Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

[CinnamonSwirl82]

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

Can't do link but previous 'sofa' thread might be on advance search ?

Apologies if I've missed this but I assume you've turned location tracking off on your phone. Very scary situation for you to be in.

Lucky escape!!

Sofa thread for everyone asking:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4915436-not-sure-if-im-over-reacting

His mum didn't know. He told me not to ask her about his military background as she was upset about everything that happened.

She's never said he's in the military and has never corroborated his lies as she had no idea what he'd told me.

Omg I know a man that told this lie too! Wonder if it’s the same one 😂😂

@CinnamonSwirl82 - I am so glad you are safe at your Mum's and can continue recovering from your surgery while you are there. I remember your post about the sofa cuddling.

it'll take time, but just take one day at a time while you get your ducks in a row and speak to a solicitor etc.

Take Care x

Just read the sofa thread. From your dream, it sounds like your unconscious mind had registered something off re That Man already.

This ! I’d advise against confronting him , especially in your condition

Like others have said, don’t confront him, you’re at risk and leave now.
The scenario could be confrontation. He goes quiet and broods. You go to bed. He starts drinking and …….

Please read the thread. OP has already left

All the best OP, from someone who went back, when they demanded I,"hear them out," & nearly paid with her life. You & your pets are safe now. Don't give him the opportunity to get you alone henceforth.
Walter Mittys are despised by genuine squaddies for a reason.
Wishing you & your DM, & DMIL, a safe path forward.

That's truly deplorable! Coming from.a military background where my hero Dad did suffer wounds is a total disrespect to all who trained, experienced horrific things yet never got the help they needed in those days for ptsd. How can anyone pretend they have endured this, his behaviour and deception is, well sorry hard to find the words, cowardly and beyond deceitful.

That's truly deplorable! Coming from.a military background where my hero Dad did suffer wounds is a total disrespect to all who trained, experienced horrific things yet never got the help they needed in those days for ptsd. How can anyone pretend they have endured this, his behaviour and deception is, well sorry hard to find the words, cowardly and beyond deceitful.

@Jeannie88 I met two British Army women soldiers in a psych ward. Both had PTSD. One had defused bombs in Afghanistan. Neither spoke of the actual things they had witnessed. Both faced the ends of their career, a sad necessity. I too feel a bit angry with this saddo, on their behalf, so I do sympathise with you.

Sometimes prior to heart surgery the lungs get fluid in and have to be drained. A tube is inserted and held in place with running stich. This leaves a scar identical to a bullet wound. Perhaps this is what he had.

You and the pets are safe. Take some to reflect and make decisions. My DC father very much like this. He has never contacted us since before he was born as I caught him out in a very similar situation. He will never change. Make an amazing life for yourself. You very much deserve so much more xx 💞

Doubt it, there are hundreds of them. As someone said above, they are known as "Walts" from the Walter Mitty character who created an entire fantasy life for himself.

It isnt just people who lie about being "in". Some were in for a bit but couldnt stand the course and left as soon as they could, but then claimed to have been in for years, deployed to war zones etc. Or the ones who actually served as a squaddie but tell people they were in the SAS or similar. A big giveaway is that they are "not allowed" to talk about it as their work was secret. Yes some people do do such work, but they never bring it up....thats kind of the point! Someone who talks about not being able to talk about what they did, never bloody did it. They miss the irony that someone who really had been invovled in secret ops would lie and say that they were "just infantry" or somesuch in order to keep it, ya know, secret.

Real ex services LOATHE the Walts with a passion.

A point made my pp may have some truth in it, thinking further.

He comes from a military family and hates the fact that he couldnt join too, presumably because of his heart condition. If it was serious enough to require childhood surgery, it would pretty much rule him out of joining. So he made this up to fit in, at least in his fantasy, with the rest of his family.

My other thought is that right now he is playing nice and he doesnt believe that you wont come back. It will stay as Mr Nice Guy right up until he realises that you are absolutely not going back. Thats when the real him will show up. Thats when the viciousness, the lies, the abuse will start, so please dont fall in a false sense of security when he doesnt go nuts straight away. Be prepared for him to flip out, and NEVER EVER be alone with him. The reason he wants to see you face to face is in order to manipulate, bully or frighten you into staying, he cant do that when you are an hour away and safe, or if someone else is there too.

I came across a case like this in my job a few years ago... He had woven an intricate story of the very 'specific' military operations he had been involved in, official secrets act etc etc. Gory details, the lot. Even got diagnosed with PTSD. When I dug in to check out this years old story and found it was all a lie, he admitted that everything else he'd told us about his past was a lie too.. even seemingly inconsequential details along with things like having estranged children. Psychology reassessed him as having a personality disorder with pathological lying. But I think many men make up having been in the army and it often comes from having a shit self-identity and wanting to invent a persona. Sorry to hear you've married one of these guys! If you love him perhaps you can have a heart to heart on what's behind all this, get therapy etc. However, I wasn't privy to the other post about being cuddled up with your mate - if that situ is as bad as it sounds then he's probably some weak arsehole with small man syndrome whom you're better off without! Good luck!!

What a betrayal of your trust. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.I'd keep my own council and not rely on MIL for support.Get a female divorce solicitor right away. Take care of yourself.

Pleased to hear that you are safe at your mam's house. I hope you make a fast recovery and hope that the news about your health is positive from here.
Take care xxx

Yeah I'd missed her other post about her saying he generally treats her like sh*t and she's planning to divorce him anyway so confrontation is needless risk.

I was under the assumption that she was still deciding whether to stay with him, in which case confronting him about the lie gently (rather than a grand confrontation) was specifically to avoid the danger of her husband feeling attacked and responding with physical violence.

Hi, OP.
I got quite invested in your post.

Have you spoken to your husband yet? Any update? Are you ok?

My ex had a friend who told the exact same lie as this. He was a complete fantasist and the lies didn't stop at the army story. His whole life and personality was completely fabricated. He once left one of our parties to go and 'deal with' something and came back half an hour later with a torn shirt and cuts and told us all he had been attacked. Turned out he'd done it to himself. Another time I found him in my bedroom when I woke up staring at me from the bottom of the bed - he told me he had been sent by God to protect me. Absolute crazy stuff.

People like this are highly dangerous. Please do not stick around long enough to find out just HOW dangerous he will be. The house is not important right now and you can deal with getting what's yours physically and financially at a later time.

Please just get yourself out of there and to a safe place, make sure your location is off on your phone and contact women's aid.

Edit: just read the updates and glad you are safe!!

Actually the police can come, if there's reason to believe he will.become aggressive and potentially cause harm.
The police can be called to.come be there.