DH always takes the best

[Grumpynan]

I know in the grander scheme of things this is mild but it’s really starting to get to me.

my late MIL was a very selfish nasty woman, she got worst over the years eventually when she died she had no friends and her sister didn’t like her. The only people at her funeral was me her son and our 3 children even her other son didn’t attend. I told him last night he is turning into her, her laughed it off and I did back down a little and soften it but I’m really worried he is !

when we were first married, 35 years ago, we shared everything, it was a thing people would comment on, if there was one cake he would cut it in half, if someone gave me chocolate I shared it.

now he always selects the best for him, the nicest chop, the biggest cookie. He’s always first into what ever is available no one else, even the grandkids gets a look in.

last night we had spaghetti bolognaise, I grated the Parmesan and commented that it was the last I had forgotten to get more, never mind he said there looks enough there. I sat down at the table to find he had poured 90% of it on his, about a portion size, when I commented he shrugged and said he didn’t think.

after dinner he called from the kitchen, he had seen the cupcakes I had made to take with me to friends today, oooh he said they look good, I commented that some looked better than others, but I’m getting better at piping and the girls won’t mind, yes he knew why I had made them. But when I went to watch tv later, he was sat there eating one, he had eaten 2 !, ok I had made a dozen and only needed 8, but he had picked the best looking ones leaving the rubbish ones for me to take.

im just getting fed up with it, feel I shouldn’t have to hid away stuff, especially when he knows what they are for

Mines the same. How siblings are also like that.
But they did grow up without much money so making up for it now I guess.
It's selfish though.

Congratulations on being married for 35 years i hope for not many of them were with him being a selfish grabby man.

I would call him his mothers name every time he does it. But you also need to stop giving him the opportunity to take the best bits. Plate everything up before it comes to the table. And look into a food safe for the fridge

And if you are ever feeling bored or petty set him up to take what looks like the best, but actually isn’t. For example perhaps the biggest chop is actually burnt on the back.

But don’t do this every time, just when you need a laugh. Men should be loved and cherished. You need to spend a lot of time preparing lovely meals for him. Large pork chops with a lot of gravy. Huge thick slabs of steak with lots of gravy, perhaps with a side of mashed potatoes. I find a good recipe is put as much butter as there is potato. Bacon and eggs makes a great breakfast. Keep his greedy stomach full, and his life insurance policy up to date.

Can I just say that out of all
The things that can (and are ) done in marriages/relationships I find selfishness the worst.
I could get over cheating
I could get over criminal act
I could get over shouting

I could not get over someone thinking they are better than me.

It's cruel.
I

My ex was like this, always served himself the best and left everyone else to make do with the rest. Treated his own things with care, other people's things as an afterthought. I thought it was just petty selfishness until I found out he was hiding thousands of dollars from the family every month so he could spend it on himself.

Selfishness is an awful trait. It makes a mockery of the ideas of partnership and family.

I beg to differ, re "selfish"

You know your worth and you're catching up on lost time - you have just as much right to the good things in life as the next person. The fact that others in your life let you always come last says something about them too.

thousands of dollars every month’ - my God, how awful! Sincerely hope you got a good settlement when you divorced 🌺

Could he be developing dementia? Most spouses are proud to be generous to their loved ones.

Have an indepth discussion describing his habitual selfishness and how he used to be able to be considerate. Question him about becoming like his parents and whether he feels he should be assessed for dementia. Would he like to see a doctor? Would he like to be reminded every time when he is thoughtless?

Do not put up with being treated so disrespectfully.
If he continues on and doesn't improve make special no go zones in your kitchen and state, always, up front that the cakes are not for him. But really he should be using his own good manners and observation so you can relax and trust in his generosity.

YANBU it’s a pattern of really selfish behaviour that adds up over time and starts to define him if it doesn’t already.

The examples you’ve given all seem to be food related. Does this extend further than food?

Why on earth didn't you swap plates ! He sounds very selfish.

As a family we are obsessed with food but my DGF and DF always had last choice after DC or their wives or guests. My bf will always give me the best bits. I give my DS the best bits. It's showing love.

If someone is fundamentally selfish they won't change. He sounds insufferable and the thing with the cupcakes is about undermining you. You do not matter to him.

Exactly this.

its not about a cupcake or a chop or a spoonful of Parmesan but that he sees himself as more worthy of “the best” than anyone else.

