Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

[CinnamonSwirl82]

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

I wonder if his anger could because he hasn't been a soldier, or anything exciting, but wanted to be one? (Just musing).

Of course, it doesn't matter in the least what the reasons behind it are, only that you and the pets are safe.

Your phone call with him is proof that he's a dangerous psychopath
Continue to rest up with your Mum and pets while you process this
My thoughts are with you

I agree with PPs Yours is a 'marriage of short duration' and it can all be disentangled and shorted to your benefit.

File ASAP.

I'm glad you're resting up at Mum's. You do need to see a solicitor as soon as you possibly can so you can have the info you need to make decisions and plans regarding divorce, the house, and your own future.

I'd probably give serious thought to relocating if that's at all a possibility.

Weird he'd feel like he needed to lie to impress me

Also, imagine thinking "Hmm, what could I tell this girl that would really impress her? I know, I'll tell her I once killed a load of kids." Like, I can see why he maybe thought the military connection might impress you (although that says a lot more about him than it does about you) but surely if you were just trying to impress someone, you would talk up the imagined acts of heroism and endurance, rather than the less impressive elements of military life such as, er, PTSD and murder?

OP it might be worth you her g a disclosure under Claire’s law die your fears of violence, it may shine more of a light onto his character.

Well done! You’ve not fallen for the manipulation and you are keeping your reality and not letting him gaslight you. I think it’s great that you’ve not told him where you are either.

Stay strong. Right now, he probably still thinks he can fix this. Don’t be deceived by his lack of anger just yet - that may still come once he knows this is actually over. Also, he may try your mum’s eventually - so have a plan in place for if he just turns up. I would suggest that plan would involve the police too.

I’ve been going through some stuff at work, but have been thinking about you through the day. It’s odd watching a stranger go through something like this in real time. I’m really rooting for you.

I think you’re brave to have confronted this and to have got a handle on your own safety even when dealing with the shock and initial emotions.

keep us updated ❤️‍🩹

Get yourself well. Then throw his sorry arse out.

This brings back memories of a guy I dated who told all sorts of lies that were so big that normal people would assume they could not be lies when you rationalise from an honest persons perspective. The last lie was so outrageous I just knew it had to be fabricated and even then I went on a mission to find out because I couldn’t phantom someone able to lie to this degree. It’s the most shocking thing to realise. I felt deeply disturbed afterwards. I still get shudders when I think of him spinning his lies and I was trying to be supportive at the time. I find these kind of people quite sick. I’m usually a very rational person and I was taken in but luckily like you I didn’t explain it away in the end and met it head on. You and I learned a valuable lesson - don’t judge people by our own standards.

OMG CinnamonSwirl82, you need to be so careful here. Who knows what you are dealing with. If you are fragile after surgery build back and regain your strength and health before confronting him. Then do so from a safe place, or just get out and go. How can he redeem himself after lying like this?

I’d also get 111 round for the chat. And then tell him to get his things and be gone. Mental.

Claire's law is a really good idea.

Is there any way he'll be able to read this- on an iPad or laptop or old phone or passwords etc?? I hope not as you've said you're at your mums x

Also Ex police officer here- phone 101 to arrange officers to meet you at your home address when you are ready to collect your things or he collects his things.. They will come to prevent a breach of the peace.

Be careful Op, he's sold you a pack of lies and now I can't believe he'll give up on you just like that. He's already trying to say he never meant it and he's happy now you know the truth, he's going to try and minimize it all and say how happy he is now you he can be honest with you and you can start again, I really can't see him letting you go easily. Please remember that a man who can lie like that will do it again, and again. Quite honestly, there's something deeply wrong with a man who will make up lies about killing children and I wouldn't trust him alone with me. Stay safe

Yep, if hes anything like the guy I knew...

He's going to be re-writing history in his head already.

He is going to be inventing all sorts of stuff thats happened to him, that you've said/done etc.

He may be a danger to you, he may be a danger to himself (far less likely), it depends if he has accepted you are gone and thats a done deal and as you have a house to sort out and a marriage to end, unlikely.

I'd ensure all communication with him is in writing from now on and you keep records of everything.

Do not be with him alone. Ever.

His current persona revolves around being someone who has done awful things and is damaged by that.

So - is capable of killing = be scared, he's scary.

Is blameless for that = not his fault, someone else made him do it.

Damaged and broken by it = needs looking after, poor him...

I can easily see how he can re-write his marriage to you, in his eyes. Id take a stab at...

He's looked after you through your surgery and poor health, selflessly, at great personal cost, squashing down his own pain and suffering. And now you've found out some awful (but not his fault) secret about him and you've upped and left and stolen his pets/all the money/etc....

And thats one of the more benign things I can think of there. The guy I knew told me one of his ex's had stabbed him in the gut (showed me a scar, clearly appendectomy and he had forgotten he'd shown it me years earlier!) and cleared out his house! She'd just found out his lies took her stuff and left.

@ClawedButler I read it as the mum confirmed he'd been in the forces. The poster was not allowed to ask his mother anything about his past. That was the original red flag.

OP, you said he comes from a serving family, could it be that he's trying to cover up what he sees as his weakness(heart) in not following army tradition? That could also be why his fantasies are even more extreme (they didn't happen, but it gives him a tough persona). Having said this,to be found out will not just anger him ,but also devestate him, so yes proceed with caution for your own safety. You will also no doubt find out other lies and deceit brace yourself.

Can anybody please link the cuddling on the sofa thread?

Can you possibly have mil around yours, in another room maybe when you ask him.

Thank goodness you and your pets are safe with your mum.
Stay strong, you can do this.

He’s bloody dangerous

I also need to read cuddling on sofa with friend post…

I'm glad you and you're pets are safe, op. You've been incredibly strong.

Aww OP how awful and my heart hurts for you. I hope you get answers and please keep safe xx