I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

[feelingstucktoday]

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

So you asked him to come and he said no. When he understood how strongly you felt, he agreed to come.

Frankly, in this instance I think YABU.

Having said that, I understand there is history that you can’t easily just get over. You felt unsupported when you were ill and this just feels like more of the same.

But really, is being on your own in a city you know well so awful? It’s not so terrible to feel lonely for a week, is it? Unless something terrible happened to you there that you haven’t said anything about?

I don’t know anyone in my home town anymore, either, so If it were me, I would take myself to the places I knew growing up and see how things had changed. I’d take some good books to read. I’d visit the art gallery. Maybe see what’s on at the local theatre. Go to the cinema once or twice. I wouldn’t love it, but it would be okay.

What I’m saying is, are you being over sensitive about this, because of the past? When what happened in the past was really quite different.

Sorry, but I think yabu. Sure it would be nice to have someone to hang out with, especially if where you are brings up memories etc. But it’s totally unreasonable to expect your DH to take time off work and to instantly anticipate your needs when quite frankly your needs are a bit ott.

I think you are playing games and testing the relationship. And he knows that.

I don't think there should be any question around whether you are BU or NBU to want your DH there with you while waiting for the money to come through. For many emotional reasons you would like him to come with you and support you. That's not for us to judge as right or wrong imo. You've clearly been through a lot and in this, you are asking for his support. What is more, it is for something that will ultimately benefit him too!

He should have just said yes (or at least he'd try and get the time off work) and freely given you the support rather than making you convince him that your needs are worthwhile.

Are you sure he has actually changed or is he just doing what you want due to the ultimatum and will slip back any chance he gets?

Fwiw, in England at least, I believe inheritance can be kept by one party if there are enough other assets and it is kept out of the family pot. See: https://www.divorce.co.uk/your-finances/inheritance
So it may be worth considering whether you want to pay off the mortgage with it or if you need to give your relationship a bit more time to see if it has a future.

So I had to persuade him... So said things like "maybe if we go to the beach while we wait" or "I'll get a nice hotel with a pool" then he started considering it.

The whole point is that instead of saying "no, because of X,Hz" he could have just said "I'll ask my boss, you know how he is, but also I understand how important/difficult it is for you so I'll try my best"

I can understand why you would want him there. I think also if his initial reaction hadn't been no, but 'let me see what I can do' you would have felt more supported.

I understand the feeling of returning to your home city to say 'goodbye' to it. It can be quite emotional.

I think you are emotionally finding this daunting. Which I get. It’s saying goodbye to a chapter of your life.

But you expect him to understand that. And jump at the chance to take unpaid leave, to hang around in a country neither of you want to be in. Spending the week with you going in and out of solicitors, while he keeps ds entertained hanging round waiting for you to keep attending solicitors appointments.

Doesn’t sound fun for anyone. I appreciate you feel he isn’t there for you. But I also think you believe he has to agree with what you want to be ‘there for you’. That’s not really realistic.

Sounds like the whole trip is going to a pain and non fun for anyone. Especially, your ds. It’s not surprising he doesn’t want to go. He is allowed an opinion when you are asking him to put himself out quite a lot.

Blind agreement and not expressing his own opinion on your plans (that are directly impacting him) can’t be the only way for him to prove he is there for you. It actually sounds a little controlling from your position. You told him he needs to be there for you more. He has been. But he has expressed he doesn’t want to do something and you are turning it into ‘you aren’t there for me. If you were you would just agree to what I want straight away’. It’s almost like he can’t express his thoughts and opinions, or you will accuse him of not being there. That’s a form of coercion.

Good Advice.

I think with the issue of your DH's leave and childcare issues, and the administrative tasks that you will have to spend your time on - that it seems more practical for you do go on your own.

However, it seems from what you've said it's a question of you worrying in advance that you will feel lonely and emotional and bereft and you worry that the visit will trigger grief and you may want some emotional support with you for that.

Have you considered talking to a bereavement counsellor about this and your GP ? To help you prepare for the trip?

Are you worried that you might break down and cry in the offices? You are dealing with bereavement and they will think nothing of you taking a short break to calm yourself. They've seen it all before and will do their best to be kind and help you get through it. It's in their interests to do that. I once was in a difficult situation and to my great embarrassment did break down but they were so kind and nice that we managed to get through it and get on with the task in hand.

Given the practicalities, having DH and DS there, hanging around, bored and waiting, might make it more difficult in some ways and harder for them to be the emotional support you want in some ways.
Maybe it would be enough to be connected to your DH and son on the phone/facetime, having talked to your DH in advance about what you need? Just Knowing that he's going to be available may be half the battle? Have you got any friends at homeyouu can also be in contact with, who would be willing to listen or call you once or twice during the week - that way you would still feel connected and less alone.

