To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

If the stepson is living with you and his father what contribution is his mother making towards his support, you know, the money a father would be expected to pay?

What school year is your stepchild in? Y8 or Y10?

Is moving house an option?

@JudgeJ Zero, because they fund the rest of the private school fees and have made it clear they cannot pay us anything. So we are paying a huge amount in ‘maintenance’ (which stepchild’s mum puts towards the school) plus all of stepchild’s daily living expenses, which is a brand new cost we weren’t finding before.

@Chlorinara Year 8. Moving house is not an option.

this is what I was going to say. the travel seems to be the biggest factor here and for a start the weekend trips for socials has to be cut down so that your partner also spends some time with his other DC.

however, it must have been hard for your DSS to adjust to this new situation of living with you and I imagine there may have been some difficulties at mum's home which is why he moved. so maybe give some time eg. until after Xmas to broach the subject again? I have a feeling your partner will be exhausted and fed up of all the driving by then...

Is petrol money for travel to school accounted for as part of maintenance?

@LittleGlowingOblong Stepchilds mother doesn’t pay us anything. Without DPs maintenance to her, she couldn’t afford the private school fees. We cannot reduce the maintenance or stepchild’s mum couldn’t pay the school fees. So we are paying for all of stepchild’s daily living expenses plus masses in petrol costs and train fares.

Would it be better to take on paying the fees directly and claiming maintenance from the mother and also child benefit?

@Caffeinequeen91 No, she wouldn’t pay us any maintenance because her income is so low… I actually don’t know how she affords her half of the fees.

If you give mum half of the school fees as you always have why are there new costs?
I assume you have her school fees and surplus for other expenses so now you just keep hold of that? Outside of fuel costs I’m not understanding why the new set up costs so much more.

If his Dad thinks he should stay put then I think that’s what he has to do. You don’t have to do the school runs though and he should respect that. Blended families are hard work for lots of reasons.

Assume you *gave her

Why doesn't your DP just pay the school fees and cover all the costs? I don't get why he is paying "maintenance" when the child lives full time with you. Surely she should be paying the child support?

How are your finances arranged- is your DH paying all of this out of his own spending money or from family funds? If the latter, you ought to have a say.

Agree with pp on dropping naibtenabce altogether and paying any fees directly if necessary. Makes it easier for you to make changes as well since DSS mum won't get a vote.

Does the train take longer than 45mins? I would be reluctant to move the child tbh as they sound like they have had lots of upheaval going from living with their mum to now living with dad

DP couldn’t afford to pay the entire school fee bill. We will not get any money from his ex as her income is very low. She lives with a boyfriend, who I assume must pay towards the fees, but her actual income is very low.

The reason we are struggling financially is because we are still paying the ‘maintenance’ for the school fees (which is neither here nor there) AND all of stepchild’s living expenses, where they only used to come every other weekend. So we are paying for all food, clothing, toiletries, spending money, petrol, train fares etc. We cannot afford the huge ‘maintenance’ (half the school fees bill) plus everything else comfortably.

@Hankunamatata The train is 90 minutes one way, which is why DP so often gives stepchild lifts.

And why is DSC not getting the bus to school? Surely he should be capable of getting himself there. Have either of parents spoken to the school? Explain the situation, you may be eligible for a small bursary. Then mum needs to hand over payment of school fees to you and whatever maintenance you pay her stop then she contributes accordingly.

YABU. You can’t tell the child to leave private school and go to a local comprehensive with only four years to go - which I assume means they’re already studying for GCSEs? They’d get eaten alive as the posh kid at the local comp and have no mates. The psychological consequences would be a big deal.

Has the family applied to all possible bursaries?

I don’t get why the child can’t just go back to live with their mum.

It sounds like the bill for the fees is in mums name which is why she’s paying for it from OP’s dh contribution he sends her every month.

of course there are extra costs with a child living with you for example…

-food
-clothing
-shoes
-school supplies
-extra water, soap and shampoo
-travelling costs as he’s no longer in his school area

I would talk to the school first. There may well be bursaries that could help you. The school runs are a pain, I do understand that, but I think I'd try and keep the child there if possible, they have already been through quite a bit of change.

Honestly yanbu ..

but a decision needs to be made by the end of this school year . Some schools start GCSE’s in some subjects at year 9..

The only thing I would say . Are you quite rural ? You will be doing lots of drop off and collections regardless if so .

@AHelpfulHand This is exactly right, thank you. The travelling money being so so expensive, whether it’s by car or train, it’s gone up exponentially.

That poor child. Being uprooted in year 8 would be absolutely awful for them, at a really vulnerable time when they can no longer live with their mum. You got with a man who already had a child, that brings compromise and sacrifice.

Then you have to change schools-and I’d do it ASAP before the start of year 9 and beginning the curriculum for GCSEs

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 I’ve tried to tell DP this but he won’t listen, despite the fact we are now struggling to make ends meet and the travelling is having negative consequences for everyone in the family, including our other DC.