To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Boarding usually adds a minimum of a third on.
Thats full boarding including weekends, if it’s just weekly obviously not so much.
Worth costing up the difference though between travel and food etc

You are all making hige sacrifices for this DC. Will the younger DC have as much investment in their education? It would be different if you have any children of your own previous relationships, but each child who he is biological father to deserves an equal share of his wealth. Is he doing more for his DC1 than he will be able to maintain for younger half-siblings?

I agree with all this. I attended a state school (temporarily!) after private and the difference was marked, and I stood out as the 'posh' kid.
Plus speak to the school if you're struggling. There's a possibility they may be able to help.

And I have a child in final years of private school and I've had it suggested I move her with two years to go, because of financial difficulties. Absolutely no way.

I agree that your DP should contact the school and explain the change in circumstances, that he’s struggling to keep his child at the school.

The school can probably help with a bursary-he should speak to them now, don’t wait until the end of the school year.

Does the maintenance only cover half of the school fees, and nothing else? Can he start to pay them directly to the school?

If the 'maintenance' is half the school fees, and the mother pays the other half, she is paying exactly the same as your DH used to, despite having a significantly lower income. While your expenses will have increased to cover his food/cloths, this would have also been the case in reverse when he was living with mum. If you believe your DH's financing of his child was far then, I don't see how you can claim it is suddenly unfair for the mother to give the same now.

@Morriet The mother should not have enrolled child at private school without discussing it first with father. The father must have agreed and that is why he paid such a large amount in maintenance! Is the maintenance he pays exactly half the school fees? It is simple to change the direct debit to come from your husbands account. he should not be paying for her! Someone previously asked and did not receive and answer as to why child could no longer live with mother. what is the answer to that question? If csa were to become involved the mother would be forced to pay a sum for child. she does not appear to have child at all. Do you have proof of exactly how much school fees should be per month, bearing in mind that the school fees do not come out of bank over summer months when schools are closed. check the school transport, most private schools run buses for outlying areas, my grandchildren went to school an hours drive away from home and bus collected them

Could you rent your house out and rent a cheaper one nearer the school until your dsc finishes there?

Am I correct in thinking the child has only been at the school for 1 year?
I'd normally agree that moving would not be good however 1 year in and 4 to go perhaps a closer school would be better.
The journey sounds too much and what happens when the weather gets worse and there's possibly snow and ice.

Some of the comments? Can you guys not read or are you being purposely obtuse?

I moved schools in year 8, although I never went to private school. I made loads of friends and was a straight A student. Your son will be absolutely fine moving to a local state school. He can still see his friends some weekends and over the holidays. Less stress for everyone. Also, stop sending money to the ex when she doesn't even have her son full time.

The travel time is no good for anyone. And it is a waste of money.
Rent out your own home and find a rental close to the school. Would the exwife consider swapping houses for four years?

Speak to the school about scholarships.
Redo the maintenence arrangements and call a spade a spade. Your SCs mother should be paying more. Would she consider getting a better paying job so that her child can continue at school?
The mother and father of the child need to sit in the same room and discuss practical solutions. The child should not feel like a sandwich here.

Does your DH actually do that school run every day though? And is your step son actually living with you full time now? You said he can’t live with his mother full-time but I don’t think you have said what the new split is. Is he still living with his mum part of the week and that’s why your dh is only doing the school run several times a week?

Also, if your child is just a baby now then by the time he goes to secondary school your dh will have stopped paying for his stepson and could presumably contribute to your child’s school fees in the same amount.

Seems blooming crazy they chose private school anyway. Anyway, unless the school has transportation you don't have a choice do you. It's crazy. State school is the only option here.

Have you explored train options more? 90 minutes is a long commute but it frees up you/your husband.

What about train passes or split fare apps?

It clearly won’t feasible for them to continue at the school, it’s hard but that distance can not be kept up long term and will also impact them and if you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it.

How was she able to afford the other stuff before when SC was living with her? You know like food, clothes… the stuff you have now taken on.

Are there any other kids nearby that go to the school that you can share the school run with?

I went to a private school that was a 40m drive away. There was a boy in my town, different year, who went there and we did a 1 week each lift share. He had a 100% sport scholarship I remember, we didn't live in the rich areas that the other kids lived in. I wasn't friends with him, nice boy, nice mum, we never spoke in the car, but it was a lift arrangement and worked very well. DM would drop me at his which was 10 mins en route, or we would pick him up en route depending on whose week it was.

His mum was a single mum, it was a good arrangement for both.

Child has a choice, go back and live with mum or go to state school, sad but that's the choice. A three hour commute is not possible long term.

Even if you do make your stepson change schools, I assume you do still plan to sometimes make the drive on weekends, so that he can continue to see his friends from the private school? Let's be frank: he's already going to be pretty upset with you if you make him change schools against his will. If you also say "oh by the way, you can never see your friends again," you can probably count on having a genuinely hostile relationship with your stepson moving forward.

In short, I think you have a duty to truly examine every other possible option before changing schools. Because if you do change schools and it goes badly eg he is bullied at the new school your stepson will blame you for ruining his life. And it would be pretty hard to argue with him, to be honest.

Exactly, lots of children move schools. He has only been thete a year so far. This is just not feasible!.either he moves back with mum or moves schools. If he is given lots of support, he will be fine.

I never felt any shame about that I should add, many of the parents had different situations. I did sometimes find it hard we couldn't afford the extra holidays that other kids seemed to go on. But most of my friends had parents who just worked hard to make it work, weren't particularly cash rich and overall it was not a flashy school, although there were are a few families that appeared that way. I think I had part academic scholarship and part top up bursary.

Why has no one asked why it has "become impossible" for the child to continue living with their mother? Presume it's the mother's partner? Anyway the child is old enough to be included in the discussion here - they are told the truth - if you want to stay at the school then you'll have to go back to your mums. We can't continue as we are - if you want to live here then the school with have to change end of

Hell would freeze over before I beggared myself over your husband's ex-wife's delusions of grandeur of a private school for her child which is unaffordable in terms of fees and transport and time for your partner and seemingly has only been possible by the "generosity" of the mother's partner who is presumably the reason why your stepson cannot live with the mother. (There is no guarantee that he will continue to be generous either and that generosity could end at the most inappropriate time for your stepson - like two terms into his final year there.) Lots of people have had to remove children from private schools given the cost of living crisis. Your husband expects you to scrimp and save to give your stepson something which your own child will never be entitled to. I think I would be telling your husband that he is looking at another failed marriage and maintenance. It is simply not affordable with an ex-wife with hardly any income and your husband who is supporting another child.

I say this as somebody who did remove my child from private schooling - not for money but because the teaching was not first rate and some of the children were appalling. It was my son's choice and he seamlessly slotted back into the state school system, never referred to his past schooling, and is now a fourth year medical student. I did consider my other son might benefit from private schooling but when I factored in the travel time and the fact that all his school friends would be on the other side of the city, I decided to turn down his place and focus on extra tutoring which was both cheaper and less time consuming.