It might even be nice to take pictures of the city and places you do remember so that you can send them to DH and DS as a lighthearted casual talking point to start off with rather than just having a conversation that you both worry might be along the lines of "Hello now I'm going talk about deep emotional issues" - it might be less daunting for you all to have something relatively lighthearted to kick off the conversation and help normalize the situation?

I also think if you took the advice from pp above, about planning nice things to do, when you are not in solicitors offices - there are always interesting places to visit in a big city, nice restaurants etc.. and build yourself a full schedule, take some guided tours so you are not wandering on your own - you would feel less lost - because you'd already got a list of places at your fingertips where you could be. Take some good books, load your ipad/phone with some good "episodes" and keep yourself distracted in the long evenings. .

You may even end up feeling by the end of the week as if you've climbed a difficult mountain. You only have to climb once BTW- once its done, its done, you will never have to go through that again - and come down the other side lighter, knowing that you made the very best of a difficult situation. And you may find that the trip, whilst bringing up sad memories may be a form of closure for you and help you feel stronger.

Then you can go home to your lovely DS - knowing that you've got it all off your plate and plan a lovely treat to look forward to and celebrate your return together. I know that having something like that planned would help me get through a difficult week.
Wishing you all the best OP.

I think here is nothing wrong with you wanting emotional support, that is understandable. I also think this hurts more because of his history in behaviour. However, it sounds like practicalities might make this one impossible (whether that is his motive or not). I would say for you to go on your own and try to have a nice time - bar picking up the inheritance, treat it like a nice trip away. It's a shame he can't be there with you but it is probably a long time since you had a trip to yourself. I would however say a major aspect in this, if your marriage is going badly - why would you be putting this money into paying off your mortgage? I would say to put it into savings so that you have a way to leave your husband if you are really not happy.

I can understand why you would want your family there for support.

but if your husband has no annual leave left then what do you want him to do? Can you afford to have him take it unpaid? What if he can’t take it unpaid? Risk losing his job? Call in sick?

Agree with this. You aren't really being unreasonable, just a bit fragile in a very specific situation. I think a husband would ideally want to make things easier for you at such a time.

This is a tad confusing, @feelingstucktoday: It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. ... I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him

Clearing the mortgage isn't a direct benefit to him? I'd think holding your wife's hand for a day in exchange for becoming mortgage-free is a good deal!

I'm sorry about his failure to support you with the cancer, too; that must have felt like a body blow. All told, your DH sounds like a selfish arsehole to me, but that isn't what you asked.

If you insist on scripting other people's responses you are always going to be disappointed in them.

I would spend the time thinking about whether I wanted to shackle myself for the rest of my life to someone who isn't there for me emotionally. Is your marriage otherwise what you want and what you envisaged your life would be like? Don't be too quick to put that money into the mortgage if the need is not urgent. Inheritances are not necessarily "family money". It would provide a lifeline for you to make changes if you want to.

I think his approach to the discussion is unreasonable esp comment re no direct benefit!!! HOWEVER sometimes holiday runs out, we have to be grown up s and do stull we don't like or make us feel emotionally drained and we just have to get on with it. Expecting him to take an absence from work when he has no annual leave left is unreasonable, but I get the emotional upheaval of it all and whilst it would be nice to have a hand hold, it just doesn't sound possible here. There is your Son to consider as well, if DH comes with you what happens with him?

Does your DH know how you feel about going back there for a final time…how sad and bereft that makes you feel ? Or are you just expecting him to instinctively know and be feeling your grief with you, without talking about it properly ?
A lot of men just can’t automatically relate to this sort of complicated deep emotion.

If he does know, and if he just doesn’t care about your feelings, then I would think hard about my future with him anyway.
If he really can’t get time off work then at least he tried. You surely wouldn’t want him to lose his job over your fear of facing this sadness alone.

OP I think you may well have to gather your strength and courage to go alone anyway and it would be much better to actively plan yourself a leisurely week in a nice hotel than to drag your uncaring/unwilling husband there if he can’t/doesn’t want to understand why you need him. That would be worse.
Maybe the city has changed and you can discover new things?
Keep yourself busy and hopefully the time will soon fly by. Good luck !

If you don't feel like your relationship is particularly great or that he's supportive to you generally, maybe you should think twice about paying off the mortgage or at least get legal advice before you do so.

