DH always takes the best

[Grumpynan]

I know in the grander scheme of things this is mild but it’s really starting to get to me.

my late MIL was a very selfish nasty woman, she got worst over the years eventually when she died she had no friends and her sister didn’t like her. The only people at her funeral was me her son and our 3 children even her other son didn’t attend. I told him last night he is turning into her, her laughed it off and I did back down a little and soften it but I’m really worried he is !

when we were first married, 35 years ago, we shared everything, it was a thing people would comment on, if there was one cake he would cut it in half, if someone gave me chocolate I shared it.

now he always selects the best for him, the nicest chop, the biggest cookie. He’s always first into what ever is available no one else, even the grandkids gets a look in.

last night we had spaghetti bolognaise, I grated the Parmesan and commented that it was the last I had forgotten to get more, never mind he said there looks enough there. I sat down at the table to find he had poured 90% of it on his, about a portion size, when I commented he shrugged and said he didn’t think.

after dinner he called from the kitchen, he had seen the cupcakes I had made to take with me to friends today, oooh he said they look good, I commented that some looked better than others, but I’m getting better at piping and the girls won’t mind, yes he knew why I had made them. But when I went to watch tv later, he was sat there eating one, he had eaten 2 !, ok I had made a dozen and only needed 8, but he had picked the best looking ones leaving the rubbish ones for me to take.

im just getting fed up with it, feel I shouldn’t have to hid away stuff, especially when he knows what they are for

His casual disrespect will wear you down, OP.

My grandmother was like this. She was always stingey, but it got worse and worse as she got older. In hindsight, it was her way of coping with having lost people in her life: her children left home, her husband died, her grandchildren were also grown and didn't need her. She just needed to push back on something to feel she existed, I think. She needed that resistance to prove she was alive.

Not saying this is your DH, but perhaps there's something else going on given he wasn't always like this.

That would really piss me off. The absolute selfishness. Why not eat the worst 2 cupcakes. That is narcissistic.

This sounds incredibly unappealing. All attractiveness swallowed up by his selfishness and greed. Yuck.

I really struggle to imagine being this lacking in social awareness. The cupcake example in particular - it is so obvious to me that if someone is baking for an event and you're having one, you would take the one that's the most of a "dud", if they were varied. The fact that he didn't have the sense to think that is really alien to me.

Time for some home truths, I think.

I'm sorry you've only ever met shit men.

Pull him up on it. My husband only did this once. Five of us sat down to dinner with his family. There was a bowl of cauliflower cheese. He helped himself to half of it. I said "Oy, you've taken half the cauliflower cheese and left the four of us with only half between us!". His mum started with "Oh it doesn't matter..." as she's the type to hand people the best bits. I replied "yes it does matter- I love cauli cheese and he's taken way more than his fair share". He was mortified and immediately shared it out fairly. He never did it again.

I assume you tell him he's a selfish shit when he does these things? It's such an unattractive trait, I'd be so put off I couldn't just ignore it.

If you've been married for 35, he certainly won't change now. He sounds very selfish. You could -
Put the dinners on the plates and serve him what you think is a fair amount.

Hide any "nice" food/baking you don't want him to touch.

No, you shouldn't need to do that, but as he's such a greedy, thoughtless, selfish git, I think you'll have to.

@WhatsThePurposeOfLife i would have agreed with you until I met my DH. He is incredibly unselfish. I do think it can be a rare find though; I’ve met some really selfish horrible bastards in my life.

😲 That's just abysmal manners! Your PIL seriously failed on that score!

I would buy a bar of chocolate and eat it all to myself in front of him when you're watching telly. Do the same with other things, and when he asks for some, "Ah well you don't share with me, so?" He needs to be retrained!! 😂

My ex never even tried to hide when he did this.

I would dish up dinner and call him through to the kitchen to collect his plate. "Which one is mine?" he would say. "Any one." He would then pause for about 5 seconds, eyeing them both up before choosing the one which had more of what he liked on it.

One time he even moaned about it "ooo that one's got more meat but that one has more potatoes hmmm".

Such a turn off.

YANBU. I'd have made him give me half his Parmesan!

Exactly the same etiquette taught to my 3 siblings and me, @PianPianPiano .

Although I didn’t realise until too late just how my Ex took advantage of my manners - he’d order whatever he wanted when eating out, and I (being the anxious one regarding our tight finances) would routinely have the cheapest dish and water only to drink. He also knew of our financial situation, but would expect me to select a meal with the remainder of the money after he had chosen.

OP - pull him up every time, and don’t soften the blow. He needs to know just how selfish he is being, and what others actually think about him. If need be, show him what he is doing, and how disrespectful it is towards everyone else.

What did you say to them?

I'd would fo this as well.

My husband used to be like this.
I always thought it was because of having two overwhelming older sisters growing up. He had to fight to get his share or go.
I called him out on it every single time and he’s a lot better. He can still be a bit selfish but he’s found the easiest way is often to buy two of something so that he knows one is his and that he can have it all.

You should have swapped dinner plates on the cheese one. Definitely keep letting him know seriously it’s unacceptable and his turning into his mother.

I couldn’t imagine dh being like that, hell I have to tell him his given me more food than him or practically force feed him anything that’s meant to be “mine” that I want to share with him. He will swap take away chips because I hate soggy ones, always volunteering to be the one who’s dinner gets colder if the children want something it’s a battle of the wills over who is more sharing in our house.

Even the children are told firmly on picky foods that they can’t take all of something or only the best bits it’s for everyone.

I repeat: So, people should never be pulled up on their poor behaviour because we, collectively, are not their mothers? We should never go ‘why have you done that?’ to our spouses? We should just accept them being shitty? That’s your position?

So, if your partner behaved like this, you’d say nothing and accept it because you’re not his mother? What?

I worked with a man like this. Every buffet, every time food treats were brought in ( weekly, the company were big on food treats ), every time a big birthday was celebrated and a cake was provided. In the end his manager physically stopped him from doing a 2nd round of the buffet table with his Tupperware box when half of the office hadn't had a chance to get anything yet. He was incredulous, the idea of sharing was obviously alien to him.

Call him out every single time. Selfish greedy pig.

"Is there none left? I haven't had any".

And the response?

I feel like you’ve come to accept it, so don’t fully realise how insane their behaviour is. It’s shockingly bad. Actually worse than the OP’s (awfully behaved) DH.