more than a concept when verbalised. What is the special bond. My view is this has seriously over stepped.
You are definitely not being UR to think this is not on.

Not good at all

Mil is manipulative at best

That is seriously messed up!
My DD has a lovely bond with her nan. She has a lovely time at her house, but it's not home. As I did at my GPs. I even had a bedroom there and ate my tea there 3 nights a week, while my mum worked...it wasn't my home though.
You're MIL is crackers and it's messing with your DDs head. Did MIL not have any daughters and wished she did?

I’d sit privately with mil and gently tell her that she corrects this, now. Or contact will lessen. A lot. Mil is driving a wedge between a mother and daughter and that is a sign of control on mil part.

Weird. Not good at all. DH says something or less contact - spooky

Odd. I'd be interested to know how much time your DD spends at your mil house.

Unless a child is staying there constantly and being looked after by mil why would that even come up?

You say special bond but don't most grandparents have a special bond with their grandchildren? I know I did as do my children.

@headhurtstoomuch MIL doesn't live close, but gets a lot of time with the kids when there's no school. I have four kids, but her bond with my 10 year old is just special. DD calls her on the phone a few times a week, and MIL acts like everything she says or does is brilliant. Whereas my son's just wave into the video, say hi and I love you, and then go back to doing what they were doing.

This isn't a special bond. This is something that is bad for all your children. Your other children may even joke about it but it hurts to be rejected in this way. It's not even good for your daughter, children needs balance not adoration.

What does your husband say? Was he the golden child?

@DisforDarkChocolate I don't think DH understands what Golden Child means. He's said BIL was the golden child, but basically he means that BIL was a good student, talented, and was someone his parents could really feel pride for. BIL doesn't have any kids, though. Just pets.

My husband says MIL says many things that are inappropriate to say to DD, but this wasn't an example of that. He thinks we should give consequences for when DD insults us by saying this isn't her home.

I’d feel really uneasy at this. Your mil is manipulating your dc and undermining you. Maybe your dc has been guilt tripped into doing this, and feels she will upset your mil if she doesn’t. By default, mil is also implying you’re not parenting properly. There’s a real element of love bombing going on.

I think your husband needs to do some reading on the impact of the golden child (or grandchild in this case) has on the rest of the family.

I wonder what would happen if your BIL had children? Would your daughter be usurped?

This is very very disturbing behaviour.

You need to nip this in the bud HARD. And if your MIL doesn't get it then you need to limit and monitor contact with her very closely.

So your MIL didn't have daughters and then you and DH have one daughter and 3 sons? And I'm guessing BIL either has sons or no children. That's why MIL wants to pretend that your daughter is hers. She's massively destroyed boundaries and your DH needs to say something and do so firmly. 10 years old is a little old to be mixing up homes though.

You need to say to your MIL 'DD said something strange and worrying to me, she told me you said it but I'm sure you wouldn't say that to her'... tell her exactly what your DD said. Get her response.

You have to let her know how confusing and potentially upsetting it is for your DD.

Personally I'd be reducing contact from MIL right away anyway.

Just see less of her

I think this specific thing is a red herring and lots of weird boundary crossing activity has been going on for years. I.e. this is the symptom NOT the disease

As evidenced by
My husband says MIL says many things that are inappropriate to say to DD, but this wasn't an example of that.

She only had 2 sons.
You have 4 - how many are girls?

Your DD is probably enamoured with the praise and 1:1 attention which can be in short supply with 2 working parents and 1 child!! Let alone 4.
The manipulation and emotional cukolding from mil is really intense sounding.

Coming down hard on DD is NOT going to be the answer as it drives the divide.
I would go for a combo of reassurance and humour/keeping it light.

"Of course this is your home. It will always be your home you are our child and we love you."
"Well you are eligible for gold membership as you " visit" so often".

Whatever your DH says I would really want to tell mil to back the fuck off in no uncertain terms (that is a terrible idea though and petrol on the fire so don't).
Your need to come down firmly here with mil.
I agree with other posts that said challenge her on this 'DD said you told her X. That's weird can you clarify?" And tell her directly that kind of thing is a no.
As first steps I'd be discreetly but progressively restricting her access to DD / keeping it supervised where possible.
Also setting up 1:1 "nice time" with mummy and daddy for your DD.

Tell your husband to stop being a moron - your daughter is ten, tweens can be tricky, and she’s being manipulated by your MIL.

I would have a straight forward conversation and tell her not to do that. I wouldn’t threaten less contact as that’s likely to increase the manipulation, but I would simply reduce contact by giving your daughter other things to do.

In a few years time she’ll be much more peer focused anyways

i would slowly start reducing contact. If you have particularly turbulent teen years, what if dd wants to go and live at her “real home”. Your MIL is massively overstepping

I think it depends on the context of the conversation.

If mil is introducing the topic, it's wrong.

If she is responding to a question from dd then that puts a different spin on it imo.

'If I wanted to/one day when I'm older/if anything happened to my parents would you let me live with you?' I think the reply from most grandparents would be a version of 'of course I would.'

Also not fair to jump to 'golden child' conclusions from the very little information we have imo. MIL phones and speaks to all gc - hardly her fault some of them wave and disappear, and only one responds in this very warm way.

I don’t see its wrong that she said it
but why your child wants to live with her and calls her place home?
are there any issues at home?
are you overly strict etc?

It has massive red flags all over it. You call it a special bond, others may call it intentionally driving a wedge between a child and her parents. Her home is her home. She is one step away from asking her to call her Mum. She is telling your DD that she should live with her and the only thing stopping her is you, her Mum. That needs stamping down on now, otherwise in 3 years you could have her flounce to her grandparent's house and ask to be enrolled in a school there.

@Necadalooshi I agree, that would be my concern too

Wait until she gets a few years older and hormonal and this will cause even bigger issues. Put a stop to it now

Gosh, lots of strenuous overreaction on this thread. It wouldn’t make me turn a hair.