Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

[CinnamonSwirl82]

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

Well done @CinnamonSwirl82 for putting up your boundaries.

Helluva update! Nice work & congratulations on being steadfast 👏

I went out with a very simar man initials R M-T double barrelled surname. Told some absolutely bizarre lies about being in the ar.y. he'd never been in the army. Must be late 60's or 70's by now. I dumped him as soon as I found out.

Its all about him, him saving face, his feeling. Selfish prick of a man. You deserve so much better.

You’re well rid of him and also his MIL too if she’s complicit in his lies!

If you do return to the house agreed take someone with you (bitter experience here) if necessary they can take your belongings and you don’t even need to see him face to face.

Well done! Stay strong and don't let him talk to you into anything. You've got this!

@CinnamonSwirl82 good on you girl- as I said in a previous post- I met someone who told me some real bullshit that didn't come to light till after I had already moved on with him and I spent 3 years then trying to work out how to get out. I think like you it was initially that he thought I wouldn't be interested if he was honest- actually that wasn't the case but I was seriously uninterested when I realised he was a serial fantasist

Well at least he's feeling better eh?! What a weirdo

https://www.caage.org/ might be useful

You're incredibly brave. This must have all been such a shock. The lack of remorse tells you all you need to know. It's horrific finding out someone you have shared so much with was not the person you thought they were. I had a similar experience although for so e reason I always said I didn't trust the man but couldn't quite put my finger on why - intuition! I was right. The fallout of him being exposed has been really unpleasant and still continues but they do lose their power once you see through them.

OP - you are so brave and strong, hope you get some head space and rest. And hope your operation heals quickly. The positive thing out of this shocking experience is you don't have DCs, so getting rid of him should be easier than having kids in the middle of this to think of.

Well done.

Please get good legal advice asap.

Check if its wise reporting to the police what he has done.

His stories/preoccupation about killing children is chilling.

He married you under false pretences.

See if you can use this information to your advantage to get him out of the house and simplify the transfer of the house into your sole name.

Play this as dirty as necessary to get rid of him permanently.

He is deeply disturbed.

I'm wondering whether the OP's husband might be the guy I knew. Claimed to have been a lieutenant in a particular regiment. Used to target shy girls. Would be fortyish now, I think.

HE feels better! Stay strong OP - you are doing the right thing.

As you have also already gathered from his lack of care for you since surgery -this man is in a long-term relationship...but only with himself.

The lies and his lack of remorse are bad but to me the fantasies of killing children are the bit there is no coming back from.

You could never be safe with a man who plays with thoughts of hurting/killing the vulnerable.

I’m really concerned you’ve given him details about your whereabouts. Aren’t you concerned for your safety?

OP said she hasn't told him where she is.

I wonder whether his dm knew he had form for this kind of thing and that’s why she immediately told you the truth and was horrified etc. From a psychological perspective it’s unlikely someone like this would just suddenly start making up monumental lies in his adulthood - I bet he’s been a pathological lier all his life.

Out of interest how did he bring the army stuff into conversation initially OP? (Feel free to ignore me, I’m just very interested in the psychology behind people who tell huge lies and think they’ll get away with it!!)

Hiya, firstly I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You need to get this man out of your house ASAP. We had the misfortune of growing up with a man like this in our house as children. My mum married him when I was 9 and we had 10 years of hell. He also lied about being in the Marines, being a pilot, having a child who died, illnesses, accidents, you name it, he lied about it. At a time when my mum was counting out change to put food on the table, this man was illegally drawing money from her account, stealing the rent money and buying drugs and alcohol, forging her signature on cheques.
Men like these are complete sociopaths and narcissists with no remorse. He will never admit he's in the wrong, it will always somehow be your fault. He will gaslight you and leave you a shell of yourself. Get out now would be my advice.

You've done amazingly to get out right away, OP, hats off to you!

I had no idea this sort of deception was so common. but it seems there are somany cases out there.

Is this primarily a male thing, do you think? I know of one woman who has done similar, who made up all sorts of wild stories when I was a student, but the majority of the stories seem to be about men.

It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to go to the house of closest family

I've not told him where I am. My mum doesn't live close to me and obviously I've left my car so he'll probably assume its somewhere local or within taxi's reach.

The Army stuff was straight from the beginning when we were getting to know each other. I can't remember exactly how he brought it up but there was the obvious health & mental issues he spoke about that he brought back with them. If he had anger issues from serving then I'd understand but now I just find it weird that he's such a ball of rage when he's had such a normal, boring life. Allegedly.

Weird he'd feel like he needed to lie to impress me. My life hasn't exactly been a contender for the world's best action novel, which makes me think its just even more bullshit lies.

Did you read the post? 😕

Glad you’re safe at your mums. It will be a lot to get your head around so just take this time to stop! and breathe. He probably fed you this lie as a cover for his anger, rage, manipulation etc then he can blame the so called PTSD on any abusive behaviour. He will pull out the mental health card and even though it might be true in the sense that he needs psychiatric treatment, he is not your problem to fix.

You do need a solicitor though and see what you can salvage from your down payment for house deposit.

Thank you for updating 💛

Well done @CinnamonSwirl82 , he’s a real piece of work.
When you go home get someone to go ahead with your keys, check he’s left. Also go over the house for cameras just in case he’s hidden one. https://uk.norton.com/blog/how-to/how-to-find-hidden-cameras
Then get all the locks changed as he’s probably copied keys.

The lie or fantasy or whatever it is is bad enough. However, you clearly fear for your safety, and possibly your life, if he gets angry. That is the massive takeaway for me reading your posts. Why hasn't that been enough in itself for you to leave him before now?