To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Oh how the other half live. Each to their own, but I personally think this is madness. Quite simply you cant afford (finanitally) to send them to this school, and (emotionally) to keep ferrying them backwards and forwards like this. I understand having moved schools 9 times as a child through no fault of my own, and moving my own daughter move schools twice, how guilty it will make you feel. However children are resilient and this is completely necessary for your relationship and marriage. Plus the whole maintenance issue is incredibly odd, knock that on the head and demand some sort of maintenance from the mum, if shes been coughing up for some school fees she can pay for food and clothes.

So previously the parents were each paying half the school fees and mum was paying all the living expenses?

You keep saying your husband was paying maintenance, but he wasn't! He paid half the shared fees and nothing towards the child's other living expenses.

Yes, you've ended up a bit worse off now you're paying school travel, but your husband has been short changing his ex for years and you've gone along with it! And now you're just upset that you're the ones being short changed not her.

Your poor stepson, having a mother he can't live with and a father who resents paying toward his upkeep.

@CynicalOne Hear Hear. I've never seen such nonstop unpleasantness as I have on this thread from @Muddybooties.

Hundreds of messages, all based in complete fantasy. Not to mention shocking lack of understanding of everything from university fees to how maintenance works.

With a constant twisting of everything, to try and stay "in the right" when proved wrong.

It has been truly relentless, and for some reason that poster cannot seem to walk away or leave it alone.

Even when OP themselves has corrected her, it's continued. Really nasty stuff.

I think saying only social catch ups every other weekend and embedding child i to a local sports club or other weekend activities to form local friendships will
help

Another presumptuous comment. Theres no way of knowing how sc will react and develope moving schools. Plenty of children move schools and thrive. My experience of moving schools as a child, having many friends who moved schools and working in several schools is that the new kid is usually flavour of the month and very popular. Of course there is no guarantee of that, however the sc having to move schools and that being an unknown is not a reasonable reason to continue bankrupting the family and step mum and or dad having a breakdown. OP is 100% to advocate for her child and marriage.

Child either lives with mum and stays at private school OR lives with dad and attends a school near by.

Children move house and change school all the time. Crazy to move that distance and consider staying in the same school.

@NonSequentialRhubarb DP has paid maintenance, his legal duty through the CMS, and has always contributed towards school trips, clothes, extras when asked. He has always been very generous with money when stepchild came to stay on the weekends and holidays (we both have). We have taken stepchild on holidays, days out… they have never been shortchanged from a monetary perspective.

It was stepchild’s mum who decided to use his entire maintenance payment to fund private education, which DP never expressed any interest in and was quite happy for stepchild to go to a comprehensive. If it wasn’t for stepchild’s mum using the maintenance money to fund private school, DP wouldn’t have to pay anything now.

@OnceUponAThread

I cannot bear the bullying that poor @Morriet has been subjected to!

Some posters have absolutely delighted in twisting everything that OP has posted, making gross assumptions based on their own biases and one poster even went as far as to detail her life insurance policy in case she died and her DC had a stepmother like OP!

In another recent (past couple of days) thread about an abusive father, there was a post about the abuse that someone went through at the hands of a stepmother, and OP is nothing like that stepparent!

OP has done nothing but support her DP and DSS, even at the detriment of her own DC, and yet, that still isn’t enough!

I despair sometimes of the complete lack of empathy and understanding that some posters show, not just on this thread but others too!

Hooray for the sisterhood 🙄

Other children survive changing school and homes, I don't see why your step child can't do the same. It doesn't take them long to get new friends, and it's not fair on you, your partner or you other child, just to make your step child happy!

It sounds like maybe as well as drawing up a financial budget, it could be a useful exercise to draw up time budgets for the whole family. Some are being asked to pay more in time and money than others, it seems. A young baby is in the most formative time of its life.

Some of the comments on this thread are rediculous. I feel this was a bad decision before your step son moved in with you!

Its not good for anyone to do 3+ hours driving, not including any of your own work commute - I’m amazed you both have jobs where this is possible, can you guarantee this for the next four years? Realistically it’s 6, as they likely have sixth form also?

Hes only in year 8. I personally didn’t find my ‘group’ until late year 8/ year 9. My social life also didn’t ramp up until I was able to go out alone 13/14+. It will not be possible to take him to social events nearly as much as he’ll want in the future. He’ll make new friends at that age. The extra money can be used towards any tuition needed and clubs etc. There will be resentment from younger child also that his sibling got a private education and they did not. Whilst everyone will say you should have thought about this before having another.. I doubt your step son would want this for his sibling.

I really feel for you and hope you’re able to resolve this.
If you split up, the child will likely have to leave the school (CMS is split.. it won’t be uneven like other posters suggest). He’ll also lose having a loving home and living with his sibling and you.

Could you suggest him staying there until the end of the year then starting a new year at a new school?

Don't get involved. Child can have mh problems. It'll be on you. And although many have said it to be a ridiculous suggestion, I'd seriously look into moving. Unless you're in farming or something. I'd move if it was my local state, and my kid was happy there. People move for their kids schools all the time. If you love dp and dsc you can look into this as an option.

No, this is silly. They're not ex year, I'd have sympathy for a year 10 or 11 child.

It's so sad for DSC that they're life is being messed around so much but the change needs to happen now rather than a few years down the line when it's more disruptive.

How is money split in your house? Who earns and pay what?

@Kleinocsky

dont be ridiculous

I’m very aware it’s “not giving up work” as I am currently on maternity leave. But you’re assuming that OP will return to work after maternity leave. Who knows if that’s the case.

Do you have family or friends you can go stay with for a while? It's sounds like you need some space from the situation and leaving your DP to deal with it alone (which is what might very well happen if he keeps this situation going as it is anyway) might make him see how completely unreasonable he is being.

Wait so what is the mother doing with her now free cash from not having to pay her child’s daily living expenses?! That should be coming to your husband to help fund daily living expenses!?!

Dp needs to report a change in circumstances. He shouldn't be paying maintenance at all if child is now living with you 100% of the time.

If he continues to put you under financial strain, all your money is gone and you are not able to enjoy your life or have money for your child, then I would separate.

4 more years of this and you'll be absolutely destitute and if he won't see reason, then don't hang about for the crippling debt that follows.

Good question. But to be fair it does sound like her circumstances have changed significantly. Perhaps she doesn’t have as much anymore.

Equally good question:
What was the father doing with all his feee cash when he wasn’t paying any living expenses?

He isn’t paying any maintenance!

He is actively choosing to pay half the school fees.

You need to read the OP’s earlier posts (although looking back it takes until about post 10 for her to properly explain this)

Thanks lucky for that in depth, logically built, comprehensive assessment of my post 🤣

op you might see who's ridiculous if your dsc develops mh issues, and your marriage/partnership, family unit suffers as a result. Hopefully not. For the record, I have so many friends who moved for schools. Let's not pretend it's something unusual. May or may not be feasible if you're working locally etc but worth thinking about.

OP answered this. He was paying for the child’s living expenses!

Has the DSC's mother obtained a bursary from the school based on her income.

He was paying an amount of money, as required, in maintenance.

The mother used that towards 50% of the private school fees

The mother then funded the additional 50% of the school fees herself.

The mother also covered all the child’s living costs.

So she was paying the same amount as him towards school fees and living expenses as well.

Now the boot is on the other foot.

They are still each covering 50% of the school fees.

But now the father is also covering all the living expenses.

There is a difference now though, because they live 18 miles away, they have transport costs which weren’t an issue previously because the child lived near his school.