Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not forgive?

213 replies

Rattymcratty · 15/11/2023 16:22

This may be more of a philosophical question than your usual aibu. Well it’s regarding my MIL so maybe it is your regular AIBU!

What is forgiveness? What does forgiveness look like? Does everyone deserve it?

Essentially MIL wants me to ‘forgive and forget’ to move on with family life. She’s constantly mentioning to DH that I’m stubborn, need to have forgiveness, soften up, need to build a bridge, ‘let us put it all behind us’ and ‘forgive and forget’. She really wronged us both, she feels she did nothing wrong, DH went NC for 6 months and I haven’t ‘came around’.

She’s asked DH what she can say/do for me to forgive her which to me defeats the object of wanting forgiveness. She’s brought me flowers and tried to break the ice but I honestly want nothing to do with her. She’s never offered an apology, not reflected that she did any wrong doing and at best only tried to justify her actions.

How can I forgive when she has zero remorse nor took any accountability for what she has done?

OP posts:
2jacqi · 17/11/2023 18:01

@Rattymcratty Nah!! I cannot believe your hubby started speaking to them again!!! after what she did and what they threatened to do and resorting to blackmail with your hubby's brothers, I would have totally cut them right out of you and your hubby's lives for ever!! they do not deserve to meet any grandchildren either!!! she is an absolute fruitcake!! did she not realise that while she planned her wedding with her mother then it should also be your mother, not her, helping?? did her mother in law help plan her wedding??

hettie · 17/11/2023 18:02

Like others I think the 'forgiveness' is a red herring. It's more she still doesn't seem to see her behaviour as not ok and that doesn't bode well for her behaviour in the future. It sounds like she wants you to move on and to not be curious/have a discussion about why on earth she behaved in such an awful way.
It's tricky, but I'd be lead by DH. I sure as heck wouldn't trust her ever

sensationalsally · 17/11/2023 18:03

You don't need to forgive, you shouldn't forget. You can, however, put it to one side if you want to. If you don't want to, that should be ok too. In your place, I would (and did) go NC (similar wedding sabotage). DH can do whatever he likes - it's his mother after all. And I would (and did) let him decide re DC.

TammyJones · 17/11/2023 18:07

Dexterwontstopfarting · 17/11/2023 17:50

I don’t think your MIL actually wants your forgiveness. She just wants everything to be more comfortable for her.

@GrumpyOldCrone has nailed it.

THIS

She's a Control Freak who is trying to worm her way back into your lives (to regain control of your lives )

Don't let her ....

Forgive - yes.

But don't forget

And don't let her back in your life ...ever.

Get dh off to therapy asap.

Emotional manipulation, lies , victim,
No self awareness- ever .....

Now at the end of her life , NONE of her children like her......rarely visit....some not at all....

What a legacy...... sad really.

Forgiveness looks like this :

You have a very happy life , and never, ever give her a single thought.

Complete in-difference.

Cumbrianlife · 17/11/2023 18:07

Fuck that. You've every right to the way you feel. I have a similar MIL. If I'd been less naive (I was a very young 23), I'd have done the same. It took me years to stand up for myself and feel I fully had DH's support.

She even tried it with DS who is getting married next year. He made it clear that as grandma she was invited and welcome but it was their day and if she didn't support their wishes they'd understand her not wanting to attend.

TammyJones · 17/11/2023 18:09

*
Meant ti say after 30 odd years my MIL - at the end of her life.

Gnomegnomegnome · 17/11/2023 18:16

She doesn’t want you to forgive she wants you to forget.

I agree with this.

NorthernSpirit · 17/11/2023 18:17

You can’t have a normal relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

I would not forgive her behaviour (personally I think it’s inexcusable).

In time I may forget it and the painful memories with ease.

Coulditreallybe · 17/11/2023 18:18

Absolutely no forgiveness from me for this. And my dh wouldn’t be my dh for long if he wanted me to either…

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 17/11/2023 18:20

Wow.

I couldn't forgive that: the stated refusal to come. The dictate that your DH's brothers couldn't come. The statement that Dh would be disinherited for not doing what his mother wanted. For HIS wedding.

Wow, just wow.

They sound like a group of people your DH may need therapy to 'escape' ... that is not a healthy family dynamic.

KombuchaKalling · 17/11/2023 18:20

I think it’s safe to say you will regret it if you do forgive her. Ultimately she over shadowed and ruined your wedding. She hasn’t apologised, doesn’t seem sorry and fundamentally hasn’t changed. Bet if / when you have children this will ramp her up and she will try to get very controlling yet again

Gnomegnomegnome · 17/11/2023 18:22

I remember you posting before @Rattymcratty.

You did nothing wrong and I believe that you are right to not forgive. Flowers don’t change what she did, in fact it’s quite insulting! She hasn’t apologised, she hasn’t even recognised that what she did is wrong.

