Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

[CinnamonSwirl82]

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

Rest up, op. You can make decisions when you're better x

Sending you lots of strength and love OP. It's understandable you must be feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and homesick. And it's normal for doubts to set in about whether you've done the right thing but, even just knowing a fraction of what your partner is like and capable of, it sounds like you have absolutely made the right decision to keep yourself safe and happy in the long run. Keep being kind and gentle with yourself, and take all the time you need to make any other decisions.

Totally get that you're thinking that you should have tried to muddle on but don't lose sight of the fact that his lies were seriously disturbed. In a way, an affair isn't half as bad, at least you don't have to worry about his mental state in the same way as you do if he's making up stuff about children being killed. That's not normal and probably wouldn't be helping your recovery from illness either x

It's ok to ignore it for a while. Or just tell him you want a clean break and not fight that fight. One morning you'll wake up and do a little then go and hide away again and of you do that enough times, you will get there, I promise.

The friend is a distraction btw. If she takes the crazy bloke off your hands and you get a clean break from this delusional man with violent thoughts, then she's with her weight in gold. What a prize she would win...

I totally agree that ‘muddling on’ wasn’t/isn’t an option at all OP. As low as you must be, please don’t consider taking that step backwards.
He’s potentially a dangerous man with his lies and killing talk. He lives a fantasy life so that none of him was ever real. He made you flounder around in his fantasy too, never able to feel secure. It’s no life at all OP, not being able to attach properly to him…everything is meaningless. So shocking for you to have finally understood the truth about him. It means you now have a major psychological recovery to deal with as your past slowly reveals itself for what it truly was -built on lies.

You did right to remove yourself from him and to make yourself and your pets safe….that was top priority. You did that successfully in spite of your recent surgery which will of course, also be brining you right down and be contributing to the shock of feeling somehow misplaced with all the familiar home comforts gone -for your pets too. But that’s on him.

More than anything else, the priority now has to be your recovery from surgery as all this extra shock will have been a major set back. So please concentrate on that for now if at all possible. Everything else can wait.
Praying that your mum can give you time and understanding enough to see you over this hurdle. And then eventually your path forward will become much clearer.

None of this was your fault OP. It’s all on him. He can’t be trusted even when he seems rational and sorry. Keep trusting your instincts. Don’t go backwards. Give yourself time. Hold on in there !

You are not a fool!! x

Omg..what a situation....p.m. me and i will help you all i can

You are strong enough and you can do this. The solicitor is there to help you.
im going through a divorce now and I never thought I'd be brave or strong enough to leave my husband and then cope after. However it turns out I am stronger and more capable than he ever let me feel. You've got this. You've got your mum. You can do this and you should.

How are you getting on op? I know it’s been a couple months now

I'm as okay as I can be. Just focusing on my health, or lack of.

Going through counselling with OH as I believe he suffers from narcissism or some other personality disorder. Found a therapist who is 'no bullshit' and has been very harsh giving him a reality check. He's at arms length and things aren't anywhere near normal; separate bedrooms, etc.

I've got more important battles to win at the moment so as long as he keeps going to those sessions then it's one less thing for me to worry about and I'll get to decision making/separation if and when it comes to it.

Thank you for asking ❤️

My thought was NPD too OP. I recognise the completely delusional, sham life he built up and dragged you into. Seeming wonderful at first. The lies that come out more easily than telling the truth.
NPD though means he's completely dysfunctional, there's no cure. He'll have little empathy, no remorse, no ability to genuinely care for anyone apart from himself IME. He might do really nice, kind things and everyone think he is wonderful - but his only reason for doing those things will be because he wants the praise. Everything about him will be shallow and superficial. There will be no depth.
This is not someone to stay with OP, I promise you that. You will never get anything genuine that you want or need from him because for whatever reason he is just too broken.

No, and I completely agree. But right now my health is more important as somehow I've got even worse since making this post. I'm letting the professional do her job and take the burden off me.

Last thing I need is to be potentially homeless, jobless, cut off from the world, etc, when I'm at my most vulnerable. The stress is only going to make me worse.

Just need to find out what the future holds for me and get to some form of normal health... as much as I can.

He's been horrifically selfish these past years, so I'm going to do the same and put my needs first. He'll get what's coming to him.

Yes OP, that's the right way to handle it. Just do what's best for you now. Just don't let him fool you again, narcissists can be extremely charming. And at therapy all they tend to learn is how to be better at pretending they're not narcissists.

Not how to be normal, just how to be better at pretending.

Thinking of you @CinnamonSwirl82. Hope you are doing OK xx