Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

[CinnamonSwirl82]

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

Have a friend or fam member come round and assist. Pack him up and bag of essentials and stick it in the doorstep. Text him to come home and speak to him from an upstairs window. Don't let him in. I'd have nothing to do with him. You love someone who doesn't exist...he's a fantasist and who knows what his capability is. File for divorce and stay well away. Wishing you well & luck OP ❤️

Get in touch with a family lawyer and also make sure your savings home etc are protected before you confront him. Have you got a trustworthy friend who can be there for you? This could turn very nasty. It's likely he has some sort of personality disorder.

How are you and pets and mum today? Rest and heal 🤗 and resist any attempt to 'hear him out' and certainly don't meet face to face and absolutely not alone.

He will probably have a story and a strategy long worked out and ready to roll in case you ever found him out.

In your shocked and physically vulnerable situation it would be easy to believe it and slip back.

He's a convincing liar, so any 'I'm sorry, forgive me, I'll do better, it'll be amazing' Mr Nice performance will also be just that. A LIE. Calculated to get everything back to how it was.

When he realises you've realised, Mr Nasty will emerge.

All communication via email and letter from now on. He can deny a spoken lie but not his own writing in an email.

I was married to a liar like that and he just got crazier and crazier. Be very careful… he will react.
make sure he hasn’t got keys etc or you’ll need to change the locks.
This man is crazy and you need to leave him. I think you know that anyway.
Make sure you have someone with you when you throw him out.
Keep in touch so we know you’re safe x

Defo not a spy, just a walt

Hope you are ok OP. It’s going to be a big upheaval with lots different emotions, at a time when you might already be feeling vulnerable after your operation. I hope your mum is looking after you. Thinking of you.

It's a short marriage so you may (with a decent lawyer) be able to get your deposit and other assets back. The marriage took place under a deception too so that should help your case. Also speak to women's aid (as others have said) they may have advice. Don't trust that his Mum will stay on your side. Get support from tour own trusted friends, work colleagues and/or family.

Leave!
Lawyer!
That's all!

Try reading the thread!

That is all!

Ahh the classic "I feel better now" tactic. Spoiler, he doesn't. Be prepared for an onslaught of anger, love bombing and begging OP.

So pleased you are safe and out.

I hope the friend you mentioned isn't the cuddler?

Glad you're out.

So sorry for all the bullshit you've had to go through with this loser OP. Just wondering, has he got a 'real' job now, or is he using all the lies regarding past 'trauma' etc to avoid getting a job and to sit on his backside and do nothing all day?

I haven't spoken to her since that night she got thrown out the house.

He's definitely working.

Don't call him out. Just silently make your plans to leave or kick him out and change the locks. If it's the latter it's a good idea to request support from the domestic abuse team in your local police force. Whichever way you do it. Don't confront him it's a waste of time and energy and increases the risks of him hurting you massively.

You already know he has lied about everything so what can he possibly say to make you believe a word he says ever again. The man is a narc. Let him go

My heart breaks for all you're dealing with right now, OP.

I want to echo a PPs comment:

DO NOT EVER be alone with this man. Don't be lulled into a false sense of security. Don't think that this will gradually simmer down with time. As this PP said, it may be that when he finally realises you're never going back that his real rage and aggression will emerge.

Stay safe, never see this man again.

RTFT or at least click see all on op's posts.

I just wanted to reiterate OP (so sorry you’ve gone through this as it sounds horrendous), do not be alone with this man or go to get your belongings alone.

I say this having had a best male platonic friend for 7 years who I dated for a short time, he lied about some things but not many, anyway he was violent and twisted and I’d had a couple of warning signs but chose to ignore them. He probably wouldn’t do anything but was certainly unpleasant enough to realise that me collecting belongings from his flat by myself was foolish. I should’ve took my best mate who offered to go with me.

As @tattygrl says this man may try to lull you into a false sense of security, that he’s changed etc. He hasn’t and won’t. If anything I think these characters are quite dangerous because they like and invent mind games.

Did his Mum not tell you what he’d actually been doing for those years that he was supposedly in the army? Can he explain to you what he was up to? Maybe he was in prison? Doesn’t matter as hopefully he’s out of your life for good now but I’d just want to know the real truth. Good luck with everything.

She just said about jobs he'd had, which he'd told me about. Everything lined up bar the military stuff which I found it odd she never mentioned but likewise I trusted that it was because she was upset over what happened, like he'd said.

The Walt at my work purported to be an expert on military history. Took a while before I realised that he was getting all his info from watching 'Sharpe' and being in a reenactment society.

I was asked to provide a reference when he applied for another job. I pointed out that he'd missed his army service on his application form. "Oh, I always miss that out. Some places don't like it when people have been in the army."

@WearyAuldWumman luckily when I met my ex fiance, he was on leave staying with a cousin and his wife and I got to know by phone and letters his mom (she wanted to ring and write to me). He was from another country though (Canada).

From OP’s army ex H details, it’s extremely rare from what I know, to serve only 3 years in the army and then come out/be discharged, but maybe you can be bought out. I partly know that as my ex fiance served under Canadian army for UN peace keeping forces in Yugoslavia and it was his first tour. He couldn’t fight back and was traumatised over it (PTSD he suffered later) and wanted to leave after it ended (he was going to join the Mounties) but as far as I know he couldn’t leave. I’d broken off the engagement anyway but we were living in London before both of us were going to marry and move to Canada.

I don’t know many ex army people who’ve gone onto jobs outside the army (I do know someone who joined MOD) but the ones I do know are proud of being in the army no matter what they’ve done/what’s happened whilst there and they’d definitely put it on an application form as a reference.

What happened? Are you OK?

I know that it was common for men to become short-term regulars (3 yrs) during post-war National Service in the UK - you got higher pay than a National Serviceman who only did 2 years.

It's probably very different now.

My late husband was very proud of his army service.

Are his initials MP?

Stop trying to guess who he is!! Jesus!!