DH always takes the best

[Grumpynan]

I know in the grander scheme of things this is mild but it’s really starting to get to me.

my late MIL was a very selfish nasty woman, she got worst over the years eventually when she died she had no friends and her sister didn’t like her. The only people at her funeral was me her son and our 3 children even her other son didn’t attend. I told him last night he is turning into her, her laughed it off and I did back down a little and soften it but I’m really worried he is !

when we were first married, 35 years ago, we shared everything, it was a thing people would comment on, if there was one cake he would cut it in half, if someone gave me chocolate I shared it.

now he always selects the best for him, the nicest chop, the biggest cookie. He’s always first into what ever is available no one else, even the grandkids gets a look in.

last night we had spaghetti bolognaise, I grated the Parmesan and commented that it was the last I had forgotten to get more, never mind he said there looks enough there. I sat down at the table to find he had poured 90% of it on his, about a portion size, when I commented he shrugged and said he didn’t think.

after dinner he called from the kitchen, he had seen the cupcakes I had made to take with me to friends today, oooh he said they look good, I commented that some looked better than others, but I’m getting better at piping and the girls won’t mind, yes he knew why I had made them. But when I went to watch tv later, he was sat there eating one, he had eaten 2 !, ok I had made a dozen and only needed 8, but he had picked the best looking ones leaving the rubbish ones for me to take.

im just getting fed up with it, feel I shouldn’t have to hid away stuff, especially when he knows what they are for

Totally sympathise OP, my life was like this at one point e.g. DH would take 2 apples from the fruit bowl , look to see which one was the biggest with no blemishes etc. and then give the other to me. Over time it made me feel like shit. But I wasn't in a good place and had lost perspective. With your awareness I hope you can turn this around

@Grumpynan I have to watch my DH with this kind of thing as well. He had a very mean, withholding Mum.
She was very controlling with food and anything nice. He gets very grabby when it comes to nice things and finds it difficult to control his impulses. It doesn’t justify it but because he was treated badly he gets pushy when it comes to opportunities to be treated well or have a nice thing. His reactions get very childish as he fears something will be withheld from him. For example he is so OTT about his birthday and wanting to be treated. He is aware of it and I do challenge him. He has got better since we’ve had children as it shines a light on his behaviour. I don’t indulge him and tell him to stop.

His brother is even worse. He take any opportunities to try and lord it over people and always wants to be the most important person in the room who should have everything best! It’s so sad to see how the mean and controlling parenting affected them.

You have made me realise that I need to address this with my son. He has a seriously restricted diet (autism) and will reject any food that isn't visibly perfect or exactly what he likes. But the result is that if he does want something, we've tended to let him have far more than his fair share of it. He's probably never given this a second thought.

I need to get on top of this before he grows into a very selfish partner, don't I.

I hadn't thought of it in that way, but the fact that they had discussed the amount of Parmesan left, that be knew there wasn't anymore, that he'd assured the OP it was enough, and then took almost all of it?
That's just mean.

I would knock his knuckle with my fork and help myself to some of his parmesan!

Greedy and selfish. Two extremely nasty traits. I wouldn't accept this for a second..

Perhaps he is fed up of putting others first and suddenly thought no.

My FIL is exactly the same. Couldn't give two shits about anyone else. Invited him for dinner, 6 of us, dessert came out, he took the jug of custard, poured 90% of it on his dessert and left the other 5 of us to share the rest. Just bizarre behaviour.

I was wondering the same. Maybe a gentle discussion and potential trip to the GP

This x1000

What an awful response. Give your head a wobble.Or what I think everyone would agree. Zip it.

‘You cut, I choose’
I have 4 children and this is a mantra in our house. It can apply to adults too! He sounds incredibly selfish. Do not put up and shut up. Please stick up for yourself.

He's a greedy selfish man and you need to hide those treats when you make them and call him out each and every time. He should have left enough of the cheese for you and instead just took it nearly all. I could not do that as would feel so guilty but he must not have a conscience at all. When I do food for my young adult son and myself I always make sure he gets the best as he eats more than I do as he is very tall and a growing lad.

You should buy yourself a lovely cake and sit down in front of him and eat it and if he asks for any say well no, you gobble everything so this treat is mine until you start to share equally in future.

To rollonretirementfgs that is shocking about your fil, did anyone call him out on it or all just shocked. I would have said pass your dish as the custard is for everyone so we need to share it all out. Is he controlling and selfish in other ways. Really shocking that you were probably all speechless, his poor wife.

Eating the best looking cakes is so childish. They would all taste the same and he'd already had the visual aspect of enjoying them.

Do you feel he does it to put you in your place? Or just thinks 'that's the best, so I'll have that if no one stops me.'

Both bad but the former is worse because it's contemptuous of you as opposed to just being self centred.

That's really quite sad. Just last night we were having pizzas. DH cooked them and said one of them had stuck to the stone, so the base was a bit rubbish. He'd given me the good one, without saying anything until I commented about the pizza stone. And I thought to myself how we both do the same thing. I always give him the best one of anything and he does the same for me. That's the way it should be. I don't know how you rectify that, it sounds like he has a deep routed sense of entitlement and is very selfish.

Ah yes, that MUST be it... the OP spent ages making and icing these cupcakes for her friends, yet her DH knowingly and deliberately took the two she was most proud of without asking anyway because he 'suddenly thought no'.

Jesus wept

My husband acts like his mum. It’s what he learned from childhood. Kids look to their care-givers to teach them how to navigate life.

there could be nature or nurture at play and you need to work out to what extent of each.

my husband has severe ADHD (nature) but also a dysfunctional childhood (nurture). It’s the nurture that makes him act like his mum. His body is conditioned to bond to his childhood trauma (her anger as a reason solution and excuse to everything). In other words, he creates anger in our household because it’s just what his nervous system knows.

Then we look at him realising his impact and modifying his behaviour….

His ADHD really hinders him from making a consistent change. (Not saying your husband has ADHD) because ADHD brains struggle with recognising the impact of their actions and they struggle with putting remedial action in place.

this is nature and it’s not as malleable as nurture.

Ick

he sounds greedy and selfish

huge ick

Is he going senile.

You just need to be straight with him... It's not even about the MIL... your subconsciously making an excuse for the behaviour because she was a selfish person so therefore he has that trait too .. Absolutely not... You need to set boundaries and if he crossed them let him know it's not ok.... He sounded like such a gentleman at 1 point. It seems like he is set in ways but pull him up on it express how it makes you feel. Xx

Me personally I'd fight fire with fire play him at his own game ....don't let him chose what piece of meat he wants serve all meals for him grate the nice cheese over yours first and then his don't give him the choice to be greedy and selfish when you make cakes for gatherings with your friends put them all in a cake tin and put away he's taking the mick and he knows it dint think my arse saw it wanted it took it more like ..... take the choices away I would xx

Hate selfish people so much. Why is it always mums that just have to go without?

Not sticking up for him but if his DM was like it all his life and he wasn't able to be like it could it now be like a release? So he was always like it but never showed it because his DM was still here? Psychological thing?

Either way doesn't make it right at all and you shouldn't have to be putting up with this.

Simple solution. Let him pick first, say thank you, then swap plates. 😁

If he doesn't have enough, he'll soon realise what he's doing. I'm one of three (only girl) and if you didn't act fast, you didn't eat.

I think my Dad used to do this to my mum until the time they were sharing food in a restaurant and he took all of what he thought was avocado leaving none for her. Turned out it was wasabi, the shock sent him flying out of the restaurant and running down the road