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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

258 replies

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:17

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

OP posts:
Aghast1066 · 18/11/2023 00:08

Blimey. You couldn't do this for 200k. This is such a non issue.

Honestmama · 18/11/2023 10:15

I think your being unreasonable! He can’t just drop his work to come with you when it’s not essential! Also important to keep your child is some form of routine! Also it’s not like it’s a totally foreign place (even if it was I’d be of the same opinion) even if your partner was great at supporting you I’d say this is still a pass in this instance! Equally it sounds like you have more issues going on than just this trip

Whyohwhywyoming · 18/11/2023 10:24

I cannot imagine being married to someone and not wanting to support them when things are difficult, even if it is awkward and inconvenient. And all this stuff about him earning a living; the OP is about to put her entire career inheritance into their mortgage. OP I would reconsider that to be honest, I’d go and buy a house for myself and live in it with my kids, there is nothing worse than feeling lonely in a marriage. I don’t need anyone to support me, I can do everything by myself and I have but the idea of having to persuade someone I love to support me - no thanks.

Whyohwhywyoming · 18/11/2023 10:26

MidnightOnceMore · 15/11/2023 16:37

I understand @feelingstucktoday

This is a big emotional thing you have to do, and you'd like some support, you'd like to not be alone.

My DH would go with me if he could, no question. And I'd go with him if I could, no question. Because we just support each other if we can. If work said no, we'd understand and rethink.

You've hit a deep vein of empathy-free posters here for some reason.

It’s like people are taking pride in having cunt husbands who don’t give a fuck and are sticking the boot into someone who is having a hard time

JLou08 · 18/11/2023 15:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I wouldn't leave my husband to go through that alone. But as you can see from the comments a lot of people don't have empathy so it may be that your husband is one of these people and that is why he needs you to spell out for him why you need him.

stichguru · 18/11/2023 16:28

Yes it's totally unreasonable to 1. Ask someone to do something you know they can't do. 2. Be annoyed they can't do it. If his place of work is like mine, we have annual leave, emergency leave and bereavement leave. If he's used all his annual leave for the year, he can't use that. It isn't an emergency so he can't use that, and it's not a recent brisement so he can't use that. Either you chose to go after his annual leave entitlement refreshes, or you accept he can't go.

Spicastar · 19/11/2023 07:44

I know this gets thrown around a lot but you should seriously consider why are you with him. What does he provide that you need, that you can't get elsewhere? Love, company, caring, friendship, dependability, practical help, resources, anything...?

I was married to a similar guy who wouldn't do much for me, despite me doing a lot for him, and I divorced him. Now I'm with the love of my life (over a decade already) and we have a 4yo together. Life couldn't be better. He's always there for me if I need him and vice versa.

Everyone who's saying you're AIBU reads this as an isolated incident and makes up excuses for your husband. The truth is, he is not in your corner. He's only in his own corner. That's not partnership. Think long and hard is this what will be enough for you for the rest of your life.

CountessVimes · 22/11/2023 12:08

I do think that you are being unreasonable. You say you need to mourn leaving your birthplace behind - but according to your posts, you already have years ago. This is not a new situation as you sadly lost your family members some time ago. Your husband has no annual leave and to be honest I can't see why a 4 year old couldn't sit through a solicitors meeting or a short court appearance. The rest of the week appears to be whatever you want to do.

I understand you felt unsupported previously but you are being very needy here and appear to be constantly testing/pushing your husband which might well be why he automatically says no. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think you need to be a bit more independent.

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