To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Sorry-I meant picking GCSEs to start in year 10. Groundwork is laid in year 9

Feel really sorry for that child. None of this is their fault and let's face it the adults have seriously messed up their life as they know it.

Have you actually ever seen an invoice? Is it possibly the child is receiving a bursary? This is quite likely if mum is on a low income. It could be that your DH is paying the whole amount.

Have you spoken to the child to see how they feel about school and making a change? If they were really upset about it I wouldn't move them, but if they were open to it then it makes sense to do it before GCSEs

So you want the step child to move schools because you can't afford the second child you decided to have? how is this fair on the stepchild?

Of course I understand that a child costs money(and lots of it) but if you are only giving her your half of the fees as per usual then it meant you weren’t giving anything else and these living costs were all hers except for two weekends a month.

And why is you moving house not an option?

Some schools start GCSE'S in year 9.
If she changes school for year 9 she has more chance of also making friends locally, will be more independent and less reliant on you for lifts.
Consider also that private school fees are likely to start having VAT charged if there's a change of Government.

This is madness. You can’t afford private school, he needs to be taken out following the Christmas break.

@Opine No. Stepchild was within walking distance of the school. It’s the petrol and train fares that are killing us. The petrol bill alone has gone up to over £100 a week.

It's not really helpful to be labelling it maintenance or saying it was his mum's decision to send him. It's your partner's decision to keep him there, that's what matters, and he and ex jointly have a substantial burden of school fees which they are continuing to pay together. Calling it "maintenance" if it was just a contribution towards school fees just muddies the waters.

If I'm following right, it sounds like previously they shared school fees and his mum covered his keep, whereas now they still share school fees and his dad covers his keep. I appreciate it's costing you a bit more but it sounds a lot more symmetrical than "he paid maintenance, and he is still paying maintenance while she doesn't give us a penny". School fees are not primarily his mum's responsibility and they are not even a benefit to her, they are a shared cost.

A Y8 is a lot more moveable than a Y10. But ultimately if your partner insists on keeping him there and he's prepared to do all the driving, I think ultimately it's not your call.

The middle ground might be a different private school closer to home. Easier on your stepson than moving to comp but easier on the family than keeping the long commute. I wouldn't get too hung up on your child being affected by going to local school rather than private. You're not going to be able to afford it anyway, that's not a reason to deny it to your stepson who has his mum putting in for fees. Just embrace all the benefits of local school (there are many) and bring up your DC to think positively about the choices you make for them. I went to a very posh school, my kids go to state school and they understand that this is a positive choice we made for them.

The maintenance was being spent on private school fees.

Now they are having to pay the private school fees PLUS costs of having son at home full
timr.

Are you certain the move is permanent? think you all really need to come together and see how you can keep him there if at all possible because like others have said moving mid year after friendships have been established will be tricky. Not to mention the upheaval of not living with his mum. Also I can’t imagine an indie with no school bus, it’s usually cheaper than public transport for a start. Speak to the school, first then come up with a plan.

There is no bus or other transport available. We live miles away from stepchild’s school. The transport options are a car ride, which takes a long times and is VERY expensive, or a train journey that takes double the time and is almost as expensive.

YANBU. Really feel for dss but that’s not your fault. Or your dc.

How did she afford to feed and clothe him when he lived with her? She must be up at least some money per month so that now needs to come to you.

So 45 mins each way so your DP spends 3 hours a day doing the school run? That’s madness. After all decisions have to be made on the basis of what’s best for the family as a whole not just one person. Circumstances change. If you’re going to do it though, best to do it ASAP.

I think you need to get tougher with DH and refuse EVERY lift request.

He needs to feel the pain so that he stops this madness.

@LorW Yes! This is correct. So even without the huge financial implications, it’s 3 hours multiple times a week doing driving and not being present for me or our other DC.

Have you looked into child maintenance? It is likely that the mother would have to pay you something, as you have the child full-time and the child's father would not have to give anything to the mother potentially.

@Ktime so before mum was paying for her half of the fees and everything else.

Lots of children move from private to state schools due to changing family circumstances. And likely many more will if labour push the fees up by nearly 20%. Most settle in quickly and make friends just as do children who move between areas.

Assuming the schools been approached to see if they run a mini bus service for pick ups and drop offs? Even if the bus went part the way so the commute wasn't as bigger drive.

I would say though even if dss is moved they will still want to see their friends

@Opine I’ve replied to you several times… yes you are correct however, she chose a school that was conveniently located for her, that stepchild could walk to.

We are paying for half school fees, all daily living expenses PLUS hundreds of pounds in travelling to and from school.

Yanbu. This needs sorting asap. Why is your partner still paying ‘maintenance’ if the child now lives with you? Isn’t this an amount decided by the court/system because the main resident parent bears the brunt of the costs of raising a child (ie food/clothing/housing etc in most cases where child doesn’t attend private school). Has he investigated whether he still needs to pay maintenance now his child lives with him and not the mum?