Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

258 replies

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:17

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 15/11/2023 11:34

is there no option to do it next year, when AL allowed again - if its waited that long?

I'd expect husband to offer that as a suggestion/compromise.

though i'd be thinking do i really want to share this inheritance with this man who doesn't support me? and maybe leaving it "stuck" until i was over that feeling or divorced.

Rewis · 15/11/2023 11:35

Does he have plenty of annual leave left and work is very flexible so it's just that he doesn't want to?

I think this is a case of when your partner hasn't shown up for you in the past so now you are looking at all the events through a negative lense. I had a phase like this.

I don't think in this case he is unreasonable. A lot of jobs don't give you them of for wife's relatives death. Heck, my partners job couldn't even let him work his non-customer facing office job 8-4 ( instead of 9-5) one day so he could make it to my grandmother's funeral.

UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2023 11:35

I think this must be a very emotional time for the OP so I'm not surprised at all she doesn't want to wait alone and wants some support.

Thedm · 15/11/2023 11:37

In this case, you really are being unreasonable. For goodness sake, just go alone. He doesn’t have annual leave left. Work won’t just give him extra time off; he’ll have to ask for unpaid leave, and it can affect his job when they know it’s just a holiday. It isn’t a funeral. It’s a holiday.

You don’t need help with this. You’re an adult. Be an adult.

He may have a terrible history of being selfish, but in this case, you’re the one being selfish and a bit ridiculous.

Londonscallingme · 15/11/2023 11:41

I can understand why this would be an emotional trip for you and that you would therefore benefit from the emotional support. I would expect my OH to offer to come with me if it were possible with childcare etc.

Im very sorry for you loss x

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/11/2023 11:43

I wouldn't be conformable asking my boss for unpaid leave when I've run out of annual leave, for a non emergency. Travelling with you so you don't feel like a stranger in the city you were from isn't an emergency.

I think yabu here sorry

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2023 11:43

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 11:23

I can, but it doesn't make it any less lonely

Show quote history

The way he carries on it must be lonely if he's there!

What's the point of him?

MrsHarrisAParis · 15/11/2023 11:44

Is there a reason why you can't take a friend? Because if your DH comes with you, then you'll also have the 4-yr-old with you and you've just said the 4yrold can't wait in the offices and the courts - so it means you'll still be doing all the inheritance stuff on own. It's just your DH and DC will be in the same country as you but they won't physically be with you.
Neither DH or I would expect the other one to come with us in these circumstances. And as for the health tourism, yy it is nice to have support but sometimes the logistics don't work especially when you have a DC and a job.
If you think your DH has changed, it's unfair to hark back to the earlier issues. Either you're moving on from it or you're not. But if you're not, then you might need to accept this relationship doesn't work for you any more.

HereIAmThereYouAre · 15/11/2023 11:46

I think other posts are pretty harsh here. I'm assuming OP that this is a city where you grew up, you have lost your remaining parent (or other close relative), and going back to deal with this is going to be very painful and bring back a lot of memories/emotions. I think it's perfectly natural to find that difficult - I know I would. OP from what you've described you DH doesn't sound supportive. In my marriage DH & I are a team, and face anything difficult together. If he couldn't go with me he'd be doing everything he could to support me in every way possible. And he sure as hell wouldn't have left me to do hospital visits during a cancer scare on my own. I had one last year and he was there for everything that he could possibly manage, no question. I'm sorry that your DH doesn't automatically have your back, you shouldn't have to force him to be more caring.

Catza · 15/11/2023 11:46

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 11:30

It's a week' wait. Yes, I go out without my husband quite a bit. I travel for work frequently.

It's about being left alone in my country feeling like a complete foreigner/stranger

But that is everything to do with how you feel and very little to do with the practicalities. I moved out of my birth country 20 years ago but I am still happy to go there and "be a stranger" - doing touristy things and such. I also have a property abroad and, at times, have to go to courts, tax office and banks to solve issues. While I appreciate company, I have never felt put out when told no by my partner - he has work and I can't expect him to be there to hold my hand while I deal with MY affairs.
You can't take your son with you so surely you'd need your husband at home doing childcare. Is it really about you wanting to take your son with you and for your partner doing the babysitting abroad? I just can't find a reasonable explanation for your request no matter how I look at it.

billy1966 · 15/11/2023 11:47

Why are you putting this money into the morgage, a marital asset?

Your husband is a selfish arsehole.

Put your inheritance into a sole bank account in YOUR name.

No way would I be paying off the morgage if I was married to an arsehole.

He hasn't changed a bit.

HereIAmThereYouAre · 15/11/2023 11:52

@billy1966 Why are you putting this money into the morgage, a marital asset?