I imagine that an awful lot more would come out about her should your Dh seek therapy.

Mrgrinch · 17/11/2023 18:24

She doesn't want forgiveness because she isn't sorry, she wants you to simply forget. She sounds absolutely awful and I would continue with NC.

nocoolnamesleft · 17/11/2023 18:31

Ooof. I generally believe in forgiveness, but that is a lot to forgive. Not surprised you haven't.

Dinosaurpoo · 17/11/2023 18:31

Oh gosh @Rattymcratty she sounds unhinged!

I have a similar situation with mil. She did something a few years back that upset us all. I don’t really care about how she treated me, but I really struggle to forgive and forget how much she upset my lovely dh and our little ds at the time.
I tried to engage her in discussion both face to face and via e-mail when it all kicked off, but she point blank refused. We are quite low contact since and dh is keen to build bridges, but I really struggle to move on. Probably because I’m the kind of person who sorts stuff out in life in general. Mil is very much a “sweep it under the carpet” type. We are so different and I don’t know how it will ever get better.
I have one of those faces that tells you exactly how I feel, so spending time together is awkward 😂 I try my best for dh’s sake, but it’s not easy. I do sometimes feel sad for her that her relationship with dh and our kids has changed so much due to her emotional illiteracy. But I’m still mostly fuming!!

what your mil did sounds terrible. I don’t think I could move on without at least an honest apology. I hope your dh has your back. That’s key in these situations I think.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 17/11/2023 18:31

I can't abide people who can't apologise for their actions. To me, it shows a complete lack of humility and basic care. They think themselves above it, no matter how much they've hurt someone and demonstrating that their pride/ego always comes first for them. There are no lessons learned.

I couldn't (and haven't) 'forgiven' or 'forgotten' in the past when there hasn't been a heartfelt apology, because my feelings aren't just an inconvenience or obstacle to what someone else wants.

Fantasyanswer · 17/11/2023 18:35

I would not forgive that unless she had some sort of damascene conversion, realised what she had done, could articulate it and begged forgiveness.

I would go no contact altogether.

Greenberg2 · 17/11/2023 18:36

PersephonePomegranate23 · 17/11/2023 18:31

I can't abide people who can't apologise for their actions. To me, it shows a complete lack of humility and basic care. They think themselves above it, no matter how much they've hurt someone and demonstrating that their pride/ego always comes first for them. There are no lessons learned.

I couldn't (and haven't) 'forgiven' or 'forgotten' in the past when there hasn't been a heartfelt apology, because my feelings aren't just an inconvenience or obstacle to what someone else wants.

I love this post. And a brilliant one from @GrumpyOldCrone too.

The bit that I really would struggle to forgive is trying to suck everyone else into her perspective and threatening to cut them off if they don't. This is not new behaviour. Your DH would have grown up instinctively knowing that she would abandon him if he didn't tow the line. People like this are extremely dangerous emotionally. They can destroy you as they don't accept that your feelings are valid in the slightest. Only their feelings count and they will annihilate you if you don't accept that.

Minglingpringle · 17/11/2023 18:39

I agree with this. You don’t need to forgive or forget. You can learn from your experience and keep your heart locked away from her forever.

But you can also enable your husband to have a full relationship with her. There’s nothing to be gained by allowing their relationship to be ruined. As long has he understands how you feel and supports you, and it sounds like he does, you can leave them to get on with it, while being polite and a bit friendly to her when necessary, but not getting drawn into more contact than is necessary.

Rise above it as has already been said. And pity her as @Aria999 said.

peachgreen · 17/11/2023 18:39

In general I am on the side of forgiveness, and I could forgive my MIL meddling in my wedding, even to that unhinged extent, but asking your DH to choose between you and them is unforgivable and I wouldn’t blame you for never getting over it. I’m sorry OP.

mumedu · 17/11/2023 18:40

When you forgive, you do it for yourself not for the other person. Read 'The Book of Forgiving' by Desmond Tutu.

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/11/2023 18:41

Hell no! I would not forgive and I would not forget. I'd also be very wary of allowing any children to be close to them or see them alone because they are emotionally abusive people.

Phobiaphobic · 17/11/2023 18:41

She sounds like a fucking sociopath. I'd never be forgiving that either. I'd be NC forever and over my dead body would she get a chance to manipulate my kids.

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/11/2023 18:43

I totally disagree with @Minglingpringle. It's not and should never be your job to enable your husband's relationship with his parents.

PeppermintMandy · 17/11/2023 18:46

Forgiveness for me isn’t about the person who wronged you. It’s about you deciding to not give it any more of your time or energy. You don’t need an apology to forgive. You can just say to yourself, she did that because she’s got her own issues which she refuses to work on and that’s just sad. Then put boundaries in place for the future. To me forgiveness isn’t “let’s pretend it never happened and go back to normal”.