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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

563 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 10:52

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

OP posts:
itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 13/11/2023 11:22

Blimey that's shocking.
If mil is on your side could you get her to come round and confront him together, would she do that?
There's little white lies then there's this, he's like Walter Mitty.
I couldn't live with someone who lives a lie like that, it's not just a lie, it's completely unhinged (one of MN fav terms)
I'd seriously kick him out

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:22

DRS1970 · 13/11/2023 11:20

Ask him what his service number was? That is burned into the memory of every serviceman until they die. If he doesn't know it instantly he is definitely what we would term a Walt, unless he was shot on day one of training.... Lol

I did and he had one!!!! He told me exactly what it was! I asked about his military card too and he said he had to give it back when he was discharged and it was replaced with this little book thing. I've seen the little book!! It's got his name and photo and everything.

I had no reason to not believe him but my gut has been telling me something is wrong and I've decided to trust it and I was right!

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 13/11/2023 11:23

Get your ducks in a row before you confront him. Who owns the house? Where is your passport and most important documents?

Do you have a brother or dad you can call on to be with you when you confront him? I was at the point of doing this with a dangerous ex, but in the end I managed it on my own.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 13/11/2023 11:23

I'm afraid you can't ask police to send someone in case it kicks off but you can get a friend to come and ask them to call 999 if it does.

Jewelspun · 13/11/2023 11:23

Confrontation and revealing you know all about him gives rise to an already deranged person to contemplate murdering you.

Can you not quietly divorce him?

murasaki · 13/11/2023 11:24

Gosh, he's really done a deep dive into this lie.

I'd be worried he'd get violent when accused of lying too.

ClawedButler · 13/11/2023 11:26

Oh goodness, so THAT'S why he didn't want you talking to his mum.

It's not just a lie, it's an entirely fabricated life.

If he's been aggressive, and recently, I would approach this situation VERY cautiously. You need to have other people around when you confront him with this - please don't be alone with him.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:27

My dad recently died and I don't have a brother. DIL has also passed so I can't get DIL & MIL around for support.

The only person I have near that's male is a colleague but I really don't want to drag my employer into this shit show

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 13/11/2023 11:30

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:21

House is jointly owned but he'll be damned if I'm the one leaving it. We only recently bought it and I sold my property to pay the deposit.

We're married and were talking kids... why wouldn't I trust the guy. I'm a fool.

Please, please tell me you ringfenced your deposit...

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:30

I have a thought. We have a ring doorbell that needs charging so I can go put it on charge so he can't see someone come over.

I have a friend who's an hour away and I can see if her partner is free. He's a 6ft4 guy who is plenty big enough that DH wouldn't... I don't think... try something.

OP posts:
bigpawsjames · 13/11/2023 11:30

How would people be able to identify your DH from the heart surgery scar when you yourself didn't know it was that?

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:31

PaminaMozart · 13/11/2023 11:30

Please, please tell me you ringfenced your deposit...

Show quote history

Irrelevant as we're married and it's the marital home ☹️

OP posts:
NovemberName · 13/11/2023 11:31

He's a Walt. Named after Walter Witty.

Unfortunately it's not uncommon.

I'm ex-military and this time of year brings them out in droves. Easy for me to spot but sadly civilian women are often fooled. Hundreds of them in OLD.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. These guys (and they're always men) are manipulative and sad bastards.

Def end your relationship. How could you believe anything he says in the future.

He probably has nightmares because of the lies he's living in and stressing him out.

Good luck sorting everything out.

Lovemychair · 13/11/2023 11:33

You need urgent legal advice, I hope you've made an appointment to see a solicitor.

Planesmistakenforstars · 13/11/2023 11:33

Please be really careful about confronting him OP. The lying is so elaborate and he's been so invested in it that there's a high chance he'll lash out. Could you do it in a public place? Or even at his mum's? Or have someone on speakerphone and warn him that if he kicks off they'll call the police?

billy1966 · 13/11/2023 11:33

Do not allow him into the house again.

Ring 101.

You have every right to be very afraid.

He's a complete nutcase.

Do not allow him back into the house when you are so physically vulnerable.

Any aggression from him could seriously injure you.

Pack a bag and ask his mother to collect it and direct him to hers.

You need to ring Women's aid and get legal advice.

Take this very seriously, its batshit.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

You poor woman.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:33

bigpawsjames · 13/11/2023 11:30

How would people be able to identify your DH from the heart surgery scar when you yourself didn't know it was that?

The reason behind the scar. Tied in with everything else it's very obvious who I am

OP posts:
Ahwhatthehell · 13/11/2023 11:33

Don’t do anything without back up op. Hope it all goes ok, what an awful shock.

JoeyRamonesHair · 13/11/2023 11:34

Thank god you didn't have children before discovering he was a delusional fool. Please don't confront him - get out and away, and leave the money side to emails and solicitors.

ChocoChocoLatte · 13/11/2023 11:34

This is fraud. There is no reason for you to delay calling the police on 101 and a solicitor. If you let him back in the house and he kicks off - then straight to 999

Flickersy · 13/11/2023 11:36

The property is jointly owned so OP doesn't have the legal power to kick him out or refuse him entry to the house.

OP, forget all this stuff about getting big burly men round to kick him out. If you are genuinely afraid then you need to leave ASAP.

Once you are safe, then you can take legal steps to have him kept away from the house or to sell the property.

At the moment neither you nor the police can force him to go unless he's already been violent etc, which he hasn't so far.

The priority now is you, not the house.

MadeForThis · 13/11/2023 11:39

Could your mil tip him off? Even phone him in anger? Be careful.

ChateauMargaux · 13/11/2023 11:40

What makes you think he will be violent towards you when you present him with the fact that you know he wasn't in the army?

Lovemychair · 13/11/2023 11:40

Flickersy · 13/11/2023 11:36

The property is jointly owned so OP doesn't have the legal power to kick him out or refuse him entry to the house.

OP, forget all this stuff about getting big burly men round to kick him out. If you are genuinely afraid then you need to leave ASAP.

Once you are safe, then you can take legal steps to have him kept away from the house or to sell the property.

At the moment neither you nor the police can force him to go unless he's already been violent etc, which he hasn't so far.

The priority now is you, not the house.

I agree, book a hotel for tonight and an urgent solicitor appointment for tomorrow if possible.
I know you've just had surgery but your safety is priority.

MrsCarson · 13/11/2023 11:41

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:31

Irrelevant as we're married and it's the marital home ☹️

Show quote history

That's not true. You need to talk to a solicitor and have proof of your money being the deposit etc etc.