I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

[feelingstucktoday]

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

you could always seperate from him before you collect the inheritence and use the ££ to buy a new house on your own without him.

Just saying ....

And yes I thought if treating it like a business trip too! I even thought of waiting in a 3rd country and having a "mini break".

Considering how costly it is to bring him, I thought eff it I might as well buy a neverfull/ go to the spa every day, etc... but ultimately with my ex husband it was the same. In 8-9 years together he wouldn't go unless we were doing something apart from visiting family and even then he wouldn't come, because he didn't like them that much (he did come twice in all of those years). When I met my now husband I did tell him how unsupported by my ex I felt, and he said he understood.

I also had a chat with a friend (that he knows) that I only used as a reference that he didn't immediately changed his mind (because he claimed it was almost instant and didn't need persuading) and then he started going on about how he needed to talk to her because "I was misrepresenting his character".

Oh, you are so V unreasonable.

You want him there to be an emotional dumping ground for you because you don't want to be alone. That's fine. But you guilt tripped him into it when he didn't have any annual leave left to take and now you're complaining about him not jumping for joy at being asked to be your emotional dumping ground for a week.

We've all had to do horrible things alone before. Most of us manage to do it without needing someone there.

Your past issues with your DP and hurt over your bereavement (for which you have my condolences) is probably clouding your judgment here.

Edit: Just seen your update about telling him you spoke to your friend about him and him being upset! I'd have been really hurt if that was my DP slagging me off to a mate and then telling me about it. Tbh the more you post the more unreasonable I think you are. You're coming across as whiny and manipulative - it appears to be 'I want this and my DP must do it.'

You realise you don't have to put your inheritance into the marital pot..? As your relationship isn't stable, it might be wise to take advice on this.

You aren't unreasonable to expect your husband to be more supportive.

You are being unreasonable to have expectations of his employer to just let him go abroad for something he doesn't especially need to be there for. It isn't akin to a death, it is admin which doesn't require him to be there. I have a pretty laid back employer and couldn't foresee them being overly enthusiastic or positive if I requested this. If he's using annual leave, and he's not requesting it outside of policy then its nobodies business.

I honestly thought if an inheritance WASN'T ploughed into a shared asset like a morgage etc., it could be protected.

If I was the OP, I would still be putting it into a sole account and getting legal advice.

I wouldn't be paying off a shared morgage with someone who treats me poorly.

This may not be the point, but I’d kill to ditch my DH and toddler for a week away by myself! Especially to pick up £200k, I’d be chomping at the bit. I’d relax, sleep, read, sightsee, it would be lush. Unfortunately this would never happen for me, so I can only dream 😂

from your posts I think it sounds like he has been shit in the past but I think YABU this time. Also, if he put the work in and changed after you gave him an ultimatum you have to forgive and forget. You can’t keep battering him with old wounds. Have you had therapy at all to help you both move forward?

I wonder if it’s Spain? My parents still had money in Spain after they left and it was complicated to get it sorted out and they had to be there in person.

This may sound insensitive, but given your comment about safety, are there cultural reasons at play here eg: do the lawyers/ courts expect to deal with a man?

I do know how you feel about ‘going back’ - I haven’t been back to my home town since clearing my mum’s house after she died a few years ago, and I only live 200 miles away! And I understand that past interactions when you’ve asked your DH for support are affecting how you’re feeling now.

However, the facts are that he doesn’t have any annual leave left, and it’s not clear how responsive his employer would be to a request for additional leave.

Plus, as your DS would also be coming along, I wonder if your DH is thinking that a week where he’ll spend most of his time entertaining DS (from your descriptions) vs a week at home where he’s at work and DS is at nursery/ in his usual routine would not be as relaxing/ like a holiday as you suggest.

