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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH always takes the best

206 replies

Grumpynan · 16/11/2023 11:17

I know in the grander scheme of things this is mild but it’s really starting to get to me.

my late MIL was a very selfish nasty woman, she got worst over the years eventually when she died she had no friends and her sister didn’t like her. The only people at her funeral was me her son and our 3 children even her other son didn’t attend. I told him last night he is turning into her, her laughed it off and I did back down a little and soften it but I’m really worried he is !

when we were first married, 35 years ago, we shared everything, it was a thing people would comment on, if there was one cake he would cut it in half, if someone gave me chocolate I shared it.

now he always selects the best for him, the nicest chop, the biggest cookie. He’s always first into what ever is available no one else, even the grandkids gets a look in.

last night we had spaghetti bolognaise, I grated the Parmesan and commented that it was the last I had forgotten to get more, never mind he said there looks enough there. I sat down at the table to find he had poured 90% of it on his, about a portion size, when I commented he shrugged and said he didn’t think.

after dinner he called from the kitchen, he had seen the cupcakes I had made to take with me to friends today, oooh he said they look good, I commented that some looked better than others, but I’m getting better at piping and the girls won’t mind, yes he knew why I had made them. But when I went to watch tv later, he was sat there eating one, he had eaten 2 !, ok I had made a dozen and only needed 8, but he had picked the best looking ones leaving the rubbish ones for me to take.

im just getting fed up with it, feel I shouldn’t have to hid away stuff, especially when he knows what they are for

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 16/11/2023 11:21

Can you talk to him about this pattern and how it makes you feel?

Glarptip · 16/11/2023 11:24

Tell him you want a man for a husband, not a little boy.

DaggerIsle · 16/11/2023 11:24

He's a selfish shit.
Taking the best one is what kids do.
Taking nearly all the parmesan when he knows there isn't any more is mean.
Re the parmesan, when he said he 'didn't think' (🤔) why didn't you ask for some back?

Hankunamatata · 16/11/2023 11:25

You pull him up on it every single time.

SunRainStorm · 16/11/2023 11:29

This would infuriate me.

It sounds like a personality change and it's interesting that his mother was like this later in life. How old is he? Could it be age related?

fungibletoken · 16/11/2023 11:34

Totally sympathise! DH is the same - will always take the bigger/better looking portion, the last biscuit etc. He's otherwise a very kind man and I think it's a case of old habits die hard. He's one of three siblings and mealtimes at his parents' house were (are!) always a bit of a bunfight.

I think all you can do is mention it whenever it happens, and try not to take it to heart if he's doing it with everyone. We had meatball pasta recently and I had to eat mine later. It turned out he hadn't left me any meatballs. When I pointed it out he was genuinely a bit mortified and the next time we had them weeks later he remembered and gave me more. So I think it can come out of habit rather than not caring for you/others.

Baldieheid · 16/11/2023 11:34

Ask him why he didn't leave any for you, in a hurt voice. Every single time, including in public.

Anger usually gets these selfish people defensive and stubbornly self righteous. Embarrassment when you sound hurt that they've not considered you can be a very effective solution.

commonground · 16/11/2023 11:36

What a Greedy Husband.

Densol57 · 16/11/2023 11:37

Id have dug my spoon into his dinner and scooped it all back !!
yep - turning into his vile mother

orangegato · 16/11/2023 11:37

LTB. Selfishness is an absolute no. I may not have wanted more Parmesan but fucking ask first. Selfishness is very deep and sadly not fixable. The most unattractive trait ever.

MoltenLasagne · 16/11/2023 11:38

With the parmesan one, I'd have made him swap portions. If he thinks it's acceptable for one of you to miss out, then clearly it's fine if that person is him.

Unabletomitigate · 16/11/2023 11:40

Tell him. Point it out.

MonsteraMama · 16/11/2023 11:43

He sounds a bit of a twat to be honest.

My husband sheepishly told me one night after a few wines that he always makes sure me or our daughter gets the "best thing". Best piece of meat, crispiest scoop of cheesy pasta, most well poached egg, slice of pizza with most toppings... Etc etc. His littlest way of showing us he loves us.

So what your husband is doing is his littlest way of showing you he'll always put himself and his wants before you and yours.

It's not divorce worthy but I think it'd give me the massive "ick", as they say. Innate selfishness is a wholly unattractive trait.

44PumpLane · 16/11/2023 11:43

This is really rubbish, especially the cakes example.....the look would have made no difference to the taste so he should have at least taken the "worst" ones and left the most impressive ones for you to take to the girls.

He sounds lacking in manners.

I think the issue is one of complacency, he needs to be told every time.

I agree with others, express hurt and sadness rather than anger.

LadyMargaretDevereux · 16/11/2023 11:44

That pettiness speaks volumes. He's selfish.

Couldyounot · 16/11/2023 11:45

He sounds greedy and selfish to me. Clearly the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

AmazingSnakeHead · 16/11/2023 11:49

I hate greed.

Canisaysomething · 16/11/2023 11:52

I would say “when you act selfishly like this it makes me wonder if I’ve married an arsehole”.

declutteringmymind · 16/11/2023 11:55

My husband does this but less so.

If he did that to me I would just say thanks! and take his plate.

He's getting better but if he pours himself a drink and not me I'll just say 'oh you shouldn't have' and just take it.

EveryKneeShallBow · 16/11/2023 11:58

I would become very concerned and book an appointment with the doctor for him. Tell him you’re certain he can’t possibly mean to be so selfish and such a prick, so you suspect it’s a symptom of the same degenerative personality changes that occurred in his mother. “And you know how she ended up”.

CloverHilla · 16/11/2023 12:02

Maybe don't soften the blow next time, and tell him that he is being greedy and inconsiderate. And if he wants a funeral like his mother's, he's going the right way about it!

Possumzilla · 16/11/2023 12:05

MonsteraMama · 16/11/2023 11:43

He sounds a bit of a twat to be honest.

My husband sheepishly told me one night after a few wines that he always makes sure me or our daughter gets the "best thing". Best piece of meat, crispiest scoop of cheesy pasta, most well poached egg, slice of pizza with most toppings... Etc etc. His littlest way of showing us he loves us.

So what your husband is doing is his littlest way of showing you he'll always put himself and his wants before you and yours.

It's not divorce worthy but I think it'd give me the massive "ick", as they say. Innate selfishness is a wholly unattractive trait.

I do this. My partner and kids get "the best" bit. My partner loves the extra crispy popcorn (the ones that are basically just crystalized sugar), and whenever I find one in the bowl, I give it to him.

The one exception to this is if we share a tub of ice cream with brownies in. I'm the most selfish Ben and Jerry's person ever. I'll just buy us separate tubs 😹😹😹

LaurieStrode · 16/11/2023 12:07

Glarptip · 16/11/2023 11:24

Tell him you want a man for a husband, not a little boy.

This.

I couldn't abide a gobbly, greedy, thoughtless oaf.

FrenchandSaunders · 16/11/2023 12:10

I hate stuff like this, he sounds awful. I would have leant across and grabbed a big handful of parmesan. Don't let him get away with it.

MaliciaKeys · 16/11/2023 12:15

He's greedy and childish. Don't put up with it. Call him out every single time. Don't allow him to morph into his mother.