To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Op you will have to acknowledge how devastating this will be to your stepchild and the impact that such a decision could have on their mental wellbeing. Moving schools is daunting enough but having to after moving to the NRP, is massive. They will be essentially losing life as they know it.

I can totally understand your DP’s reluctance, I kept DD at her old school for a term which meant a daily two hour round trip and associated costs. Talk to your partner let him know you understand how distressing and painful it will be to essentially throw a grenade into his child’s life but unfortunately the finances won’t stretch. Encourage your partner to make a spreadsheet so he can see the issues in black and white.

The advice to check bursaries with the school is very sound, especially as has been pointed out, she may not actually be paying the full amount.

My dd changed from state to private in year 9 as she wasn’t coping with her former school. What is your dss like? What is the local comp like? Some private school kids can thrive in a state setting. Others cannot. The other option is to look for a cheaper private school.

@MrsElijahMikaelson1
Lots of schools start GCSEs in year 9. Year 10 would be too late. Science for dd is 3 years.

Yes, I thought that, too.
It would also be helpful to know why DSS can't live with his mother now or ever- does he see her? Does he do any overnights there or is that out of the question too?
Personally I think firstly his mother is doing some kind of a scam here, and you should contact the school direct about getting the invoice sent to you and DH as DSS is now living with you, and discuss the possibility of a bursary.
Secondly, speak to DSS and get his views on moving school- he must be aware of the financial and time issues, especially if some of the time he gets the train. There's been a lot of upheaval in his life, and there must be a backstory leading to current state of affairs. What he does he think?

WTF...
Eaten alive i na comprehensive school? Have you ever set foot in one?
I had students who moved from private to state and survived and did really well, and adjusted like everyone else who would move school.
Only 4 years as well, if it was 6 months than yeah, but 4 years of incredible expenses and journeys OP can't afford is a lot.
OP said the child cant go back to live with the mum, so it's not for you to not get.

Has your DH seen the school fees account? If the mum is on a low income she may be getting a means tested bursary based on her income alone, and therefore your DH's contribution is the fees being payed and she's actually paying very little herself. This could change if his permanent residence is now with his Dad who earns more than mum.

I agree with others that DC needs to be given a choice. If they want to stay at that school then they need to live at mums during the week. If they live with Dad they go to a local school

This is the issue. And until you’ve sorted this you need to continue with the situation. Stop maintenance. Pay school fees directly. Report mum to CSA.

When you’ve done that revisit the situation.

Or maybe the mother of the child could get a better paying job to pay for the fees of her own kid?

He either moves back to his mum, or changes to a local school - I wouldn’t be continuing this for 4 years

No they previously paid their half of the school fees. So previously mother was paying half of school and 109% of everything else. Now it is the other way around.

Put your foot down, OP.

DSS must leave school at Christmas unless he goes back to live with his mother .

In your place I'd tell DH I would leave unless he agreed. It is unsustainable. So unfair on your DC.

He needs to stop paying maintenance. And if they want their child to go to a school that far away from their home then they need to decide together how her social life with friends will work. While it isn't DSS fault he lives miles away from them he does need to accept that he does.

Can you not buy a cheap electric car to cut your fuel costs

I work in the finance department of a private school. Absolutely not a chance we would give a bursary to a single parent based on their own income, we would look at the combined income and assets. If we don’t receive the information from both parents, the application will go no further, I believe this is standard practice. So OP or her DH would definitely know if there is a bursary assessment.

Sadly when we do have problems with fees being paid it is usually the dad (perhaps a step mum in the background), that we can’t get money out of. The mum usually finds a way.

Year 8 I’d definitely move schools. He could do 6th form there too so you’re looking at years of this expense and not fair if your other child can’t go to private school, or no family holidays etc. Child should move school (September would have been a good time but January would work) and mother can pay maintenance to you for his living costs. It’s just not manageable financially or practically

The first thing you need to do is find out where the other half of the fees are coming from. Bursary? Family member? If you let the situation continue and the child moves into gcse years and then the source of the other half of the fees ends it will be a disaster for the child having a move forced on them mid GCSEs.
Much better you find out now and if necessary move the child at the end of year 8. There’s also time to join local sports clubs and other groups to make local friends before starting a new school.

