Stop buying shit they don't like

[youhavebadtaste]

Please, I beg you, as kind and thoughtful as you think you are being, please stop buying people home furnishing, decorative items, artwork, anything that they will feel compelled to display in their homes - unless you are absolutely certain they want it.

Every Christmas, birthday, birth, or any special event that might incur a gift being given I get nervous because I know we are going to be given things by well meaning people that I just absolutely hate and don't want to show in my home.

A few examples;

When we got married a very good friend gave us a mirrored picture frame covered with diamantes spelling our name. It's large, ugly and does not even begin to blend in with our home decor, that is, well, the total opposite. They thought it was absolutely gorgeous, I do not.

An aunt has taken up woodwork and keeps making us things. I have a lump of wood with various place names that vaguely mean something to us, but not massively significant. I have to display it because she's round all the time. It might sound nice but it's poorly made and I just don't like it. I know she has other things lined up and I keep trying to tell her no in a polite way but she doesn't get it.

Another relative gave me a framed print when we moved in to our house. I can see it's very much her taste but it's just not mine.

I get this may all sound really ungrateful, but I feel bad that these people are wasting their time and money getting us things we just don't like. It's not like it's a cardi that I can wear twice when I see them then shove in a drawer until it gets gifted to the local charity shop - these are things people expect to see us use in our home.

AIBU to just not want this stuff?

My brother lives in a bare flat with an uncomfortable sofa. No shortage of money, but doesn't care much about his environment.

One Christmas I picked out some quite cool (but neutral) cushions for the sofa and sent him a picture to see whether he would like them as his Christmas present. He said no, he didn't want any cushions. So I didn't buy them and got him something he did like instead.

Now in my opinion the cushions would make his flat and his life much nicer. But... it's his flat and not mine.

My GMIL - who is an absolutely lovely woman - gave us a painting for our wedding. She's very talented indeed. She's painted landscapes in her house that are very much our style.

For our wedding, she painted us something on a horrible style of a miserable subject. It lives on the stairs. Worse thing is MIL loves it - she has loads in that style. She comments on the location every time.

I won't start on all the ridiculous things we've been sent for our baby, half of them from people we've never even met. My husband won't even let me return them for cash to put on his savings, but he's not the one dressing him most days.

Gift giving is about the process of giving the gift, not about whether you like it - that’s just pot luck.

Once the gift has been given and thanks given in return, do what you want with it, there’s no obligation to keep the gift. If you stop feeling this sense of obligation you may well find the unwanted gifts stop coming.

When gifts become purely about what you like and what is useful, you may as well just buy them yourself.

Can you maybe tell people you’re trying to declutter so you can cut back on dusting, house work etc?

I did this with MIL once. Amazon vouchers for kindle, moving house, didn't want more physical books. She bought physical books, and a half dozen other pieces of crap.

And that was the year I started immediately chucking gifts I didn't want.

I know my friends' and family's tastes and they know mine, so we're happy as we are. Not to mention no one gets so offended by a candle that they need to implore and plead with people to spare them.

I agree to a certain extent but it's a waste of money and terrible for the environment for us all to buy stuff that's going to going to get thrown away. Saying that I did find it difficult to say no to gifts when I was younger I'm now in my 50s and find it much easier.

This is daft. A good gift giver takes the time to think about what someone would like, something that is personal to the recipient and that they need and want. That's the true joy of gifting, no? Choosing something you know is going to be treasured, used or appreciated by the recipient, not giving some random piece of tat just because you feel like it.

My Christmas list is full of frivolous things that I wouldn't buy for myself because I don't really need them, I just like them. Those are the things I ask my husband or parents for.

Why should we be stuck in an endless cycle of pointless giving and receiving of unwanted goods? If everyone just spoke up and said that they actually want (even if that's no gifts at all!) I think we'd all be much better off.

Exactly!

My family and friends know I don’t like clutter and won’t have ornaments etc unless I’ve chosen them myself.

I don’t like people wasting their money so I am very upfront about it and say I’d rather have fluffy socks, bubble baths, chocolates etc.

That's you though @WandaWonder . It's not just me it happens to.

I don't particularly want consumables. It's usually something home-made like chutney, cheese with bits of fruit in, a gift set of cheap handwash and handcream, or a pongy scented candle.

With the owl ornament, friend/relative goes on holiday and asks if you'd like something from that country. You mention something inexpensive that's not available in the UK. They promise to get you it. When they come back, they didn't bring it because they got you an owl ornament instead.

