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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop buying shit they don't like

209 replies

youhavebadtaste · 14/11/2023 09:42

Please, I beg you, as kind and thoughtful as you think you are being, please stop buying people home furnishing, decorative items, artwork, anything that they will feel compelled to display in their homes - unless you are absolutely certain they want it.

Every Christmas, birthday, birth, or any special event that might incur a gift being given I get nervous because I know we are going to be given things by well meaning people that I just absolutely hate and don't want to show in my home.

A few examples;

When we got married a very good friend gave us a mirrored picture frame covered with diamantes spelling our name. It's large, ugly and does not even begin to blend in with our home decor, that is, well, the total opposite. They thought it was absolutely gorgeous, I do not.

An aunt has taken up woodwork and keeps making us things. I have a lump of wood with various place names that vaguely mean something to us, but not massively significant. I have to display it because she's round all the time. It might sound nice but it's poorly made and I just don't like it. I know she has other things lined up and I keep trying to tell her no in a polite way but she doesn't get it.

Another relative gave me a framed print when we moved in to our house. I can see it's very much her taste but it's just not mine.

I get this may all sound really ungrateful, but I feel bad that these people are wasting their time and money getting us things we just don't like. It's not like it's a cardi that I can wear twice when I see them then shove in a drawer until it gets gifted to the local charity shop - these are things people expect to see us use in our home.

AIBU to just not want this stuff?

OP posts:
AlltheFs · 14/11/2023 15:59

Pinkpinkpink15 · 14/11/2023 10:04

No, you're not being unreasonable to not want things in your home that aren't to your taste.

However, you need to pull up your big girls pants & deal with the situation instead of quietly seething.

like the lovely mirror frame. Take it to the tip. No one else will want it with your names in it. If your friend says anything, just say you're changing the look of your house (you are, to things you like!!) & it no longer (don't say never did!!) fits in to you xyz look. Thank her for the effort she went to, to get it made (or whatever) and being at your wedding (if she was)

Aunty Woodwork - tell her you're going minimalist and are not buying/getting things for your house because you have too much stuff & it saddens you to have to give away the excess.

its not easy, but you have to stick up for yourself & your house.

i think this is why I'm such a terrible gift giver, because I only want to buy things that people will find useful or love.

I tend to buy things that get used up. Food/drink/flowers/good quality hand soap, etc. or 'treats' meal out, voucher for things/places I know they like.

also everyone knows I'm incredibly fussy, so they tend not to buy me 'stuff', especially not 'big/display' stuff.

Also if I do buy a thing, I always say I bought it because I thought they'd like it, but if I've got that wrong, then don't hesitate to pass it on, because there's no obligation to keep things you don't like. The gift is in the giving, it's not an obligation to keep stuff you don't want.

I didn’t reply to you? I replied to the OP, are you on glue?!

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 14/11/2023 16:02

I know someone whose family member with Downs syndrome bought her a Mills and Boon book. In the circumstances she faked enthusiasm and was very thankful. So she continued to receive nothing but Mills and Boon for every birthday and Christmas 😃

MaliciaKeys · 14/11/2023 16:51

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 14/11/2023 16:02

I know someone whose family member with Downs syndrome bought her a Mills and Boon book. In the circumstances she faked enthusiasm and was very thankful. So she continued to receive nothing but Mills and Boon for every birthday and Christmas 😃

That’s quite sweet though, and the Mills and Boons can be regifted to the local residential care home. A lot of elderly ladies love a bit of romance, my granny certainly does!

Todaysproblem · 14/11/2023 17:37

LittleMissUnreasonable · 14/11/2023 15:36

@TodaysproblemI gifted them 12 framed best couple pictures I could find after stalking their SM accounts. Engagement pic, beautiful wedding day one, holidays etc to all go on the wall.

Sorry I would also hate this 😔 I live with DH, we have some couples photos but a lot are us with friends, family, the DCs etc. I think it's smug when a married couple makes their house a shrine to photos of the two of them only.

I'm very easy to buy for, I love clothes, I drink alcohol and like everything from beer to Bailey's, love chocolate, am quite girly and like beauty products, things with a specific animal on them, things for the house, vouches for most shops, hampers, candles, even the bayliss and Harding sets MN cower at.... But one of DHs friends always gets it wrong. Last year we got a bird feeder for the garden which sounds lovely. But we have cats that go outside. DH friend also has cats. It's like he thinks the item sounds good but doesn't think beyond the practicalities.

I don’t know what I was thinking. At the time I thought it was the most thoughtful and amazing gift I could get them for the new home, but after reading this thread I put myself in their shoes and I would find it very weird if someone gave me the same. 🤦‍♀️

KirstenBlest · 14/11/2023 17:44

@Todaysproblem , you obviously put a lot of thought and effort into it and that's what matters.

LemonLight · 14/11/2023 18:15

Someone once gave DH and I for Christmas two really cheap looking blow up canvases of very unflattering photos of us with their baby (who resembled Chucky) to display in our house. Straight to the attic. Still there.

Katemax82 · 14/11/2023 19:30

mummybear945 · 14/11/2023 10:34

You are not being unreasonable people keep getting me scented things even though I have told them I don't like scented things because they make me nauseous. I have hinted that I like socks, but no one ever seems to get it. BTW I really love socks and a pair of socks would be enough for me as a present. My mum is the one who benefits though as I always give her all the scented things I get.