He sounds horrid from what you have posted. What, if any, are his good points?

I hide the grandchildrens treats, biscuits etc in the office. My OH has such a sweet tooth 😂

Does no one say to him put that back you greedy bastard? My husband has a large family and they generally do buffet style meals and someone doing that would definitely be called out

First of all, well done for a 35year+ marriage!

as regards your issue, this is very irksome. I imagine it has built up, little by little, over time and he has created bad habits. You should tell him that he is turning into someone he does not want to be. Would he like himself if he met himself? Does he think that you do not deserve the best?

it may sound petty, but you should keep a list of when he does this. It’s very easy to let things slide and then struggle to think of examples when discussing the issue.

My vile ex husband did this. If appetisers were put out whilst i was still cooking/dishing up he would eat them all... eg bowl of olives, chicken wings. Literally move the whole bowl infront of him so kids couldnt get any.
He would bring take away in for just himself and fume if the boys asked for chips.
I found it utterly repellant and told him so which resulted in him throwing the food and bowls infront of the children.
It is the start of something inheritantly wrong with someone and i believe what started to give away his personality disorder including other things. He wasnt always like that but got progressively worse. Dominating the TV/living room, switching the kids programmes off to watch his own. Hiding wine so as not to share. Shopping for one. It will only get worse. Its disgusting behaviour.

Disgusting.

My brother is like this and always has been . At Christmas he would always volunteer to work until late afternoon (didn't have to he just didn't trust his staff!) and everybody had to wait for him to turn up to start Christmas dinner. First to launch in at the turkey etc taking big portions of the breast meat and as much of the other stuff that he wanted without any concern for the rest (kids included)
On a trip away we filled the rental fridge with enough coke,crisps ,desserts and chocolates for everybody for 3/4 days only to find that there was no chocolate left at the end of day 2 and the reply was well you can just go and get more......
I find it hard to believe that we were both brought up in the same house hold

What, take take take for yourself and not consider anyone else? If that's what you mean, then that's really embarrassing.

I wonder why journalists people do a huge long OP, then disappear and wait for people to tell their own stories for the papers never to be seen again?

Even worse, when 2 days after, people are STILL giving advice 😂

My FIL will start getting tucked into a meal before my mother (who has cooked the entire meal and who races around doing loads of thing anyway which he sits in an armchair all day) has had a chance to sit down. I find this really rude. He also gets territorial around food and will moan if he feels that he hasn't had the same as everyone else.

However, if the DH wasn’t ‘allowed’ to do this as a kid because of his mother then it could explain why he’s doing this now.

it doesn’t excuse it but certainly explains why he might be behaving like a child now his mother is dead. She’s not around to ‘stop’ it or taking the best for herself.

he is an adult though and needs to be told that he is clearly mimicking what his mother did and what he clearly wasn’t able to do as a child and needs to work on it.

there are ways to mend this but as an adult he has to want to do it.

fwiw I was abused as a kid and chores were forced upon all the kids from babysitting regularly to house deep cleaning and step father would purposely dirty dishes if he felt they weren’t washed and dried properly.

it took years for it to sink in I was no longer under the little hitlers authority but as the realisation set in my attitude to chores changed and I spent a good couple of years not really doing chores because I’d been raised to associate a clean house with abuse but that lead to me being abusive to myself. It took therapy and self help book/podcast/forum research for me to slowly unlink needed chores with My childhood abuse.

So I can see why the DH could be behaving like this now.

When you have guests, make sure it's guests first/littlest first. Literally direct - littlest grandchild, would you like some cheese on top and hand them the bowl? Or task him with hosting (fetching drinks, napkins blah blah) whilst directing the guests to start helping themselves.

When it's just the two of you, literally take the one you want sometimes and if he questions it say "chef's perks".

Rather than having big bowls of sharing snacks, give everyone their own little bowl of crisps etc.

As for the cupcakes, I would literally have put the rest away and left him the most rubbish one out and said you can have that one if you needed the others for a thing. My OH would always ask if he could have one and which one he could have in that situation. He was selfish and should be called out on it.

I understand his past has led him to this point, but he's a grandad now and honestly, he needs to be the bigger person.

I don't understand why all the selfish people on here aren't pulled up, every single time

Because I'd be buggered if I'd stand by and watch it, especially if I'd cooked it!