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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop buying shit they don't like

209 replies

youhavebadtaste · 14/11/2023 09:42

Please, I beg you, as kind and thoughtful as you think you are being, please stop buying people home furnishing, decorative items, artwork, anything that they will feel compelled to display in their homes - unless you are absolutely certain they want it.

Every Christmas, birthday, birth, or any special event that might incur a gift being given I get nervous because I know we are going to be given things by well meaning people that I just absolutely hate and don't want to show in my home.

A few examples;

When we got married a very good friend gave us a mirrored picture frame covered with diamantes spelling our name. It's large, ugly and does not even begin to blend in with our home decor, that is, well, the total opposite. They thought it was absolutely gorgeous, I do not.

An aunt has taken up woodwork and keeps making us things. I have a lump of wood with various place names that vaguely mean something to us, but not massively significant. I have to display it because she's round all the time. It might sound nice but it's poorly made and I just don't like it. I know she has other things lined up and I keep trying to tell her no in a polite way but she doesn't get it.

Another relative gave me a framed print when we moved in to our house. I can see it's very much her taste but it's just not mine.

I get this may all sound really ungrateful, but I feel bad that these people are wasting their time and money getting us things we just don't like. It's not like it's a cardi that I can wear twice when I see them then shove in a drawer until it gets gifted to the local charity shop - these are things people expect to see us use in our home.

AIBU to just not want this stuff?

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 14/11/2023 10:37

I find that if you have something on display in your house, some people will get you something slightly similar.

You might have a treasured owl ornament that you've had since childhood then someone will give you a crappy owl ornament because they think it's what you like. More owl ornaments will follow until you have to get more shelves.

Never display the things you don't like.

Gowlett · 14/11/2023 10:41

We got some shocking wedding presents.
One item even had the wrong date engraved…
But we got some cool stuff, as well.

gabsdot · 14/11/2023 10:43

I totally agree. One year my MIL bought me a large blue glass horse ornament for Christmas. I was totally mystified. I have no particular intrest in horses and I don't display ornaments on my hours. I remember thinking "Do you know me at all". I've been married to her son for 25 years.
It went straight to the charity shop.

WandaWonder · 14/11/2023 10:48

If Igor to someone's house and they have a red vase, why would I assume they want another red vase or anything related

Even if they had 20 pig ornaments why would I think 'oh I have to buy a pig ornament because any random pig ornament is what they want'

Sure buying a present is meant to be a nice thing but the assuming just because someone has something they want more of the something is odd

Todaysproblem · 14/11/2023 10:51

I am guilty of doing something similarly bad recently. We know this married couple late 20s who moved into their first flat after years of renting. We got invited to see the flat (we are related to the husband) and I gifted them 12 framed best couple pictures I could find after stalking their SM accounts. Engagement pic, beautiful wedding day one, holidays etc to all go on the wall. To then find out that they are going through a really rough patch - maybe the stress of buying, idk and they loathe each other and not planning to display them any time soon.

TrashedSofa · 14/11/2023 10:55

A large part of the answer to this is for us to just give fewer gifts.

Goldbar · 14/11/2023 10:57

Chalkdowns · 14/11/2023 09:55

It does kind of suggest that presents should only be food or other consumables though!

I think this is a good rule of thumb actually, unless you know the recipient very well.

In a world of limited space, it's presumptuous to give gifts which will take up permanent space in people's lives.

Wexone · 14/11/2023 10:58

You need to be brave and start saying no- as someone who ahs moved a good few times on past few years, i started subtly saying no to certain people on things and then being more blunt then as didn't have the space. My mother is one of those people that she believes she can buy anyone the perfect gift and refuses to give money or buy something the like or will use. I now have a bag kept in the spare room for the Charity shop and also give loads toe local community center for their bric and brac sale, when i get something that i don't like, i smile politely and say many thanks and it goes into the charity bag later on. Not displayed at all. I am a big believer that for presents you buy people something that they will love but will never buy them selves. my sister get s a voucher for a local boutique to buy herself some nice clothes, if gave her money or something lese she will give away or spend on the kids, thanks to me for hier birthday she recently treat herself to a long very warm puffa coat - something she could never afford for her self she needed it and she always priorities everyone else over herself so nice to treat her

LolaSmiles · 14/11/2023 10:59

YANBU because I suspect people who do this often give gifts based on what they like, value and enjoy, or based on what they enjoy making/crafting. They're not gift giving with the recipient at the centre.

