I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

[feelingstucktoday]

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

You've opened up quite a bit here about what this trip means to you emotionally, not just the bereavement that's brought this about, but that it's a closure of the relationship between yourself and the country you were born in. Have you talked about this with your husband? I'm in a multinational marriage myself, and it's not always easy for the native partner to understand the position of the other who's left their home country.

On a practical level, have you confirmed the UK/overseas tax position regarding the inheritance? You probably have, but I wanted to raise it to be sure. Again, being in the position of one half of a multinational marriage we have had to face this before and will undoubtedly face this again in the future. It's not always straightforward and the UK doesn't share double-taxation agreements with all countries.

Sorry, I understand its a crappy situation but I think you are being very unreasonable here. Given the comments about your ex husband I suspect this needy demanding dependant attitude is a repeating pattern of behaviour

You are an adult, your husband has no annual leave, it is not to deal with a death or funeral so unless he discusses taking the time unpaid then you are out of line demanding he companies you because you don't fancy being alone.

Your posts read like you are very young, but given your follow ups I suspect you aren't.

I suspect his lack of finess and pandering is out of frustration.

I think you are being unreasonable.

He has no holiday left, and I can’t imagine asking for unpaid time off for this.

I just don’t understand why you can’t go on your own or with DS? So what if there’s a couple of meetings?

You are coming across as being hard work tbh.

You sound needy but also very unhappy in your marriage. Sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have some thinking to do.

How the hell if he has no AL left is he going to take a 7 day holiday ( 7 days is not a 'mini' break!)

The fact he wants to put his side of the story to your friend shows he knows he's been UR. It's quite a good test tbh. If he thought his response had been fine, he wouldn't mind that you'd talked to your friend about it. But he knew that what he'd done was so out of order that he feels he needs to do damage control - but only with 'friends' ; he didn't care when it was only you seeing how bad his behaviour was. And also ignore the posters pretending they never talk to friends or family about their relationships. It's completely healthy to use others as a sounding board.
I've changed my mind on him and you throughout this thread. He knows he's acting badly OP. You'd be better going without him. You need to find support from elsewhere. He doesn't want to be the person that is there for you.

This really.

I think your husband sounds pragmatic and weighing up the pros/cons of the disruption and costs. I’m not convinced from your posts that it actually would be that much of a holiday no matter how carefully the hotel was picked.

I would probably file this under ‘nice-to-have-but-not-practical’ and get on with it tbh. The trip is only necessary for administrative reasons and I’m not convinced that your emotional reasons tip the balance. Truth be told the emotional aspect is something only you can work through, your DH’s presence is mostly being a witness to that and I can understand why he doesn’t think it’s necessary to go with you to do that when he can offer the same thing to you when you get back.

@feelingstucktoday

I can see why you want him there, well sort of. But he doesn't sound to me the most empathetic person in the world and I doubt he'd be able to provide the comfort/solace that you feel you need. Frankly, I'd rather be alone than to know that someone who supposedly loves me is only with me in a time of need under duress. To me, it's not really about this particular instance and whether or not he's unreasonable not to go or you're unreasonable for asking, it's about the fact that he doesn't really seem to care about you very much.

I'd go alone and spend the time thinking carefully about my life, my marriage, and what I want going forward. The idea of having to beg my husband or 'bribe' him with a holiday to offer me comfort in a time of sorrow or need is abhorrent. And to need to be bribed with a beach holiday when I am facing a possible cancer diagnosis? I literally have no words. Well, I do actually.

When my DH was facing a cancer diagnosis I was with him every single step of the way. We shared the fear that comes with the 'waiting time' and when the worst was confirmed and during his treatment we 'walked that path' together, too. His fears were my fears. "In sickness and in health", remember? If I had turned away from him, if I had let him deal with this on his own he would have been justified in kicking me to the kerb.

And hell would freeze over if I'd use my inheritance to pay off a joint mortgage in your circumstances. I'd bank the money in my sole name whilst I decided if I wanted to stay with someone who doesn't give me the love and support I deserve.

This is bullshit. Look at how she is responding in here. She isn’t actually responding to what anyone is saying, she is just writing post after post about wanting him there and moaning about him. There’s no engagement; it’s just her going on. If that’s how she is in real life then I can imagine her husband is sick of her not engaging, not seeing it from other perspectives and just painting him as a selfish bad guy, which is how she has represented him to a joint friend.

Not really .. the history of it are things like:

He wouldn't take time off to look after his children (from a previous marriage) and instead left them at home with me because I WFH.

When our own son got sick for 3 weeks, he still wouldn't take time off

The cancer scare

When I've had to travel for work he'd go on and on about how it's difficult

However.... When I've been able to pair things I've needed to do (like going to hospitals) when he's come as long as we have a break around it

I understand completely how frustrating it is to get a flat no, without the other person even pretending to think about how they might be able to say yes. It's infuriating and depressing. I think sometimes the parent with the harder or further away or better paid job (often the man but not always) feels they can do that because their need to work often does need to take priority - but they treat it as if it always has to take priority, so they can get away with not even trying to find a way to help.

Unfortunately, persuading your dh to change his mind and come anyway will never change the fact that his first reaction was a flat no. I think, if you know that's the way your dh instinctively still thinks, you'll always have that in your mind, and even if you can persuade him to come with you on this particular trip, it might still not feel like good support because deep down you'll know that.

