To not forgive?

[Rattymcratty]

This may be more of a philosophical question than your usual aibu. Well it’s regarding my MIL so maybe it is your regular AIBU!

What is forgiveness? What does forgiveness look like? Does everyone deserve it?

Essentially MIL wants me to ‘forgive and forget’ to move on with family life. She’s constantly mentioning to DH that I’m stubborn, need to have forgiveness, soften up, need to build a bridge, ‘let us put it all behind us’ and ‘forgive and forget’. She really wronged us both, she feels she did nothing wrong, DH went NC for 6 months and I haven’t ‘came around’.

She’s asked DH what she can say/do for me to forgive her which to me defeats the object of wanting forgiveness. She’s brought me flowers and tried to break the ice but I honestly want nothing to do with her. She’s never offered an apology, not reflected that she did any wrong doing and at best only tried to justify her actions.

How can I forgive when she has zero remorse nor took any accountability for what she has done?

Oh fuck all that. Your Dh and your kid should never meet her again

I'm a mental health professional and I think she's a fucking narcissistic fruit loop

Drop kick her

Hell would freeze over before I'd forgive any of that shit.

And your DH...sorry but he's failing you. If his mother starts saying stuff about you he should have your back and tell her to stop/that he's not interested and remind her why you don't want to have anything to do with her. If he is unable to do that himself, he needs to get some counselling so that he does have the tools/skills to chat back.

The blame lies at her door and she needs to be told, once and for all, that her behaviour was/is disgusting. That you don't want your DD being anywhere near someone that toxic.

God, what an odious woman she is.

I still feel like if it bothers her she could start with a proper apology!

Even God only forgives you if you repent of your sins 🤣

I've heard it said that forgiveness is not a selfless act. You do it for yourself.

This is in no way a brag and I'm not trying to sounds smug. My MIL did something I consider to be of a similar magnitude, not with our wedding but when our first child was born. It was an awful, stressful time and she made it substantially worse. It took me a long time but for my own sanity I have, outwardly at least, forgiven her. We chat, hug, and people would say we get on well. I don't get angry when I think about it any more.

BUT I will never, ever, forget what she did. I will never trust her beyond the level of basic niceties. And I'm very ready to stand up to her next time she's bat shit and DCs are in the cross fire. She sowed me who she was and I see her.

You don't need her to agree with your perspective one what she did, because ultimately you don't respect her opinion. You just need to keep her in her box and get on with your life. I think that's what forgiveness looks like sometimes.

That is the other option @AppelationStation but it only works as long as MIL plays nice

MIL has started up again with attempting to break the ice. I still have nothing to do with her. When PIL visit I stay upstairs.

DH last told her a couple of months ago that I want nothing to do with her/needs to accept it and that’s when she accused me of having mental issues.

She’s coming to visit DH & DD on Monday. This week I’ve had a text asking if I’d like her to bring me some tomato plants. She’s recently set up new SM and requested to follow me. According to DH she’s never going to give up (but still no mention of an apology/remorse).

I’m getting sick of these empty peace offerings. I said to DH that I may go do the food shop during the visit and when they’re in the living room I can put it away. If she uses it as an opportunity to talk to me I can blank her. DH said she will definitely take the opportunity to talk to me.

I keep ignoring all communications from
her. More so not to cause drama/arguments.

Im tired of sneaking around in my own house.

After what has occurred, I would not want her either in my home or near my child.
She wanted your husband to choose between the two of you.
A lot of women would have rethought marrying him.
Stay strong and tell your husband to keep her the hell away from you.
She neither cares nor respects you or her son. This is about dominance, control and power.
If she continues to disrespect your wishes, I would be telling your husband you would like to move.
She is a poisonous presence in your life and she wouldn't be near my children.
She ruined your wedding with her batshit behaviour, there is no coming back from that.

It's really disrespectful of your DH to let her into your home when you feel this way. My husband's mother would never be allowed into our home. It's not fair on you to feel so uncomfortable in your own home. If DH still wants contact with her, then he needs to meet her with DD outside of what should be your safe space.

This post says it all. Keep that woman away from our child and out of your house.

I too would say she never sets foot in your home.

I would be asking DH why he chose you just to renegade on that decision.

Fuck no, I would never forgive her. Some remorse might be a start, but she isn’t even showing that! If your DH wants to see her (why? Can’t believe he can forgive her either) that’s up to him, but I would never speak to her again. She’s a psychopath, and sounds quite scary actually.

