To not forgive?

[Rattymcratty]

This may be more of a philosophical question than your usual aibu. Well it’s regarding my MIL so maybe it is your regular AIBU!

What is forgiveness? What does forgiveness look like? Does everyone deserve it?

Essentially MIL wants me to ‘forgive and forget’ to move on with family life. She’s constantly mentioning to DH that I’m stubborn, need to have forgiveness, soften up, need to build a bridge, ‘let us put it all behind us’ and ‘forgive and forget’. She really wronged us both, she feels she did nothing wrong, DH went NC for 6 months and I haven’t ‘came around’.

She’s asked DH what she can say/do for me to forgive her which to me defeats the object of wanting forgiveness. She’s brought me flowers and tried to break the ice but I honestly want nothing to do with her. She’s never offered an apology, not reflected that she did any wrong doing and at best only tried to justify her actions.

How can I forgive when she has zero remorse nor took any accountability for what she has done?

Ah OP. I think in your case forgiveness would be a continuation of ‘letting go’ ALL future issues. It’s constant boundary pushing with her so it’s not something you can leave in the past it’s going to be very present all the time.

My ex mil ruined my wedding and I havnt spoken to her since. I don’t stew about it anymore - I was so upset for about six months after - maybe even depressed. I just don’t have anything to say to a thoroughly unpleasant person.

My ex was awful during the separation and whilst I do try and work hard to forgive - for my sake only so it doesn’t burn me up - I have to keep him at arms length for my own protection.

It’s like getting bitten by a snake - I know what they are capable of so won’t get close enough to let them do it again. But her family will be so used to this behaviour they won’t see it the way you do.

I think your DH should go for some councilling because it’s him now that’s inviting her in which impacts your life and your Dds. I know what that pressure is like. Also you don’t have to put your feelings behind his all the time especially when he is in the thick of his guilt and being manipulated,

I would not have her seeing my child if she was whispering about me in the ear of that child, fuck that no way.
i can see why your H doesn’t want to go NC, but I wouldn’t want those people in my house. I’d say he needs to meet them out of the home and they wouldn’t be seeing my child on their own, either.

You can forgive without changing your boundaries. I forgive the ex for abusing me, but I wouldn't let him wihtin 100metres of me and would call the Police if he did come near.

'Forgive and forget' is a constant refrain of the abusive. They aren't sorry really, they just want you to 'press the reset button' so they can abuse you again.

For me, forgiveness is letting go of any feeling that something is owed, and letting go of any tie between me and the other person - and hatred and resentment is a tie as strong or stronger than love. That cannot be rushed. It is a process, and it is perfectly possible to accept an apology without forgiving.

But some behaviours are so bad that the person cannot be allowed back into my life. OP, your MIL would be in that category. Her apology is no real apology in that she has no intention of changing. If she had, she would accept and understand that her behaviour means you do not want to have a relationship with her.

A true apology is about the comfort of the other person, not to manipulate an outcome for yourself.

She wouldn't be near my children.
I wouldn't be impressed with a husband who would facilitate it either.

She is a horror.
Think about moving away.
Do not back down on this.
She is a truly awful person and that will never change.
No good will ever come from being involved with her.
She's too toxic.

Hi All.

Here we are again.

MIL found out that the three of us had gone on holiday. Within three hours she had sent a text to DH saying that FIL health was declining due to the situation between us and them. ‘I am hoping this is something you can work on so we can be a family again’.

DH got in touch with BIL and FIL has just had a bunch of test results back giving him the all clear.

DH seeing exactly what it is. Pure manipulation and narcissism.

She’s really got it in her head that DH can talk me around and then we can all be one big happy family.

He needs to block or mute her.
I would be pissed off at this interruption on holiday.

I assume she still hasn't apologized. You would think that might be easier than staging all this utter nonsense!?

not that you would be obliged to forgive her if she did but it would be a start...

even Jesus only forgives you if you repent your sins and ask for forgiveness. (I am not religious but it sounds like Jesus seems to be on her mind).

is your DH going to try and do anything about it or is he still sitting awkwardly in the middle and wishing his life was different?

You should block her. He should at least block her while you’re away. Come on. I wouldn’t let anyone near my children who wasn’t decent to me, never mind slagged me off to them. I can’t believe you’ve been letting her in your home, contact you on the phone or see your daughter. No, enough of all the bullshit.

@Rattymcratty I honestly do not understand why you allow her to see your daughter!! especially after trying to poison her young mind with accusations regarding her being permitted to see child every day!

I agree with PP - keep your DD well away from these toxic people.

She is a toxic nightmare and allowing her to have contact with your DD can only ever have negative consequences. She sounds like a narcissistic sociopath as she only ever sees things from her own perspective and cannot ever admit to being in the wrong.

Your DD doesn't need someone in her life who will lie and try and turn her against her own mother. Cut off all contact and block her and her flying monkeys on everything.

, god knows what she’s going to be like once she’s sunk into DD and can turn her against us she’s already ‘told’ DD that Nanny would love to see her everyday but her nasty mummy and daddy is keeping her away.

This would be the final straw for me, your dh needs to start protecting his child from this vicious women, he can put up with it if he feels he has to but that’s his own choice. I would not have my child having contact with someone who slated their parents!

disgusting behaviour.

no forgive and no forgetting. She wouldn’t be involved in our child’s life at all.

The thing is, DD is just as much DH's child as OP's. As such, she really can't stop him from taking DD to his parents' any more than he could stop her from taking her to her parents'. She can ask, beg, demand but if he is bound and determined, there is really nothing she can do other than continue to stress the toxicity and the reasons why DD shouldn't be around them. Even should she threaten to leave that wouldn't help because he'd just take her on 'his time'.

I 100% agree that DD shouldn't be around DH's parents. But for those of you saying she should 'refuse to allow' DD to have contact with them, what do you all suggest she do if/when he leaves to take DD to his parents'? Engage in a tug of war? Grab DD and run and hide? Create a scene in front of DD?

I guess my point is that it's not helpful to OP to make her feel she is responsible for keeping DD away from them if her DH won't do so himself. All she can do is work on him to agree to it and hopefully go NC himself.