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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

258 replies

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:17

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 15/11/2023 10:29

My work would not be able to 'just give time off' for something like this. It would have to fit in with other peoples holiday requests and work needing completing.
However if there wasnt a time limit to collect the inheritance I would have expected the offer to go with you and book it as holiday days as soon as it would fit in with work.

Gardeningtime · 15/11/2023 10:31

I can see why he wasn’t keen, is it a country you don’t feel safe in, is that the issue?

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:32

Unfortunately no, it's a fixed date, but the date was irrelevant as he had no AL left. He'd still have to take time off for wraparound care as I'm not taking our son if going on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:36

Gardeningtime · 15/11/2023 10:31

I can see why he wasn’t keen, is it a country you don’t feel safe in, is that the issue?

No, it's not that. It's just that it reminds me that I'm alone, and I don't like that feeling.

It's not about feeling unsafe or anything like that.

OP posts:
TheChosenTwo · 15/11/2023 10:36

How long will you be waiting on your own?
Hours? days? weeks? Don’t really understand why 2 people waiting together doing nothing is better than 1 person waiting on their own, reading (if it’s hours) or chilling out in a hotel (if days/weeks).
There’s quite a lot of important info missing from the OP really to make much of an assumption.
On the face of I’m saying YABU and dh is NBU to take leave from work to sit next to you, also waiting, but I might change my mind if you share anything else relevant!

TheChosenTwo · 15/11/2023 10:37

Cross posted.
I think you’re being ridiculous. What about the being alone on the plane? Why is that but alright but not the waiting?
I think this is all a bit weird, or a reverse.

Rachie1973 · 15/11/2023 10:39

I think not wanting to ‘wait alone’ is odd to be fair.

AliasGrape · 15/11/2023 10:39

It sort of depends on why you don't want to be alone - I'm guessing it's not particularly a safety thing if you'd be willing to take your son assuming husband came with you.

Is it more emotional support?

I understand what you mean about the default answer shouldn't be no, and he shouldn't need convincing - but if my DH asked me to ask work for time off (assuming it will be more than one day to include travel etc) when I've no annual leave left, to come and sit with him whilst he filled out a form and then waited for a bank transfer to go through, and we'd have to drag our DC with us too and presumably take them out of school/ their existing childcare arrangements - my answer would probably be no to start with too - I wouldn't need convincing exactly, but he'd need to explain why he needed me there or at least stress that it was really important to him.

OrigamiOwl · 15/11/2023 10:43

Oh that's a bit of an odd one. I can't imagine his workplace would automatically give him time off for you to collect an inheritance.
But he does sound selfish. He should realise being married means some compromis and doing things without a specifically personal benefit. Surely you paying off the Mortgage is of direct benefit to him tho?!

Gardeningtime · 15/11/2023 10:45

I think you’re being unreasonable, he’s got no leave left, you’re a grown up, insisting he comes as you don’t like feeling alone is odd.

Lammveg · 15/11/2023 10:47

On this specific thing I don't think your DH is unreasonable. If he has no leave left and he's just going to be waiting with you there's not much point in him coming IMO. Sorry that you will find it hard though, try and take some things to keep you occupied?

You likely feel this way because of how he's acted in the past and his quick dismissive 'no' rather then him being compassionate to your feelings.

Gardeningtime · 15/11/2023 10:48

Lammveg · 15/11/2023 10:47

On this specific thing I don't think your DH is unreasonable. If he has no leave left and he's just going to be waiting with you there's not much point in him coming IMO. Sorry that you will find it hard though, try and take some things to keep you occupied?

You likely feel this way because of how he's acted in the past and his quick dismissive 'no' rather then him being compassionate to your feelings.

I’m not sure, I mean if all her demands are like this one, then I can see why his default is no. There comes a point even a saint would default to no.

