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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

258 replies

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:17

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

OP posts:
SwirlyWhirls · 16/11/2023 20:50

feelingstucktoday · 16/11/2023 20:37

By working more than 8 hours per day and weekends!

Sounds like a bad move both for his mental health and his productivity

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 16/11/2023 21:30

They don't care... He once had to pay back sick days (he spent two weeks at home because if a bad back). Same when he had COVID. They simply don't allow unpaid leave regardless of the reason

OP posts:
Tryingmybestadhd · 16/11/2023 22:38

I believe partner are always there for each other , I would I expect him to be with you and show you support . And I would expect to do the same for my partner in good and bad times . If you have a young child he is able to take unpaid parental leave anyway .

Tumtitumtitum · 16/11/2023 22:40

Ummm… the bigger issue here is what you do with your inheritance tbh.

You’re unhappy in your relationship with a man who, from what you’ve said, appears to be pretty selfish and self absorbed. It sounds as if he is absolutely incapable of ‘being there’ for you in the way you would like - that is NEVER going to change.

Meanwhile, you have inherited a life changing amount of money.

I would use it to see a therapist and try to figure out why, if I am someone who likes to have their hand held, I am choosing to remain with a person who has zero interest in holding anyone’s hand.

I would see a solicitor, the best money can buy, and get some solid gold advice on how best you might be able to protect or otherwise ringfence as much of that money as possible so that when you eventually decide to leave him you won’t be handing him everything you could have potentially used to start again… I would also see a financial advisor to get an idea of my options.

Whether his work give him time off, frankly, is irrelevant. He has (repeatedly) shown you who he is - believe him.

Most people can only dream of having the financial wherewithal to put themselves first. Suggest you start with what YOU and your child need, and take it from there…

But that’s just me.

2jacqi · 17/11/2023 07:36

@feelingstucktoday I think it would be clearer to understand if you were just state the country which you need to return to! OP

pphammer · 17/11/2023 08:07

YANBU

There certainly some emotions to deal with going back to your hometown, where you were raised but no longer have any family... I'd like to have have my partner's company in such trip.

That said can't both of you just go and enjoy it as a annual leave / holiday whilst you await for the inheritance to be processed?

Also, sounds like a red flag, that whilst you're willing to put all that money into the mortgage, I presume joint with him, "he however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him"... What the f?!

RandomMess · 17/11/2023 08:09

YANBU because he didn't consider your needs before speaking. His "no" was because he doesn't want to go.

TBH I would go by yourself, take the time to grieve and then ringfence the money and NOT use it to pay off the mortgage.

whatnow123 · 17/11/2023 08:09

If I'm brutally honest you both sound like selfish people.

luluw41 · 17/11/2023 08:30

You absolutely are not being unreasonable to ask your nearest and dearest for emotional support.

Lots of comments about it being ‘odd’ that she doesn’t want to go alone is insensitive tbh. Unless you are in her position ie have no living family, you have no experience about how you’d feel.

Apart from one living brother, the rest of my family are dead. I’d feel very alone and vulnerable making this trip alone and without my husband.

He should explain the situation to his employer and ask if he could take it unpaid if needs be. Depending on what his job is obviously, offer to work remotely if needs be. If they say no, is there a friend you could ask and offer to pay for them perhaps?

luluw41 · 17/11/2023 08:34

Just seen your more recent response that his company won’t allow unpaid leave!
If he hasn’t already asked, can he just go sick?

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 17/11/2023 08:46

Just wanted to day to those that I should ring fence it, it's hard because of several reasons (have already asked).
Not paying the mortgage means an extra £1k every month thanks to the rate spikes, so it doesn't make sense not to pay it off

OP posts:
anonibubble · 17/11/2023 08:52

Onceuponaheatache · 15/11/2023 13:26

Sorry, I understand its a crappy situation but I think you are being very unreasonable here. Given the comments about your ex husband I suspect this needy demanding dependant attitude is a repeating pattern of behaviour

You are an adult, your husband has no annual leave, it is not to deal with a death or funeral so unless he discusses taking the time unpaid then you are out of line demanding he companies you because you don't fancy being alone.

Your posts read like you are very young, but given your follow ups I suspect you aren't.

I suspect his lack of finess and pandering is out of frustration.

Yes, I do sympathise with you but you are an adult and this isn't a bereavement or family illness. I don't see why you can't go alone or take your child if necessary, you did say that you wouldn't be busy all the time.