(I don't have any owl ornaments but didn't want to name the often given displayable item in case it outed me)

One of the many things I miss about my late FIL is his sensible Round Robin Christmas list. Everyone put a range of wishes, next person ticked some off,sent it on, we all got stuff we wanted and the surprise was from whom.

This is why I prefer vouchers. I hate , hate, bloody hare buying gifts for anyone. If I do then I buy them something they already have in a different colour. Can't be bothered with the mental load of going through each possible reason why they might not like it. Every single thing is so personal that I never know if I'm going wrong.

I would like to add to this a plea to knitters to stop it with the endless itchy scarves and mittens and hats, unless you are VERY sure the recipient enjoys them.

I wouldn't want these even if was desperately in love...

Yes to this!

Loving your grandchildren for example does not necessarily equate to wanting a large canvas style photo of them on your wall in which they are wearing outfits that clash with everything in the room.

Try getting out of displaying that without looking like you’re actually saying you hate them!

stop displaying stuff you don't like and when they visit and notice it's not on display, say something like :

it's beautiful but .......

1. too much stuff to display, we're rotating things
2. it broke / dog chewed it
3. accidently ended up in the charity bag
4. no longer fits with our decor
5. friend took a fancy to it so we gave it to them
6. it's in the garden, looks great as a garden ornament, hedgehog house, water feature

They might not say anything in which case you don't need to make any excuses.

The mirror is easy. It fell and broke

YANBU. I hate this too. Ditto all those people who feel compelled to buy you jewellery- no thanks diamond obsessed friend. I don't want to replicate your look in diamantés thank you!

YANBU
My FIL has also taken up woodwork and regularly gifts the family bowls, picture frames, egg cups etc. I've managed to dodge having too much in my home from him so far but I feel my luck is running out.

Right, the frame would be far too sentimental to display and get damaged over the years with dust. And you don’t want to risk anything falling off when you dust it asaid you spy every couple of days. So you keep it in your wedding memories box.

The wooden thing. Hmmm…. Engraved wood IS also a nightmare to dust or maybe you could have some kind of storage like an Ottoman where you put all your unwanted stuff you feel obliged to display. But I wouldn’t feel obliged to display personally.

This is also going to sound so ungrateful but when I get bought loads of ‘stuff’, my mind immediately goes to how little storage we already have and it actually makes me feel a bit stressed as someone with OCD.

I tell everyone though “Please do not buy me/my DC any gifts. We have enough/I don’t want my DC to be spoilt and we already get them everything they need and sometimes want and it’s a cost of living crisis so please keep your money.” I buy experiences I know the recipient would like, like a facial for my sisters, or an afternoon tea for my mum etc after asking them usually. I do cash for new babies so parents can spend it on what they need or save it for them. We got bought loads of out of season baby clothes so they never fit during the correct season, despite us trying to make sure they wore everything a few times. We expressed our gratitude but we had made it clear many time that we had already bought too much of EVERYTHING. You’re only being a little bit unfair if you don’t make it known.

I agree, I do think it's rude to give people large decorative items unless you know they want it.

We got a massive framed print of Warwick castle in a gold frame for our wedding. We had never been to Warwick and neither had the lovely friends who gave it to us 🤔

Edited as wrong thread 🤦‍♀️

The self made gifts are usually the worst. Really talented people never think their stuff is good enough or it's worth a fortune. It's the hobby "artists" that make loads of stuff they don't know where to put and leave others stuck with it.

If I don't know the person well I stick to consumables like good wine, chocolates, cookies or fancy candles (nothing perfumed). If they don't like them they are easy use when they are invited to or host a dinner party

I also hate when people assume you have a "collection". I love cats and had 2 wonderful bronze cat statues that fit my style. People I knew took it that I liked cat statues so after a few years, even after mentioning I had enough, I ended up with 23 cat statues and figurines and wood carvings like I was some crazy cat lady.

I'm down to 9 . They are are pretty but most are in a box. The rest met unfortunate "accidents" during moving.

Hear hear, OP! I always give people consumables, basically. I regift unwanted things like mad (especially scented candles which make me feel sick and headachy). But we don't have much in the way of family visiting, so no one would notice, and they would always ask what we'd like anyway.

I would stop displaying it, I get given all kinds of stuff I don't like. I say thank you and then give it away, re gift or chuck it in the bin. I would never display something I didn't like in my home.