Your DH should also be NC with them after their behaviour. But if he chooses to see them that 100% should not be I'm your house, it is your sanctuary. Personally I'd be in when they came, give them a piece of my mind, and use that as the opportunity to bsm them from entering your home ever again. Tell DH also to not pass on the messages- tough shit if they harass him about you, it's his choice to interact with them, he doesn't have to, parents or not.

After what she did, she wouldn't be setting foot in my house, and you shouldn't be having to sneak around or be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

If your DH wants to see her (why??) he can see the bitch in her own house.

And I wouldn't be having any texts from her. I'd block her for all eternity.

Why does she get to come to your house? If Dh wants to see her, he can go there. How come she gets to chase you out of your own home? Tell Dh to go see her. Does she see dd? I’d be taking her to visit friends/your family. She is deluded (mh issues?) if she thinks you’re just going to get over it and thinks YOU have issues! Cheeky bitch! Be firm, @Rattymcratty and tell your Dh to man up.

I wouldn’t forgive that behaviour.

They are horrible people.

I feel sad for you and your DH.

They ruined your wedding! That is disgraceful.

Just seen your reply. I would go do the food shop and take DD with you.

Surely DH can go to their house if he wants to see them. I wouldn’t want them in my home ever.

@Rattymcratty

It is a hard thing when it's a family home. Do you have the right to 'ban' your MiL from 'his home'? Does he have the right to 'admit' his mother into 'your home'? Neither of you really has more 'rights' than the other when it comes to visitors. I honestly don't think there's a solution to that part of the problem. I'm not saying that your DH shouldn't be more on your side in this, but apparently that's not going to happen.

I think if it were me I'd absent myself and I'd take DD with me, every single time. In fact, I might even tell my DH that DD & I were getting a room for the night to be sure there was no 'interaction'. As far as the food shop, no I wouldn't do anything that would put me where she could walk in on me and force an 'interaction'. The last thing you want is her blocking you in where you can't get away from her.

As far as her texts, she should be blocked on ALL your communications. If she created a new profile on SM for the express purpose of contacting you, block her. I'm not on SM, but could you report her to the SM website saying she's attempting to contact you through their site after being told by you not to contact you?

You did the right thing having your own intimate wedding without their involvement.
They are toxic and horrible.

I know its a mumsnet trope but you don't (just) have a MIL problem - you have a DH problem.

Your MIL hasn't changed - she is still being rude and disrespectful about you. And your DH is not only allowing that to happen but is allowing it yo happen in your house and is putting you in a position where you need to sneak about your own house feeling uncomfortable. Your DH knows that your mum is behaving like this to you and is allowing it.

I have to be honest - if I was in your shoes and your DH didn't tell her she wasn't welcome in the house - OF HIS OWN VOLITION - I'd be getting out of that marriage.

@Rattymcratty How did the visit go?

Jumping back onto this thread. I’ve got a lot of negative/angry emotions tonight.

A family member asked when are PIL going to see DD again. I made comment along the lines of ‘hopefully never’ and the reply was I can’t swerve them forever/going to get awkward when DD asks for them.

This comment was from the same family member who advised us to pull the plug before we wasted anymore money on the wedding. She knows all the shit that MIL has done pretending she was in hospital for 24 hours when we left for our honeymoon but have no information so DH presumed the worst etc.

The same MIL who caused an argument with DH when she found out I had a small bbq birthday party over the summer as she was very hurt that they had been excluded. They tried to get DH to promise that they would never miss another ‘family’ party.

Or, that she caused a huge fuss on DD first birthday as she was only available for an hour, but didn’t communicate that with DH and was furious that we couldn’t accommodate her last minute in that tiny time frame in the middle of the day. Then tried to bait an argument about Xmas when she wasn’t getting her way dh refused to let her play the victim.

And then it’s a ‘would be nice for OP to join us for a meal out’. I just want to yell:

I WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE A RECEPTION DINNER BUT YOU FUCKING RUINED IT ALL.

Also, the woman has barely learnt a single thing. I’m obviously the wicked wife turning DH away from her and the sooner I come around the better. I don’t want her sinking her venomous claws into DD. If she’s still not playing ball whilst she has to be on best behaviour, god knows what she’s going to be like once she’s sunk into DD and can turn her against us she’s already ‘told’ DD that Nanny would love to see her everyday but her nasty mummy and daddy is keeping her away.

How much energy are you wasting on his awful family?

Where is your DH at with all this?

And what did his brothers say?