DH always takes the best

[Grumpynan]

I know in the grander scheme of things this is mild but it’s really starting to get to me.

my late MIL was a very selfish nasty woman, she got worst over the years eventually when she died she had no friends and her sister didn’t like her. The only people at her funeral was me her son and our 3 children even her other son didn’t attend. I told him last night he is turning into her, her laughed it off and I did back down a little and soften it but I’m really worried he is !

when we were first married, 35 years ago, we shared everything, it was a thing people would comment on, if there was one cake he would cut it in half, if someone gave me chocolate I shared it.

now he always selects the best for him, the nicest chop, the biggest cookie. He’s always first into what ever is available no one else, even the grandkids gets a look in.

last night we had spaghetti bolognaise, I grated the Parmesan and commented that it was the last I had forgotten to get more, never mind he said there looks enough there. I sat down at the table to find he had poured 90% of it on his, about a portion size, when I commented he shrugged and said he didn’t think.

after dinner he called from the kitchen, he had seen the cupcakes I had made to take with me to friends today, oooh he said they look good, I commented that some looked better than others, but I’m getting better at piping and the girls won’t mind, yes he knew why I had made them. But when I went to watch tv later, he was sat there eating one, he had eaten 2 !, ok I had made a dozen and only needed 8, but he had picked the best looking ones leaving the rubbish ones for me to take.

im just getting fed up with it, feel I shouldn’t have to hid away stuff, especially when he knows what they are for

You'll have to treat him like a kid. He slices the cake, you choose the slice etc.

That's a really good point about the cakes. He purposely took the best-finished ones, knowing OP had made them for a specific purpose (not him) AND that she wanted to show off her better handiwork, which he destroyed.

It isn't greed. He's sending a message. Exactly what it says, I'm not sure, but it sounds something like "You don't matter. I do. Never forget that."

😢

It's a bit of a shocker, OP, especially after the performative sharing of your early days. I quite like the suggestion that he should see a doctor - not because I think there must be some other explanation for his increasingly dominating behaviour, but it's a good way to emphasise that it's a serious issue.

Yanbu - it's making my blood boil just reading that. I'd have definitely taken Parmesan off his plate or swapped.

As for the cakes I would have made very clear that I was not impressed and it was a shit thing to do.

Especially if it's a recurring thing I would be pulling him up on it every single time

Squabbling over whose fault it was 🫣 And nope - I too find his family's behaviour totally alien. And that's precisely why I don't take it to heart that DH still has some of those tendencies but make sure I flag it to him every time in the expectation that he'll drop them. Hence that was my advice to the OP too, provided her DH has other redeeming features. If he's an arse all round then there's a different conversation to be had!

My brother was like this even from a very young child, there were 4 of us and if there was a treat with four portions he would gobble his up then scream, cry and hang off you and demand everyone else share their portions because his had gone.
Being the eldest I was always made to give over mine.
He was never told no and it shows now he is an adult.

I think the things you have listed are incredibly tame and you seem nitpicky. You describe your mil as very selfish and nasty, and that hes turning into her. If these are the things you are comparing to her then I think you need to reaccess your morals.

Control the situation until he gets the message. You make sure he gets less cheese or the smallest portion. Make sure he gets the worst looking thing. He can’t be trusted and he won’t listen so he needs showing.

@TomatoSandwiches That's infuriating. What a brat. Not fair of your parents to make you give up your piece. What, as if you should just lump it? I hope you have your own of everything now! 😊

I think it's about noone saying boo to them...in my case there's only two of them so that couldn't be it surely.

I couldn't live with that. And I'd give him fair warning of that.

My XH became like this.

Note the ex.

I have many issues with H, and we are getting divorced, but even at our worst he has never done this. He always gave me first choice of food, first bite of his food, first sip of his drink. He will put himself out before he puts other people out.

I find it interesting that he hasn’t always been like that. My husband is in his late 50s and I’ve noticed small but not insignificant things that he would not have done years ago. I don’t know whether it’s a sudden change and I should be more concerned about .. I don’t know, ..strokes or affairs? Maybe it’s been incremental and I just haven’t noticed until now.

I had a much loved, and close relative whose personality didn’t age well and it’s unsettling.

You could be talking about my late dh @Grumpynan. He was exactly the same! I can’t remember a time when he would take anything that was a bit bashed (even when we had guests), he always went straight for the best/nicest one. He would also open a fresh packet of something, if he felt the ones open weren’t as nice, leaving the other ones to waste or eaten by me or someone else.

When our DCs came along, he continued this with them as well, going into a tub of sweets and selecting the ones (not one, but all) he liked best and leaving the rest of us to eat the ones he didn’t like. If we were shopping, I would always ask him which flavour of crisps / ice cream / chocolate he wanted, then I would get the ones the rest of us preferred. Without fail when I would go to get the ones the rest of us had chosen, they would be part eaten by him / finished, whereas the ones he had chosen weren’t even started. If I asked why, he would say he just fancied those, when he went to get something, then would eat his own choices (which we didn’t like) when nothing else was left. He thought everything in the cupboard / fridge / freeze was fair game for him to take, irrespective of whether I had told him not to eat it as I wanted it for something.

It caused rows between us, as I felt it was a matter of greed / disrespect, but he never changed. I doubt yours will either.

I think there's a difference between choosing to put your wishes above someone else's, and being so focussed on whatever it is that you're doing right now that you're not even aware that anyone else might have any wishes. How is he with other people or in other situations?

Wtf?! So they are all your birthday cake?! How outrageously rude! I really hope you said something ffs

LOL at making an appointment to see the doctor.
And what seems to be the trouble?
He took too much Parmesan

Nitpicky?! I don't think so.

You're one of these greedy, grabby, selfish people I presume.

I've been married for a decade, and wouldn't dream of doing what the OP's husband does.
Just because you've made bad choices with men doesn't mean we're all bad. 😆

Some people just insist on bringing down the bar for minimum behaviour in relationships.

Doctor: what seems to be the trouble?

Response: a marked personality change in recent months. A regression in social skills, awareness of social conventions and a reduced capacity to think of others perspectives and needs. There is a family history of the same.

He's a bit of a pig! I would let him know. Otherwise it never stops

I'm another who couldn't stand this. Are there other things that he has started doing that show his selfish greed?

I'm afraid that I couldn't make a joke of it and I'd also take steps to be proactive rather than reactive with him: tell him straight 'keep your grabby hands off these cakes until I've packed some away' and 'don't take all the cheese, there's others here who like it too'

I agree with the above. There’s no way I’d have put up with the greed, selfishness and rudeness. I’d be quite open about calling him out every single time. My DD had a partner like this and when I served food in dishes before I’d put the last dish on the table he was always merrily digging in to the meat first to get a larger portion and the best bits before everyone else. I put my cutlery down to go and get more water for the table and he took the bits of meat I hadn’t finished from my plate without asking. That’s when I pulled him up. The man had no shame and didn’t as much as apologise. When I went to get myself more he had the audacity to ask if he could have extra, there was no shortage of food and he’d already eaten loads, it was pure greed. It still makes me angry to think about it. I can’t deny I’m happy he’s her ex because of his greed.

And this is someone at the in laws, ostensibly where you try and be on your best behaviour.

This made me snort 😂