ReadySalty · 14/11/2023 11:00

Just get rid of it, that will stop them.

What's wrong with a candle? Flowers?

I can't stand Xmas food hampers either. Other than the cheese it's all weird shit no one in their right mind would buy/eat.

Mazuslongtoenail · 14/11/2023 11:00

Yanbu but I don’t display / use the odd thing that I get that doesn’t hit the mark.

But I’ve also got a SIL with amazing taste and I would hate for her to stop buying things!

ManateeFair · 14/11/2023 11:01

If someone buys me something I don't like for my home, I don't display it. If you display it, people will think you like it and will therefore buy you more of the same. I know it's difficult, because obviously you don't want to offend anyone who had good intentions in buying the gift, but it's the best way to hint that they should stop wasting their money.

I think if you're going to buy a home decor type gift for someone, you need to a) properly know their taste and b) stick to things like vases or photo frames or something that can be more easily moved around or given away rather than something that's meant to be hung on the wall. I know my sister's taste very well indeed and I've bought her smaller things like mugs, candlesticks, coasters, a trinket box, a jug etc. But I wouldn't ever buy her something like a mirror or a picture - even if someone really likes a picture, that doesn't mean they've got the right spot to hang it on their wall! I'd stick to smaller things that don't have to be displayed all the time and can be easily given away / regifted if the recipient isn't keen.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/11/2023 11:02

Yes I really think people shouldn’t try to decorate the houses of others

BarbaraofSeville · 14/11/2023 11:03

KirstenBlest · 14/11/2023 10:37

I find that if you have something on display in your house, some people will get you something slightly similar.

You might have a treasured owl ornament that you've had since childhood then someone will give you a crappy owl ornament because they think it's what you like. More owl ornaments will follow until you have to get more shelves.

Never display the things you don't like.

And they also see the lack of much on display as a sign that you need more ornaments, picture frames, lamps etc.

Some people like buying and having stuff and unfortunately they seem to win the battle against those of us who don't.

This is why we encourage Christmas lists in our family, ideally with links to the exact product. I love buying presents but the thought of wasting time and money on sonething that gets thrown away or resented is awful

But that's just making work for the recipient, when most of the time they'd really wish you didn't bother. You're not doing a nice thing for them. You're forcing your love of buying and having stuff onto someone who likely isn't interested and giving them a job of thinking of something for you to give them instead of leaving them to buy it themselves in their own time.

Milkmani · 14/11/2023 11:03

@youhavebadtaste Can you maybe tell people you’re trying to declutter so you can cut back on dusting, house work etc? I have made it quite clear that I don’t want any extra things in our home. We live in a small house and I don’t have much out. Very clear about what we do don’t need for children’s gifts - I usually suggest gift cards for days out, even if it doesn’t pay for the full ticket I still think a £10/15 voucher for the farm or something is nice. Maybe suggest consumable gifts if people insist but still, say no to the clutter and tell them you’re having to clear out as you already have too much. My mum finds it tough sometimes that I don’t want loads of stuff hanging about the house but my home is clean and easy to manage - that way I can spend more time with my son.

FreeRider · 14/11/2023 11:03

My late MIL and her sister were terrible for this...when I was married to ex husband we were always getting household gifts that were so not to our tastes...MIL's house was crammed full of nick-nacks and she thought everyone liked that look...I'm a minimalist who hates dusting! Her sister would buy things like very expensive velvet curtains from catalogues and then change her mind, but couldn't be arsed to return them...so we'd end up with them (if her own son and his wife didn't want them first). While that might seem like a nice thing to do, it did make us feel like the 'poor relations' who would take anybody's cast offs!