Your husband is a selfish arsehole.

Put your inheritance into a sole bank account in YOUR name.

No way would I be paying off the morgage if I was married to an arsehole.

This was my thought. Although putting the money into a sole account won't protect it in the event of a divorce. OP to be honest if this was me, I would be thinking carefully about whether I wanted to continue in this marriage, and getting urgent legal advice regarding trying to protect this money during a divorce, although it may not be possible.

labmum567 · 15/11/2023 11:52

I understand how you feel but if he doesn't have annual leave then he doesn't have annual leave. If someone had died he may be able to get compassionate leave but I can't imagine many employers giving it for something like this.

Thedm · 15/11/2023 11:53

billy1966 · 15/11/2023 11:47

Why are you putting this money into the morgage, a marital asset?

Your husband is a selfish arsehole.

Put your inheritance into a sole bank account in YOUR name.

No way would I be paying off the morgage if I was married to an arsehole.

He hasn't changed a bit.

It doesn’t matter where the money is. The money itself is a marital asset and would still be split however they decided in mediation or by a judge.

justdontknow3828 · 15/11/2023 11:54

If you aren't happy with your husband, then perhaps arrange to collect the inheritance later on after you have done something about it. I'm sure he will be happy to accept the money, even if he doesn't want to support you now. He will legally own half once it's come into your economy.

westwoods · 15/11/2023 11:56

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:36

No, it's not that. It's just that it reminds me that I'm alone, and I don't like that feeling.

It's not about feeling unsafe or anything like that.

Show quote history

Wow.... From your OP I thought you were afraid of being robbed while waiting or something

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 11:57

Well it's me saying good bye to my birth realistically (now that this has been sorted) that I'll ever go back. So it's a mourning in its own way. The point is that apart from my DH and DC I have nobody else left to die, so to me it's the death of what was left of my family even if that happened years ago.

i only have one friend that I could ask her to come with me (it did cross my mind) but she's travelling herself.

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 15/11/2023 11:58

Surely it's more sensible he stays home with DC. I don't see why needs to go with you. I'd also be a bit cautious about using all that money to clear what I assume is a joint mortgage. Don't you want to keep some for yourself?

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 11:58

westwoods · 15/11/2023 11:56

Wow.... From your OP I thought you were afraid of being robbed while waiting or something

Show quote history

Statistically it's the most dangerous country for women (I think or it's pretty up there) but no, I've never felt unsafe.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 15/11/2023 11:59

If you had to travel to somewhere like the West Bank then yanbu but it sounds like Yabu expecting company.
He sounds very unreasonable in always saying no and having to be convinced that it's a good idea. Are you sure that you don't want to use the money to start a new life away from this angry man baby? Or is being alone something that scares you?

TwoDozenWomen · 15/11/2023 12:00

Its become unreasonable for women to expect companionship from their marriage. I don't think YABU, but I'd keep the money and use it to start over. I wouldn't waste it on someone who has to be persuaded to spend time with me.

Mikimoto · 15/11/2023 12:01

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 11:23

I can, but it doesn't make it any less lonely

Show quote history

So...the long and short of it is that you don't know how to go on holiday by yourself?
Maybe go with a stash of self-help books...

westwoods · 15/11/2023 12:02

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 11:57

Well it's me saying good bye to my birth realistically (now that this has been sorted) that I'll ever go back. So it's a mourning in its own way. The point is that apart from my DH and DC I have nobody else left to die, so to me it's the death of what was left of my family even if that happened years ago.

i only have one friend that I could ask her to come with me (it did cross my mind) but she's travelling herself.

Did you have to beg/persuade him, or just explain to him? First one is bad obvs.

I would probably say no too if my partner said they just didn't want to be alone. If my partner then nicely explained the emotional impact, I would see what I could do in terms of getting work leave if possible (but no promises yet).

I wouldn't magically know if they hadn't explained, but I don't think that should count against me as them having to "persuade". Also, if they jumped straight to emotional accusations about how hard this would be for them etc etc, it might not be the best way to get the other person to agree immediately.

Princessfluffy · 15/11/2023 12:03

I think it's fine to ask him for emotional support if you need it.

Not fine to expect an employer to grant extra annual leave in these circumstances although of course fine to make the request. Since his employer has agreed that's fortunate.

Maybe find some other emotional support for yourself in general so you are not relying solely on DH for this as he doesn't seem to have a great track record. Counselling maybe.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 15/11/2023 12:04

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 11:30

It's a week' wait. Yes, I go out without my husband quite a bit. I travel for work frequently.

It's about being left alone in my country feeling like a complete foreigner/stranger

In that case, can you try to reframe it by thinking of the trip as a work trip (for which you are being paid £££££ per day)?