AliasGrape · 15/11/2023 10:48

Ahh cross posted. Honestly, I can understand it's hard in terms of being a reminder of having lost family members/ not having family left. I've lost both my birth and adoptive parents and it's a lonely and 'final' feeling - although I do have other family members.

But I don't think it makes sense to drag DH and DC with you unless you're really struggling with it. It will be emotional I'm sure, but I think I'd almost prefer to be alone and just get on with it, then get a bit of extra TLC once home.

ElderMillenials · 15/11/2023 10:48

It's difficult, but presumably any time off would be unpaid? You haven't said how long you will be there, but what's the implications of that, can you afford it even if his employer agreed?

It's not guaranteed that they would grant the time off if he had no AL left, and being flexible for wraparound care is different and more manageable than time off. Not U to want him to at least enquire about the time off or want him with you but it's reasonable for him to not be able to take the time off (or take dc out of school if they're school age).

If it's a few days, then it's not U of him to expect you to be able to go alone, if it's weeks then it's not U of you to not want to be alone for an extended time.

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:49

I'm fine with flying on my own. But it's more of being a foreigner in the city that I was raised in but have nothing left there

OP posts:
TwistTheRibs · 15/11/2023 10:50

Presumably the problem here is there will be no-one to look after your DS when you go? How old is he? Is there wraparound care at his school?

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/11/2023 10:50

How much unpaid leave would you be expecting him to ask for?

Are you also intending to take your children out of school to go with you?

rookiemere · 15/11/2023 10:52

I think on this particular matter YABU.

He has no annual leave left and it isn't known how long this matter may take. WFH and flexible hours for childcare whilst you deal with an urgent family matter is an easier ask.

Without back history it's impossible to gauge if expecting you to be on your own in the place you grew up in is unreasonable or not.

TwistTheRibs · 15/11/2023 10:52

Ah, cross post. He may well not be able to get time off at such short notice. I don't think that's unreasonable. You would surely be okay going alone as you were raised there? And even if not, unless it was a dangerous place, people travel alone all the time.

AliasGrape · 15/11/2023 10:53

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:49

I'm fine with flying on my own. But it's more of being a foreigner in the city that I was raised in but have nothing left there

I think that's understandable and people are being a bit harsh calling you ridiculous - it WILL feel strange and sad I'm sure.

How long will you need to be there?

He's said he will come now, and if that's really what you feel like you need then take him up on it.

Practically/ logically it would make far more sense for him to stay home though - but sometimes these things bring up big emotions and there's nothing wrong with that. Do you feel supported emotionally by him/ able to talk about how this is all making you feel/ like he's concerned and caring about what this might be bringing up for you - I wonder if he could show a bit more of that side you wouldn't feel so much like he needs to physically be there on the day.

Ihatethenewlook · 15/11/2023 10:55

TwistTheRibs · 15/11/2023 10:50

Presumably the problem here is there will be no-one to look after your DS when you go? How old is he? Is there wraparound care at his school?

The op says he will have to stay off as wouldn’t be able to work around the childcare. Given that the op is presumably going to pull the child out of school anyway so she can drag her entire family to this country for no reason, I have no idea why she can’t just go with her dc so at least one of them can stay home and continue to earn a living

TheBeesKnee · 15/11/2023 10:55

I think YANBU.

Are you intending to use the money to pay off the mortgage? I would consider this very carefully, you might be happier long term buying your own property without him if he's a selfish, inconsiderate partner.

Towerofsong · 15/11/2023 10:56

Have you got a friend who fancies a few days holiday and would travel with you? Maybe you could cover her flight costs and you can have a nice few days away. I don't think it is fair to expect your DH to supply all your emotional needs especially when he has no AL to take. His employers would not regard waiting with his wife as something requiring compassionate leave.

TheHorneSection · 15/11/2023 10:57

How long will you have to be there for?

5128gap · 15/11/2023 10:58

He is coming with you though? Though not ideal, I don't think its too terrible then that his first response to something difficult to arrange was negative, given he agreed once you'd explained.

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