DH always takes the best

[Grumpynan]

I know in the grander scheme of things this is mild but it’s really starting to get to me.

my late MIL was a very selfish nasty woman, she got worst over the years eventually when she died she had no friends and her sister didn’t like her. The only people at her funeral was me her son and our 3 children even her other son didn’t attend. I told him last night he is turning into her, her laughed it off and I did back down a little and soften it but I’m really worried he is !

when we were first married, 35 years ago, we shared everything, it was a thing people would comment on, if there was one cake he would cut it in half, if someone gave me chocolate I shared it.

now he always selects the best for him, the nicest chop, the biggest cookie. He’s always first into what ever is available no one else, even the grandkids gets a look in.

last night we had spaghetti bolognaise, I grated the Parmesan and commented that it was the last I had forgotten to get more, never mind he said there looks enough there. I sat down at the table to find he had poured 90% of it on his, about a portion size, when I commented he shrugged and said he didn’t think.

after dinner he called from the kitchen, he had seen the cupcakes I had made to take with me to friends today, oooh he said they look good, I commented that some looked better than others, but I’m getting better at piping and the girls won’t mind, yes he knew why I had made them. But when I went to watch tv later, he was sat there eating one, he had eaten 2 !, ok I had made a dozen and only needed 8, but he had picked the best looking ones leaving the rubbish ones for me to take.

im just getting fed up with it, feel I shouldn’t have to hid away stuff, especially when he knows what they are for

I'd pull him up on this, my ex was the same and I think it's indicative of selfishness in a person

Cakes - why did you take the better looking ones, they don't taste any difference and you know they are for my friends

Cheese - how utterly selfish of you to take 90% of the cheese when you know full well that's all we've got. How selfish

Rinse and repeat

Like you said it sounds like nothing in the greater scheme of things but definitely definitely talk to him, if nothing it teaches the kids that their needs outweigh everyone else and modern society already pushes enough of the ‘you should look out for yourself’ shit!!!

Three kids isn’t a lot of kids. How old is he? I’m genuinely trying to understand how he could have taken all
the meatballs and just not thought of you at all. Do you have kids? Is he generous to them?

You've been together long enough to get married. At what point does the habit get broken?

In my experience men get more selfish as they get older.

This isn't going to get any better and already smacks of narcissistic behaviour.

I'd have reached over and taken some parmesan off the top of his spag bol just like I would have done to a child who'd thoughtlessly done that.

If he's going to act like a child, treat him like one and correct his actions where possible every time.

I read things like this and genuinely don’t understand how nobody pulls people up on this sort of behaviour.

Is he one of many siblings? I think someone already mentioned being one of three and how you can develop a habit to “fight” for your food. I’ve noticed the same in my stepchildren, they are always terrified there won’t be enough for them.

Selfish pig! Impossible to fancy such a man.

Never a day goes by on MN when I don’t feel waves of relief at being long term single.

I know! Me either.

And do you not pull him up on this behaviour? If not, then why not?

Not true. At all.

I would have lifted the steak of his plate and told no one gets more until everyone has got their food. I would have refused him the chips and told him they were for the kids and what age did he think he was. Selfish people need to be called out on it and I don't care how embarrassing it is for them.

Nonsense. I have a father, three brothers, lots of male friends and a husband. I have never encountered a man who behaves like this. It is not common (although not as rare as it should be) and it’s not acceptable.

I'm one of four. We were ALWAYS taught to make sure we left enough for others - that we should take one of something and then go back for seconds after everyone else had theirs. When there's only one thing left, we were taught to offer it round to others before taking it. So I don't think that's an excuse at all, its just selfish and bad manners.

Because she is not his mother? Why is that poster responsible for the behaviour of her husband?! Its never his fault is it...

Greed and selfishness are two of the worst qualities anyone can have. I wouldn't want to stay married to any of the selfish men on this thread never mind have a meal with them.

There's no way this doesn't have a knock on effect on everything else in a marriage - finances, sex, consideration for your family etc.

This is a change of behaviour. It's not about the amount of cheese he ate, or which cupcake he chose, it's that he's stopped making an effort to be considerate towards you.
You need to have a conversation with him about the behaviour and how he feels towards you - see if he's willing to make an effort. If he doesn't pull himself up, the ick will set in for you and you'll be stuck in an unhappy relationship.

Only shit men who have been allowed to get away with it.

Where on earth have I said it’s not his fault?! So, people should never be pulled up on their poor behaviour because we, collectively, are not their mothers? We should never go ‘why have you done that?’ to our spouses? We should just accept them being shitty? That’s your position? As it’s not mine.

Also note, you said ‘not his mother’, not ‘parent’. Not ‘father’. So, you’re the one who seems to automatically assume it’s a woman’s job to pull him up, not me.

My DP has just rung to check if it's OK to eat the last bread roll because he knows I love them (yes it was!). He would always give me the nicest looking one of anything. Always. I would do the same for him.

That's how it should be. It's kind.

Yes, I said mother because she is (presumably) female and so would therefore play the role of mother rather than father should she have parental responsibilty for him.....
And the point is that your immediate response to that posters tale was to demand to know whether she pulled him up on it and if not, why not. When in fact, his behaviour is not her responsibility, and whether she did or not is irrelevant.

Not DH, but his uncle. I once pointed out to him, at the table in a restaurant, that the starters and the rice were to be shared between five - so he should take 1/5th, then go back for more if others wanted less. He never did it again!

I think it can be really hard to shake off your upbringing. We're now in our 30s and so are his siblings. We had his parents and siblings round for my birthday and I popped inside to find more cutlery for the cake. When I came back a few minutes later they'd already fought over and taken it all. Didn't register that I didn't have any. Just a bizarre attitude to food. Same if they see open food when they visit - e.g. a pack of crisps I've put down whilst doing something else. They'll just help themselves. So alien to me it's a bit hard to engage with but DH is getting better after being pulled up on it. And I've learned to hide any personal treats when the doorbell goes!

That's how I was brought up too, but if you weren't then it can look quite different!

My DH is the least romantic person ever. But, he always hands over the "squidgy" chips if we have a takeaway because they're my favourite. He scrapes the crispy bits of cheese off the dish for me even though he doesn't really like cheese (fine on pizza, lasagne etc but not his thing otherwise), because he knows I love slightly burnt cheese.

I always say that's true love. Keep your flowers, chocolates and diamonds. Give me the things you know I love (and would probably let him or DC have if I thought they wanted them).

I wouldn't pussyfoot around with his feelings. I'd give it to him straight 'you're a revoltingly selfish man and you're turning into your mother. No one liked your mother'.