Ex husband ended up with most of the stuff and when he had to move flat a couple of years ago most of it ended up in the tip. Bit sad really.

TheBirdintheCave · 14/11/2023 11:04

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 14/11/2023 10:23

I have a rule - if I can't eat it, drink it, burn it 🕯️ or use up it in the bathroom, I don't want it! Consumables all the way.

Yep. 100% agreed.

cleanasawhistle · 14/11/2023 11:10

I have had this over the years,very awkward.
Got rid of lots of shelves ,ornaments ,pictures a few years ago and told everyone I wouldn't be replacing any clutter and needless stuff.
Friend came round after I had decorated....messaged a few days later saying she had bought me something large for the bare wall.
I had to be honest and say so very sorry but the wall is staying bare so I won't be able to accept the gift.Never mentioned again.

The last couple of years its been house plants,
Surely if you are a regular visitor to someones house and they don't have any house plants that means they don't want any

MeinKraft · 14/11/2023 11:11

This also includes framed pictures and canvases of your kids Blush

krustykittens · 14/11/2023 11:12

You just have to be tough and say no, OP, even if it hurts their feelings. My mother was like this, would always buy me what she liked and never what I liked, even if I made up a list for Christmas or my birthday. "Oh no, what do you want books for, you have enough!" And would buy me an ornment, even though I don't like them. Some people are well meaning but some are actually obnoxious through their gift giving. If anyone in your life is the latter, get obnoxious back!

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 14/11/2023 11:13

I have a family member who does this......the final straw was pebbles with pigeons painted on them (( like the pigeons on pigeon Street))

I'm pretty brutal now and they get told under no circumstances not to bring their shit to my house, I don't want or need any gifts. They get told flatly if any more utter shite crosses my door it will go in the bin. And they know me well enough to know I mean it........I do it in a jokey way but even so, it pisses me off when people try to force their taste onto someone else.

So just tell them. And if they don't listen follow through with it !

Catlord · 14/11/2023 11:19

Preach.

I have a lovely friend but she sends so much of this rubbish. It's all quite impersonal bought online and personalised with my name or some place I went to years ago or something 'funny'. Cushions, wall hangings, jewellery.

For example, I'm not a lager drinker. Never have been. But I do have an impressive set of mass brewery signs meant for hanging sent over time. San Miguel etc.

She loves giving but there's no thought involved and I'm absolutely not going to display it (picky bastard). Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for each one of my friends but this just makes me guilty for not displaying mass produced shite in the house.

I wouldn't be bothered about presents but now have to think of something each time. She also moans about spending so much. Well don't bloody do it!!

That felt good to do anonymously.

TiffanyBean · 14/11/2023 11:19

I’ve had some pretty awful displayable stuff from my parents over the years. Not only is it not to my taste, it’s not even nice stuff. I once took some to the local charity shop and apologised for it as it was so bad. Even my kids raised an eyebrow when they saw what I’d been given.

I think on that particular occasion I was actually quite upset as I felt that at the age of 42 my parents should know me a bit better at least have a vague idea of the type of thing I like in my house and what interests me rather than giving stuff they never see displayed at all. They also dislike giving vouchers as they aren’t deemed personal but I don’t really think giving items that someone has never shown any interest in having is particularly personal either.

My DH used to think I was being ungrateful but after 20 years of these type of gifts he can’t really understand either why we get so much from them that isn’t to our taste. We just smile and say thanks and give it to the next tombola/school fair/charity shop.

Badatthis · 14/11/2023 11:21

I would claim a bedbug infestation and say it all had to be burned

susiedaisy1912 · 14/11/2023 11:21

I agree op, I don't display things in my house that I don't like the same for jewellery if I don't like it I don't wear it, family have now realised and ask me what I'd like as a gift. I regift things if I don't like them and then tactfully mention that I don't use or like certain things. I can't be responsible for people's reactions to me saying this. But I do try to let them down as kindly as possible. It's my home and I'm not filling it with other people's preferences.

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