I'm afraid YABU this time.
There is absolutely no need for him to fly to another country with your child and then sit around while you have meetings just because you don't want to feel lonely. I'm sorry but you are coming across very needy.
I can understand it's emotional saying goodbye to a country you grew up in because there are no more family ties to it but it's something you have to deal with. Your DH being there is not going to make it any easier and in fact would just be a distraction from you actually having time to process your feelings about it.
You would be much better off going on your own and making a plan of activities to do when you don't have meetings. You can go to favourite places and enjoy the memories. Yes, you might become upset and cry but that is actually a good thing as it helps the grief process.

You say he was shit in the past and has improved. The cancer example was pretty bad on his part. He should have supported you more there. But this time, no, YABU.

I don't think YABU.

DH has always asked for time off if needed, even if it was unlikely to be agreed to - example, a friend of my family died, I was very upset and wanted DH there, his work wouldn't agree to the time off. I was sad he couldn't come with me, but I knew he'd tried, that he cared and would have been with me if he could.

Oh and get some legal advice on protecting the inheritance because, being completely honest, your relationship doesn't sound that great and could easily fall apart.
Especially if you continue to behave the way you have about this trip OR if he slips back into being unsupportive in other situations.

I think you're framing this trip in a very negative way and pre-supposing how sad and lonely it will be when that's not necessarily the case and you're capable of framing it however you like to make it more positive or bearable. And even sad and lonely experiences can lead to positive things and surprise us. It sounds like DH has been a problem in the past so that's affecting how you've taken his reaction to this, but really YABU to expect him to come when his AL is used up and this is not a good reason for him to push for extra leave. You're a grown up and it's your home country, you could cope without him and even have a better time there without him if you set your mind to it. Framing it as such a tragic goodbye is a bit much. You don't know what the future holds.

This is my understanding too.

I think it can become a marital asset depending how it's used, but I don't think it automatically is one. If it's held separately, it's more likely to stay out of any division of assets, but chucking it into joint accounts or spending it on the mortgage/renovations etc will likely change its status.

Obviously it would ultimately be for the lawyers to thrash out, but I don't think it's as simple as it's his equally because they're married.

YABU and very needy. He doesn't have the annual leave. You need to learn to deal with negative emotions.

From what you have said OP, it feels like there are issues on both sides. Maybe use some of the inheritance for couples counselling and some solo therapy for yourself.

If he came with me, he'd be looking after our son only one day, with seven days of a mini holiday.

I didn't really think it was that bad you asking till I seen this reason, I think your being ridiculous

I agree with this. Think very carefully and get the best of legal advice.

I can't credit the lack of empathy here - or from your husband.

This is huge for you emotionally, and he should try to find a way around it if he possibly can. Maybe he should have held back some annual leave for this eventuality!

He can take it unpaid - with £200k coming, it shouldn't be a problem!!

People are so horrible.

This is were YANBU and he let you down. But right now you are being so utterly ridiculous. Why on earth do you think his work has any reason to give him this time off? This is why he probably thinks he's right and he is which might make him think you are overall a difficult person. And while you wait could be an indefinite time so you expect him to hang around wasting AL?

I don't agree at all.

I'm trying to figure out how he asks his boss about this?

"Hi Boss. I know I have no annual leave left, but my wife wants to go and collect her massive inheritance. She's feeling a bit emotional about it, even though the person died a long time ago, and she wants me and DS to come along so we can have a little mini holiday and I can go and comfort here while she's at the bank on day 1. You have no problem with that right!?"

Come on OP, be reasonable.

But he doesn't need to say any of that because your reasons and request are still ridiculously UR. It's a waste of AL. Sounds like you still want to prove that he hasn't changed but you're coming across very difficult.

YANBU OP. I understand why you don't want to be there alone. I am not sure why people think that this is unreasonable. My partner would come with me in this circumstance, no questions asked.

This is a unique situation. He can ask for unpaid leave.

He'd be getting a free holiday - and benefitting from the OP's large inheritance.

This is a hill I would be prepared to die on, quite frankly.

Maybe you have never lost a loved one but the OP could certainly use some emotional support. Doesn't look she is going to get it from her husband.