You should try the happy sock company. One of the women I'm a housekeeper for gets a sock subscription from them and has loads of cool socks

Pinkpinkpink15 · 14/11/2023 20:38

cleanasawhistle · 14/11/2023 11:10

I have had this over the years,very awkward.
Got rid of lots of shelves ,ornaments ,pictures a few years ago and told everyone I wouldn't be replacing any clutter and needless stuff.
Friend came round after I had decorated....messaged a few days later saying she had bought me something large for the bare wall.
I had to be honest and say so very sorry but the wall is staying bare so I won't be able to accept the gift.Never mentioned again.

The last couple of years its been house plants,
Surely if you are a regular visitor to someones house and they don't have any house plants that means they don't want any

@cleanasawhistle

kust bizarre isn't it WTF would you buy some massive thing to go on someone's else's newly decorated wall?!?!

at least she took it well 😊

& yes. I don't like /want house plants. If I'd did I would buy them!!

Pinkpinkpink15 · 14/11/2023 20:43

AlltheFs · 14/11/2023 15:59

I didn’t reply to you? I replied to the OP, are you on glue?!

Show quote history

@AlltheFs

no need to be do bloody rude!!

it's not a private conversation, you have posted on a public forum & anyone can reply.

Cherrysoup · 14/11/2023 21:16

A relative gave me a weird carved wooden cat that was looking at its own bum, quite large. I have dogs. The dogs eventually were given the cat to chew (oh no, the dogs got hold of it and destroyed it!) then it went in the woodburner. Another relative gave us metal dogs, with heads on springs. They were kind of cute, but nowhere near my taste. Can’t remember what I did with them.

I would never give anyone ornaments/something they’d need to display, it’s just stupid.

paddlinglikecrazy · 14/11/2023 21:51

Just stop displaying the things.
Pre kids my Sil would gift us pictures of their kids ( our nieces ) huge pictures of them ! We love our nieces but freakishly massive pictures of them for the wall ? Nope, we just didn’t put them up.
We have kids now & would never put huge pictures of them on the wall either.

Montegufoni2017 · 14/11/2023 21:54

100% agree. HATE it. I just get rid but luckily it doesn’t happen much now, people can see how minimal our house is and how OCD we are 😂

hellosolly · 14/11/2023 22:21

I never liked this, and in the years before the family agreed to stop en masse to stop buying, we would regularly drive to the charity shop as soon as it opened after Christmas. So much wasted money!

krustykittens · 14/11/2023 22:42

@WiddlinDiddlin I would LOVE a 4" embroidered beetle! Do you have an online shop?

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/11/2023 22:48

I don't im afraid @krustykittens but inbox me and i can show you some pics if you like. Currently out of beetles but ive two moths hanging out done and planning another beetle soon. These are my 'hobby' things so I tend to make what I fancy and if someone loves it, I can be bribed to part with them and if not, they add to the joyous clutter in my house of stuff! :)

minipie · 14/11/2023 22:52

jlpth · 14/11/2023 12:57

No presents for adults

Makes everything better

Or ask to be given consumables as you are on a decluttering mission.

This x 1000000

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/11/2023 23:00

YANBU at all
Home decor is very personal and tasteful is subjective!
Just a small example here but an older friend bought me an ornate garish one cup Teapot mug thing.. and I don't even drink tea but I feel obliged to keep it just in case she calls in

LeggyLegsEleven · 14/11/2023 23:04

DH unfortunately is a person who thinks his taste is everything and tries to enforce it on others. He has to be stopped from buying things like art for people.

SwordToFlamethrower · 14/11/2023 23:15

My fil gifted us a pair of pepples painted to look like penguins, in a picture frame.

The paint was smudged too.

It accidentally fell on the floor and got smashed.

Shame...

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/11/2023 23:56

🤣🤣🤣

WandaWonder · 15/11/2023 00:10

Then there is
"What would you like for Christmas?"
"I would love a book token/box of Quality Street/a really nice pair of fluffy socks"
"That is not a present I can't buy you that"

then why ask?

Sugarfree23 · 15/11/2023 00:26

I had someone who regularly bought stuff that just wasn't me.
I bought them some things to display in their house. They seem to have got the message.

Weatherwax13 · 15/11/2023 01:22

YANBU. I was politely very enthusiastic about an ornament years ago and lived to regret it as I now have over a dozen figurines of said animal. I don't buy any decor myself apart from pictures and plants.
Last year I was quite explicit that I love flowers and house plants and use a lot of candles.
Was completely ignored. I do not need "stuff" and I also don't like the young AC spending on me. They have LOs and their own households to pay for now.
I said the same to DD last week and was met with "oooh too late now, I already spotted something you're going to love"
I sound like an ungrateful old cow. It's all so well meant but I wish they'd listen!

user1477391263 · 15/11/2023 02:27

It’s hard, as there are some people to get the hump if given consumables (edibles, bath products) or vouchers, and demand something “thoughtful,” but then trying to work out what they would like is a nightmare!

I’m glad my family is mostly no-gifts/vouchers, but I know some families get offended at the idea of stopping presents, so it’s hard to win with this one!

DrNo007 · 15/11/2023 02:35

Totally agree. People know I am fussy so don’t buy me stuff to display but DH has friends and colleagues who regularly buy him the ugliest pictures, ornaments etc. DH knows I hate them so for the time being they all live in his work office (not in our house) but he retires soon and I am dreading all this crap coming into our house!

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