I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

[feelingstucktoday]

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

Well yes, I've been telling than rather than having to say no initially he could have said "let me see what I can do"....

Last year I and a cancer scare. We went on a beach holiday and then did some health tourism (around the cancer) but he left me to deal with the hospitals on my own (after we had enjoyed the beach holiday).

Same time but now back over here... The day after I received the news he refused to stay with me at home. I had to beg him to do it..

It might be unfair because he has changed, but the list goes on.

You want him to take unpaid leave and the added expense of travelling so that you don't have to collect an inheritance alone? I feel like either there is way more to this story that I am missing or you are extraordinarily needy and insecure.

In the unlikely event that was me - fly into the country, organise the logistics and financial issues, take a few good books and/or do some shopping while I'm waiting around, fly back. done.

In that case I think YABU. You don’t need someone there with you to wait for a bank transfer to complete. Just ‘not liking the feeling’ isn’t a good enough reason to expect your DH to come with you.

How is he selfish and inconsiderate for not having any annual leave left? The op is not a child and is fully capable of going to do a bank transfer on her own. And he has actually agreed to do it, despite him probably getting into shit at work. Though the op had kind of blackmailed him into that by refusing to take their child with her unless he comes so he’ll have to take time off work to take care of him anyway. I’d say the op was more inconsiderate and selfish making him stay off work and pulling her child out of school because she apparently can’t do this all by herself like a normal grown up would

Okay, I just saw your update.

It sounds like in the past, when you have had a genuine need of his emotional support, he has not been there for you. As a result, you are now oversensitive to what is normal/acceptable in terms of expectations for emotional support.

Asking for support while researching health issues - totally reasonable and you were understandably upset he didn't do that. Asking for him to come with you to collet an inheritance because you don't want to do it alone - unreasonable and needy.

If he has changed after this ultimatum - why are you harking back to the past? If you want to move forward with this issue and him, then you can't hold on to everything that ever happened if you want to go forward happily and for him to keep up the change.

This scenario you've posted about is sad, if he has zero AL left I can't imagine his work doing this. Also if he comes with you, who would look after DC? If you're not wanting to take them with you that is! It makes sense he would just say he was unable to go imo.

I get you OP. I wouldn't want to go alone either and wouldn't want have to convince my DH at length every time I needed/wanted him to do something with me/for me. It would make me feel very unsupported. Obviously they can't always be there but it would be the immediate "no" every time followed by a lengthy justifying conversation that we leave be feeling unsupported. Also bloody exhausting!

You do seem to need a lot of emotional support tbh. That's not unreasonable as such - some people do- but it does explain why you constantly feel let down because most of what you're asking wouldn't occur to most people.

Are you worried about carrying that much money in whatever form? Can you have it paid directly into your bank account? Sorry if I'm missing the point.....

Why would she pull her child out of school just because she's going abroad for a few days? The normal thing to do would be to expect her husband to deal with them whilst she's away.

Those about asking about our child, he's in nursery so not school. I can't take him on my own as I'll be in and out from courts and lawyer offices, so not the best environment for a 4yo.

It is directly benefitting him as the mortgage will be paid.
Is there an option for him to take unpaid leave?

Why are you asking me? She’s the one who said that her husband will be unable to work around their child’s school/childcare hours. So he’ll be out of school either way

You say his default answer is "no" if there is no obvious benefit to him. Bloody hell, considering your inheritance is going to pay off the mortgage this is a huge benefit to him. If he can get the time off work without too much agony, I think the least he can do is accompany you and make a nice little holiday out of it. I don't see what's wrong with wanting emotional support from your spouse. Surely that's what a solid relationship is all about, or maybe I'm weird.

Are you sure you want your husband to share in your inheritance?

I voted YANBU, but having read your follow up replies, I would say YABU.

Your DH has no annual leave left. I can't think of an employer who would be anything other than reluctant to give leave in these circumstances. Time to put your big girl pants on. Hopefully you can find something to enjoy from your trip, despite the circumstances.

Why can't you go sightseeing during the waiting period? Or sit in a cafe with a book?

I can, but it doesn't make it any less lonely

How long is the wait? Hours, days, weeks?
Who will look after your child if DH isn’t here?
Can you just wait in your hotel room with a book?

You need to learn to cope with negative emotions. It isn’t nice to feel lonely but it’s a normal, healthy emotion and it won’t kill you. I think you are asking too much to want your DH to come with you because you’d be lonely sightseeing for a couple of hours in your own.

I’d love to go on my own…..

Do you never go out without your husband?

I would be asking a friend to accompany me in these circumstances, and cover all expenses.

It's a week' wait. Yes, I go out without my husband quite a bit. I travel for work frequently.

It's about being left alone in my country feeling like a complete foreigner/stranger

Book yourself something nice to do, that you wouldn’t normally do at home and enjoy yourself.

I love my own company, I always want to eat at the same restaurants, so the same things and find myself incredibly witty #introverted