RandomMess · 17/11/2023 09:35

Yes ringfencing the inheritance is hard, but what will be more painful is handing over 50% should you split up.

category12 · 17/11/2023 10:12

feelingstucktoday · 17/11/2023 08:46

Just wanted to day to those that I should ring fence it, it's hard because of several reasons (have already asked).
Not paying the mortgage means an extra £1k every month thanks to the rate spikes, so it doesn't make sense not to pay it off

Honestly, this makes zero sense.

Paying out an extra £1k for two years, would be a loss of £24k.

Versus a loss of £100k if you divorced and put your inheritance into the marital pot.

Surely rather than putting all your eggs into the basket of this marriage working out, it's worth the lower loss?

He's been on "best behaviour" for six months vs years of shit, and still isn't hitting the spot and in fact you feel seriously let down by him again.

As someone has also said, is it possible your inheritance has played into why he's making more effort? Once it's in the marital pot, won't you regret it if he reverts even more?

You seem locked in to a self-destructive course of action. Really really consider what you're doing.

cmaalofshit · 17/11/2023 10:13

You expect him to have to work extra long hours to pay back the time he would need to take off just because you would feel lonely and emotional on the trip?
It will take a few weeks of very long days to pay back a whole week.
You are being selfish and ridiculous.

I also think your demand that he doesn't immediately say no and says "I'll think about it" is absolutely pointless. Would you rather he said "I'll think about it" when actually he has no Intention whatsover of going and then a week or so later he says "I've thought about it and no it doesn't work".

I think he can't meet your needs emotionally. You should leave him and find someone who can

category12 · 17/11/2023 10:14

To clarify, I meant the two years as a possible time frame for seeing if there was real lasting change in your partner.

Newsenmum · 17/11/2023 10:15

I understand. I would want my husband to immediately want to support me and be by my side, as I am for him. If you’ve had other things before this may feel like the icing on the cake.

Newsenmum · 17/11/2023 10:16

cmaalofshit · 17/11/2023 10:13

You expect him to have to work extra long hours to pay back the time he would need to take off just because you would feel lonely and emotional on the trip?
It will take a few weeks of very long days to pay back a whole week.
You are being selfish and ridiculous.

I also think your demand that he doesn't immediately say no and says "I'll think about it" is absolutely pointless. Would you rather he said "I'll think about it" when actually he has no Intention whatsover of going and then a week or so later he says "I've thought about it and no it doesn't work".

I think he can't meet your needs emotionally. You should leave him and find someone who can

Yeah but my husband would immediately ask if I want him to come with me and what can he do. Even if it doesn’t work out in the end, he has to want to try.

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 17/11/2023 10:46

It's pretty difficult to ring fence because I've made use of the rental income (from the inheritance) so it will always be seen as a joint asset (and that's what all solicitors have told me).

Now, he's always said he'll respect that all assets are practically mine.

The solicitors' conclusion is that I'll always be better off staying married if I can live with it.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/11/2023 10:50

Financially maybe.

Emotionally?

RandomMess · 17/11/2023 11:05

Beyond frustrating!!

Perhaps you need to consider some other options and create your own business and use the inheritance to invest that way.

Most of all it's just awful being married to someone that has let you down so badly in the past. The hurt and resentment does run deep 💐

Guesswho88 · 17/11/2023 11:20

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:49

I'm fine with flying on my own. But it's more of being a foreigner in the city that I was raised in but have nothing left there

What city is this? I thought you didn't want go on your own because you were scared of being mugged.

SwirlyWhirls · 17/11/2023 13:28

“The solicitors' conclusion is that I'll always be better off staying married if I can live with it.”

Honestly, just leave the man anyway if this is your mindset. Don’t drag him along on your trip, forcing him to do loads of overtime later.

Harmonypus · 17/11/2023 14:07

OP, you say that your DH doesn't want to do things that are "not for his benefit", surely, if you will be using this inheritance to pay off your mortgage, is that not benefitting him?

I would be of the opinion that if he refuses to go with you, I'd be telling him that I'm going to be putting that money away somewhere safe, maybe in your DC's name, so that the DH couldn't touch it/benefit from it. Maybe that would make him realise that he needs to get his finger out and support you on this emotional trip.

Eskimal · 17/11/2023 21:58

The automatic ADHD no. Look it up.
make sure you keep your part of the house that you’ve put 200k towards in trust for your kids in case you ever divorce.