Private schools often run Cisco services/mini bus as they tend to have much wider catchment so you should check.

I think the DA should stay in the school the poor kid has had enough disruption.

If the school does flexiboarding could he stay a couple of nights? My DD14 loves flexi boarding and it's probably cheaper than the petrol.

I don't understand why he can't stay with his mum in the week. Why has he moved into yours?

Start looking for schools now.
Year 8 is the ideal time to move him, give him a couple of years to settle before GCSE's.
He'll be fine. Sure he'll meet the odd idiot who will mock his background but there are nice kids out there who will accept him for who he is.

I'd be assuming that the grandma who chose the school is paying the other half of the fees and that the money your DH is paying is being used elsewhere.

YABU
But I understand your frustration. It can’t be easy.

Was the DSS already in private school when you had your baby? Or was this a choice made afterwards.
Either way, choices have been made by your DH.

Was the mum previously paying for all the living costs on her own OP?

So the only thing your DH was paying for was half the school fees and nothing else?

Surely now you are just doing the same as the mother did then?
She is now contributing half of the school fees.

I also don't agree that it was the mother that chose to put the child in private school. That was a joint decision (your husband did start paying the fees, it was an active choice). He (and you now) need to live with the consequences of that choice.

Please don’t make the child leave school. This is a big enough adjustment as it is. However, do make them get a train. They can choose: lift and move schools or train and stay there. My DS gets a bus to school and it takes over and hour and then a 15 minute walk. He really wanted to go to that school and lifts weren’t an option. It hasn’t killed him.

Also, if there is a train, then they can get that at weekends to see friends. It may be costly, but I suspect buying a term time pass will ultimately be cheaper than the petrol and worth is for the lack of stress.

@Morriet

The whole issue arises from the child living within walking distance from their school, to now refusing to live walking distance from their school - causing hundreds of pounds in travel costs that you neither the mother can afford and 3 hours of travel per day.

Two options for the child.

1. you live in the house with the parent that allows the school to remain affordable to both parents

2. you stay in the house you prefer, but the school has to change

Why exactly is it impossible for the child to live with their mother during the school week anymore when this is what they have always done?

Op I honestly can’t believe you live in a location where you’re not at least able to run him 10-15 minutes to a nearby drop off point where the bus collects from. Certainly around here every private senior school has bus routes running 45 minutes to an hour in all directions.

Start paying the school directly. Ask to be reassessed for a bursary, see how it goes.

Put in a claim for child benefit and see if you are entitled to universal credit. The mother probably still claims these.

In year 8, yeah I would probably move schools if both parents can't afford it and there's no bursaries.

The driving everywhere though - welcome to the teen years.

Surely there is a bus to the private school isn’t that one of the services they generally offer? In one way yabu, but driving them/ picking up the slack at home from the time that he spends driving isn’t your responsibility.

DP should not be paying maintenance, the mum should be paying it to him.

I would speak to the school and explain the situation and see what financial help is available.

I’d also look into if there is accommodation on site or some areas have host families that he can stay with during the week.

I think he’s had a lot of upheaval recently and there are going to be a lot of emotions he’s feeling but perhaps not showing just yet.

I think moving schools right now would be the absolute worst thing to do.

At the minute you have a child who has had to move out of his residential home and the trauma that brings and the reasons for it.
The result is a long journey and stretched finances.

You do not want a child that ends up going to a different school and having to cope with making new friends, feeling isolated and lonely, perhaps being made fun of or bullied or getting into the wrong crowd.
You are at risk of making a rod for your back and ending up with a very challenging teenager.

Years 8 and 9 can be quite challenging in secondary school too and I’d try and avoid these if possible.
I definitely wouldn’t move him half way through the year.

Get the money off of the mum.
Find out about financial help.
Perhaps find out about becoming residential.
But I’d continue to let him go until at least the end of this academic year.

Perhaps re-visit it in March/April and go from there.