I don't think he'd automatically have a claim on your inheritance as it is, but putting it into a shared marital asset like the family home would change that. I'd think about whether you se this marriage going the distance, or whether you might someday be glad if you ringfenced your inheritance.

If you were raised there then surely (even if you've nothing left in terms of living relatives or friends) you are familiar with the place, know your way around, the language and customs. You are not a complete stranger in what you have called your country and say you feel safe enough there.
Sure, there's some emotion around feeling it's closing a chapter in your life but it's all doable. As the saying goes....get your big girl pants on! Your DH doesn't have to come for this one if he's out of AL. The other stuff about you having to twist his arm all the time to do what you want is a bigger issue.

It's not really that he said 'no' because that's understandable if he has no AL. The problem is what you've shared in your last post - once you mentioned a nice hotel and a beach, he became motivated to ask his work for extra leave. That would make me unhappy.
As I said earlier, I wouldn't expect my DH to go with me. But if he said no then suddenly became more amenable if I bribed him with a hotel and a pool - I'd be really pissed off. Either he can't go or he can. But if anything is going to motivate him to ask for more leave, it should be supporting his DW not the lure of a fancy holiday.
I think OP you've been unable to let go what happened in the past because you don't think he's really changed - and that's because he hasn't. Maybe before you go abroad, have a meeting with a solicitor and a financial advisor to see if you can ringfence the inheritance in some way eg putting it into a trust for your DC.

I can't see any work just giving time off to wait in another country for paperwork that isn't their own. If you don't feel unsafe then I do t see the issue to be honest.

However you don't seem to value your husband and if he is not the right one for you then I assume you won't be paying off the mortgage if it's in joint names?

you've been unable to let go what happened in the past because you don't think he's really changed - and that's because he hasn't. Maybe before you go abroad, have a meeting with a solicitor and a financial advisor to see if you can ringfence the inheritance in some way

Strongly agree.

Aw this is sad. Of course you’re feeling vulnerable and would like someone with you to hold your hand for emotional support. It sounds like you’ve lost the last real connection to the place you were raised and that must be a very odd and disconcerting feeling.

you want someone to understand and care about that - this should be your husband but it sounds like he is generally quite unsympathetic towards you anyway.

It sounds like you need to reconsider the marriage - plenty of me would support you - this man is not. And it isn’t the actual physical going with you that’s really the issue, it’s the fact he doesn’t really want to - he can’t be bothered and it would make his life harder.

sometimes someone can’t be physically there for us, but the intent to help means the world.

💐

I understand why you want emotional support, but he has no AL left and you want him to take a week!

Sometimes life just doesn't allow for us to have what we want.

Obviously there is some communication between you that you can both work on.
It seems as if he doesn't really understand when you need emotional support, but also you seem to want him to understand without explaining.
He could learn to say - I understand that this is important to you, let me think about it.
You could learn to ask him in a way that let's him know that it matters without manipulating or expecting him to mind read.
My dh is pragmatic, 'no need for both of us to go' type of person. I have learnt to ask without drama - actually I would like you to come for emotional support - would that be possible?

I would say that you need to plan something to give the week a purpose. You grew up there but you ds won't, and by the sounds of it he might never visit. So why not make a project of documenting the city/country for him? Make a photo book? Mummy's life in Otherland. Here is the house I grew up in, and this is the local park. Look in Otherland we have wild monkeys in the park, I used to feed them buts when I was a kid and one time.....

Or whatever. Come home with a camera full of memories and stories to make into a book to share with your kids.

I was going to vote unreasonable but seeing your update a week off is a big ask, I know my employer would say no- to much would needed to be cancelled/rearranged.

I do know that my dp would not make me go by myself, he would come with me- he’s even taken days off to drive me to interviews (he’s self employed and I drive long distances for my job so not as I’m in scared of driving anywhere) as he likes to support me in what I’m doing and be there for me.

@feelingstucktoday what country do you have to go to?? most solicitors, even foreign ones, pay things via bank transfer nowadays!! I have been paid without solicitor setting eyes on me and my husband is paid via bank transfer from foreign solicitors to his legal business in uk! there is no reason why you cant do this without travelling abroad and if they refuse to do it without sight of you then they have to change the date to accomodate you. There is also no reason for you not to do this on your own!!!! I would also advise NOT paying off the mortgage with your inheritance!!!!!!

YABU. Your husband has no AL left, and I would not be granting an employee unpaid leave for a reason such as this. I understand he does not want to ask his employer, as taking unpaid leave for something like that, is quite far reaching and does not leave a good impression.

I think your judgement on this situation is clouded because of previous issues in your relationship.