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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

563 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 10:52

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

OP posts:
ElfieLea · 15/11/2023 22:28

@CatamaranViper

Stop telling strangers what to do!! Jesus!!!!!!!
I'm not trying to guess. It sounds exactly like someone I've experienced so I've asked. These people never have one victim.

CatamaranViper · 15/11/2023 22:44

ElfieLea · 15/11/2023 22:28

@CatamaranViper

Stop telling strangers what to do!! Jesus!!!!!!!
I'm not trying to guess. It sounds exactly like someone I've experienced so I've asked. These people never have one victim.

OP has made it clear she doesn't want to be outed. If you expose who this person is, don't you realise you could be putting OP in actual danger? Or at least making her life worse?
The last thing she needs is some stranger online figuring it out, posting more identifying information (initials, location etc), then him being alerted to the thread and using it to find out where she is and what her next move is?
These threads are picked up all the time on Facebook, reddit, twitter, newspapers etc.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/11/2023 23:09

ElfieLea · 15/11/2023 22:00

Are his initials MP?

If you read the thread you will know that there are hundreds if not thousands of these men in the UK alone. It is not a rare thing at all. The chances of them being the same person are vanishingly small, and in the interests of the OPs safety and well being, a little critical thinking would have told you that asking this is not only crashingly insensitive, but also down right bloody dumb.

ElfieLea · 15/11/2023 23:27

@CatamaranViper
Even by MN standards this is a pretty dramatic post. Yet still you feel the need to add some yourself. I'm embarrassed for you.

ElfieLea · 15/11/2023 23:34

@PyongyangKipperbang
There are thousands but she gave a LOT of detail that matches from scars, surgery, family abroad and more that matches, especially when combined with her other post. Outing detail if you know that person. She's also said she going to out him online herself so.....
Maybe you could focus on being sensitive to OP rather than starting drama on a 4 word comment. All you've done is draw attention to it. Well done.

hopsalong · 15/11/2023 23:37

Just leave him. Really. I never say that, but this man is not only deeply unpleasant, clearly unfaithful, uninterested in you, and massively complacent (in terms of assuming that he can treat you however he likes), but also apparently on the verge of psychopathy in his disregard for the truth.

Not leaving him is self-harm. Leave.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/11/2023 02:25

ElfieLea · 15/11/2023 23:34

@PyongyangKipperbang
There are thousands but she gave a LOT of detail that matches from scars, surgery, family abroad and more that matches, especially when combined with her other post. Outing detail if you know that person. She's also said she going to out him online herself so.....
Maybe you could focus on being sensitive to OP rather than starting drama on a 4 word comment. All you've done is draw attention to it. Well done.

Alright love.

IncompleteSenten · 16/11/2023 06:42

Given what a fantastic liar you've now found out he is, I don't think you can trust he told you the truth about what happened with your ex friend either.

settlingsusan · 16/11/2023 21:12

Yes, I agree, maybe the friend was not totally in the wrong here - obvs not totally blameless either. I had a partner who is now a diagnosed Narcissist and he came between me and a long standing friend, probably to alienate me. I only realised over a decade later that what he had told me had been said by her and happened were likely all part of this.

Rachelbolton · 17/11/2023 05:53

What happened? Has she not been on since ? 👀

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 17/11/2023 14:20

I'm still around. Still at my mums.

Miss my house and the pets are getting itchy being stuck in the one place. Just feel overall shit, stuck, and I've no idea what to do now.

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 17/11/2023 14:22

Regarding the 'friend', I told my mum what happened and she said she's not surprised. She saw her trying to throw herself at him at my bday party several months before.

I guess she's been trying all this time and whether she's succeeded is anyone's guess but no, she's definitely not innocent.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 17/11/2023 14:22

You need a free consultation with a divorce solicitor.

Flickersy · 17/11/2023 14:23

You need to see a solicitor OP and get the divorce in motion, if that's what you want to do.

If you want to go back to the house, you need to apply for an occupation order (have a Google).

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 17/11/2023 14:33

I'm not sure what I want to do. It's all starting to hit me now, the realisation that my life as I knew it is over and I've got to try navigate all this illness alone.

I'm not well enough for a legal fight or any other kind of fight for that matter. I probably should've just not said or done anything and held out but likewise I don't think I could've pretended everything was fine.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/11/2023 14:59

Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you have to start the fight now. It just means that you're getting yourself educated as to what a divorce might look like for you. You can start the legalities later.

VenusClapTrap · 17/11/2023 15:02

AcrossthePond is right. Knowledge is strength and power. It will help you feel less overwhelmed.

Freddiefan · 17/11/2023 16:01

When my daughter was in a similar position, she went to see a solicitor and I went with her.
I didn't say anything but just sat quietly and made notes. Maybe your mother could do the same?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 17/11/2023 16:29

A good divorce/family solicitor definitely won’t force things for you. The best ones do more listening and empathy which is what you really need right now. If you’re not happy with one though then see another one. The reason you’re feeling the way you do now is you’re recovering from surgery and the enormity of what you’d like to do has hit you. A good lawyer will talk it through and be on your side, not his.

Also, provided you set out what you’d like from the divorce then in my experience (ex legal secretary) you really don’t have to get involved apart from to sign forms and prob done online now anyway. I’d take your mother with you to the initial appointment.

TheSquareMile · 17/11/2023 17:40

CinnamonSwirl82 · 17/11/2023 14:20

I'm still around. Still at my mums.

Miss my house and the pets are getting itchy being stuck in the one place. Just feel overall shit, stuck, and I've no idea what to do now.

CS

Would it help you if you were able to make an appointment through Relate to talk to someone?

I'm not sure whether you have spoken to a solicitor yet to clarify your position, but I would suggest that too.

After both of these, you might feel more confident about the way forward.

https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Zzbutton · 17/11/2023 18:33

Keep being brave, your future self will thank you. Take it step by step, day by day.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 17/11/2023 18:45

Do you have a good neighbour at home who would watch your house, to make sure this ex-friend isn't there or moving in?
That would be playing on my mind, if I wasn't there to stop it!!

Floralie222 · 17/11/2023 21:33

OP, you've already shown you're much stronger than the rest of us by getting out of there. Anyone in your position would be feeling worried/regret with all the uncertainty. I promise your life is going to get so much better from here on. You don't need to rush to do anything legal, unless you need maintenance or anything urgently. When you feel ready, you can go and have a one-off initial consultation with a family lawyer, and take someone along for moral support/to take notes.

Put a date in your diary for two weeks from now. And ask yourself then, how do you feel compared to today? Take it day by day, there's no need or expectation to have it all mapped out right now so take the pressure off that and concentrate on healing from your surgery.

J316 · 17/11/2023 22:43

Sometimes the adrenaline gets us through at the beginning but reality sets in and you can come down with a bump. Your going to feel lost for a bit and your still not feeling great physically so take some time to heal and maybe jot down what you would like your future to look like, nothing set in stone but maybe where you’d like to stay or work, move to, travel, hobbies and health etc…

You do need a solicitor though with regards the house.

It’s okay to grieve your marriage and the man you thought your husband was and the family you had planned in your new house. It’s no wonder you feel empty and numb not to mention heartbroken but you won’t feel like this forever 💛

SequentialAnalyst · 17/11/2023 23:29

Solicitors do what you tell them to. That's why it's called instructing a solicitor.

They will also give you much information about the options available to you. So don't worry.

Not yet, though. You are still reeling from the shock, your nerves are still jangling. Rest. Listen to nice music. Eat lots of chocolate. BrewCake

And No Trying To Decide on Anything. The time for that is Not Yet.