Would you also need to persuade him to be emotionally supportive moment by moment when you're there? "You should want to stay with me, don't go off with ds for the afternoon", that sort of thing?

If his fundamental instinct isn't to care how supported you feel, then all he'll be doing is faking it under pressure. I can see how having another adult with you could still feel a bit better than not, but I'm not sure it's worth the hassle he'll have with his work. You might end up really wishing he'd saved some of that unpaid leave for something else later.

Another alternative, where he's not with you but still being 'supportive', could be if he's by your side via whatsapp and phone calls as much as possible. He might still be faking it a bit, but you don't actually need to feel fully out of touch just because he's not by your side. In your position I would probably be more demanding about that and let go of the idea that he can be physically with you this time.

I completely agree.

You are left alone in the world, and having to face up to this difficult emotional 'closure' and your husband doesn't want to support you. I think that's huge,

There's a massive lack of empathy in posters here as well. I don't think you are difficult, unreasonable or needy! He and your DS are your only family - of course you need them!! Anyone who cannot see that is just foolish.

I am sure he could ask for time off unpaid, and explain the circumstances. He should have held onto a couple of days' annual leave anyway in anticipation of this event, but he didn't. Anyone with a child normally keeps back a few days for emergencies or sickness.

He is coming across as very selfish.

Unpaid leave shouldn't be a problem with £200k coming. He is set to benefit from it too - he shouldn't have to think twice about accompanying you to get it, unless work refuses to let him have the time off.

People are horrible and it's demonstrated time and again in this and other threads.

Seriously, don't pay off the mortgage. Don't put it into the marital pot. Consider why you're in this marriage at all.

You seem overly emotionally involved in this. fwiw saying an OP is going on and projecting that 'he's sick of her not engaging' - isn't in the spirit of the site. It's supposed to be about supporting parents not trotting out sexist 'bullshit' (to use your word) and making up imaginary scenarios so the man can be right.

As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

In other words he yet again got so fed up of your unreasonable demands and constant nagging that he said Yes! He would probably have agreed to anything to shut you up. Poor man, maybe he should, in MN parlance, LTB!
Why on earth do you need someone to sit with you as the transfer goes through, it's not like you were going to be leaving the bank with a suitcase full of cash!

I really don't think this is worth pushing with him. I don't think you did anything wrong asking and he clearly hasn't been supportive in the past. But I think use this trip to relax, explore somewhere that meant something to your family and then to also plan for your future. Do not put this money into the family pot until you are 100% sure this is the marriage for you. It doesn't sound like it is if he won't take time off to look after his own children or his son, or to support you with cancer scares. You do deserve better, but this isn't the hill to die on and actually could be annoying when he says "I went to blah" in the future and everyone will think he was great - but actually what you really want (and understandably) is a husband who looks after his kids and takes you to cancer appointments without needing a negotiation of ice cream or a beach trip. I would plan your trip, have a fabulous time, use friends for emotional support, take some time to process and grieve, and then also start looking at divorce. Many judges could protect your inheritance if you keep it separate. With half your home and your inheritance, you could own somewhere mortgage free for yourself and son.

Oh do catch a grip!!

This poster has to plead with her husband for his support, even in times of sickness - and bribe him with holidays??? He won't even be there for his own children??

He's a selfish dick! And you are totally lacking in empathy. It's not a lotto win ffs. There's huge emotions involved here!

This! Like this is clearly not just about the OP collecting her inheritance, but about the fact he didn't look after his biological kids, their child nor her cancer scares. Its a culmination of everything.

I agree with this.

It's meaningless now even if he does go. He won't do it without a treat, like some little boy.

Protect your inheritance from him in any way you can. He can't even be arsed going with you to collect it. Why should he benefit?

This and all the other times he's let you down will make you resent him more and more.

What does he actually add to your life? It's all his way or the high way and you are left begging for scraps.

Even if it's not now, not yet, you will realise that this man is never going to be there for you. Your inheritance could save you from a lifetime of hurt and rejection.

WTF? Why the hell are people being so rude and mean?

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him

This is the crux. It doesn't matter what OP wants him to do, whether he has AL leave left or not. The fact is OP clearly feels like he doesn't care about doing stuff with her. Which is a pretty horrible way to feel in a marriage.

Even if he can't do what she wants, wouldn't most loving spouses at least talk about it? And not just categorically say no because they don't want to?

@feelingstucktoday YANBU. You sound very lonely in your marriage.

I travel to different countries usually by myself. You are being ridiculous you're just going to a bank and then have some free time to wander and explore.

YABU. If he cannot get time off, it should be respected.

On the other points, on the face of it yes he is unreasonable but it does depend on what he does.

It's not about "just going to the bank" (which I'm not by the way, I'm having to go to court and a solicitor's office) it's definitely more the mourning aspect of leaving a life 100% behind.

I travel by myself ALL the time. I've spent time in a country where I didn't speak the language for weeks and I was fine! It's not about that at all.

I think he’s being selfish OP. I couldn’t imagine not supporting my partner in this situation. You do sound very lonely and this sounds like a pattern of behaviour from him.

I totally get your point about being dismissed out of hand. I'd find that really upsetting. Tbh, it would be potentially relationship ending for me if someone was like that. I'd find it so selfish and rude, I don't think I could cope with it.

That said, I'm afraid I did vote YABU because I don't think you should need him to babysit you (for want of a better word).